Dear Life(25)
“So it’s you, another girl, and two boys?” I confirm with a nod. “Are the boys cute?”
Instantly my face heats from her question. Are the boys cute? Well, they aren’t Donald O’Connor and Danny Kaye tapping their way into my heart, but they aren’t bad to look at either. Actually, they are very attractive. Jace, with his blond hair and built body has the all-American-boy look. A tortured all-American boy, but an all-American boy nonetheless. As for Carter, he is almost scary attractive. Dangerous with his jet-black hair, tattooed arms, and don’t mess with me attitude. He intimidates me on every level. I wouldn’t want to be on his bad side.
“By your silence, I’m going to assume they’re attractive.”
Blushing feverously, I answer, “Well, they aren’t bad looking.” That gets a laugh out of Grams. “Let’s not talk about how they look.” I try to change the subject quickly. “That’s besides the point. They don’t seem like the friendly type, any of them. And I don’t have enough confidence to force myself upon them and make them be my friend, so it’s slightly disappointing.” Would anyone in the meeting be on my wavelength? Am I too different to not fit in at all? It actually terrifies me to think that might be the case.
“Maybe they’re all going through something rough, something that’s tickling their soul with dread and worry. You never want to judge someone based on outward appearance. Give them time, dearie, you might just find true friendship in those damaged souls.”
That’s why I love my grams; she always knows how to say the right thing.
Exhaling a sigh of relief, I say, “I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Thanks, Grams.”
She waves her hand in front of her face, passing off my appreciation. “Anytime, dearie. Now,” she rubs her hands together and leans forward, like we are about to talk about something top secret, “tell me about the boys again.”
“Grams, what has gotten into you?” I giggle.
“Christian Grey, that’s who.” She winks and then shivers from the mere mention of his name.
Maybe I should pick up these books. They may help me find that same sparkle in my life, too.
HOLLYN
“Grief is hard, exposing yourself to it and therefore experiencing it even harder. I hope it helped you prepare to resolve what you are truly trying to free yourself from. It’s not easy, you know, to just let something go when there is no closure, when you have it looming over you, eating you alive with every breath you take. It’s not a light switch, something you can turn on and off anytime you want. Anyone experience that? How impossible it is to just stop thinking about it?”
From a show of hands, everyone in the room had a hard time grieving. Welcome to my world. Over a year and a half later and I’m still grieving the loss of Eric. I don’t think it will ever be something I will get over, maybe someday I might be able to breathe a little easier. So far, no such luck.
Marleen, our fearless yet slightly irritating leader, nods at the amount of hands raised. I glance over at Carter who is slouched in his seat, chewing on a piece of gum, popping bubbles, and looking less interested every minute. The conversation I had to sit through with his uncle, uh yeah, that was awkward.
Like really awkward.
Like, I’m still sweating over what happened between them. That was some heavy family drama, some serious airing out of their dirty laundry. No wonder Carter is such a bastard most of the time.
And to make it even worse, once Carter stormed out, Chuck asked me to keep an eye on him at the meetings to make sure he’s actually taking it seriously. Apparently I have to report back to him. Yeah, that’s not something I want to do.
What would I say about today’s meeting? Carter sat in his chair with an I don’t give a shit look on his face, stared up at the ceiling for a good ten minutes, and popped his gum a grand total of twenty-five times.
I’m sure Chuck would thoroughly enjoy that report.
Not going to happen.
But not because I have some bond with Carter. There is zero bond there, absolutely nothing. But because I really don’t want to get in the middle of everything between them. Not going to lie, that is a real mess.
Focusing back in on what Marleen is saying, I try to attach myself to her words. Despite my reluctance to grieve Eric, I still want to try to start feeling again, to see if I still have a heart or if I lost it when I lost him. People don’t seem to comprehend that even though we had so little time together, my heart still shattered in a million pieces. I’ve simply lost my footing, and I’m not really sure I’ll ever get it back.
A hollow chest is something I’ve gotten used to, but it’s not something I want to die with.
“Today, you will try to take what you’ve been grieving and release it from your body, letting go. The first step in letting go of your grief is to admit it.” Thoughtfully, she continues, “Treat it as if you were in a group like AA, instead of harboring your sorrow, release it. Today, you will stand before your peer group, gathering strength from one another, and in one sentence, release to them what you’ve been grieving. The first way to let go is saying it out loud, accepting your sorrow and in return, creating happiness and proving your existence. This won’t be easy.” She sits down on the table behind her, propping one leg up on the side while her other steadies her firmly on the ground. “When I went through this program, week two was the hardest for me. Having to look others in the eye, tell them what I’d sheltered inside, what was eating me up and spitting me out, it’s not for the faint-hearted. You have to be strong because facing those demons head-on, with onlookers, that’s what’s going to get you over that hump.”