Dear Life(106)

“I didn’t want to give her up,” I shout, probably waking every single one of my neighbors. “You don’t think that was the hardest decision of my life?”

Sighing, she relaxes her arms, her face turning sincere. “I know it was hard, Jace. I’m sorry.”

“Christ.” Defeated, I sink down on the ground, my back to the wall. Hollyn joins me. “And here we’re supposed to be working on our acceptance. Pretty sure we’re both still back at step one. Grieving.” I take her hand in mine and kiss the back of it before placing it back on her lap. “We can’t do this together anymore.”

“What?” Her head whips toward mine. “Jace, this is just a little fight. We’re each other’s support system.” Are we? Or perhaps that’s actually all we will ever be. She’s in love with someone else and probably won’t ever love me. I had wanted more, but I can’t keep sustaining this level of pain from so many directions. I’m better off alone.

“And I will be cheering for you from the sidelines, but we can’t be involved anymore. We’re tearing each other down more than lifting each other up. I’m looking for a relationship you’re not ready for, and your reluctance is shredding me each and every day. We’re toxic for each other right now, Hollyn. It’s not healthy.”

“You can’t leave me, Jace. I can’t do this.”

Turning toward her, I cup her cheek in my large palm and run my thumb under her eye, catching a tear. “You’re stronger than you think, Hollyn. This is on you. You control the outcome of your future, no one else. Take the strength you’ve harvested over the last few months, gather the fire you’ve been burned by, and turn it into something more. Prove your existence, Hollyn.”

Standing, I pull her up with me. Leaning forward, I press a kiss against her cheek, take in her scent one last time and then pull away. “Know I’m your biggest fucking cheerleader right now, but from a distance. Find acceptance for your past, keep Eric close by, but don’t let him hold you back from your future.” Looking her in the eyes, I soak her in one last moment, knowing we will probably never speak again. “God, I love you, Hollyn. I’m just sorry our timing was off.” A sad smile passes my lips. “Maybe in another lifetime.”

One last time I press my lips against hers, vowing this is the moment that will change the course of the rest of my life. She’s right. I’m stagnant. I’m scared. I’m making no movements to change. But that’s over.

Fuck, yes, losing her has affected my game. It’s affected every part of my life. But I need to be Hope’s guardian angel. I need to make sure she gets what’s best for her, because she deserves the best life. She deserves the best of me, and that’s what she is going to get. It’s time to move forward. It’s time to prove my existence.

DAISY

“More tea?”

“Sure.” With shaky, weathered hands, Grams pours me another cup and then hands me the milk and sugar. “Thanks, Grams.”

“Of course.” She bites into another one of the snickerdoodle cookies I made. “You really have become such a good baker. These are delightful.”

“I learned from the best.”

“Oh, dearie.” She waves a hand in front of her face. “You flatter me.” Taking another bite, she finally says, “What brought you over here in such a sour mood? You’re usually smiling and talking me up about the latest fabric you found in the discount bin.”

“Hasn’t been the best week.” That is perhaps an understatement. I feel like the new relationships I was forming have all crumbled. I called Hollyn several times after she ran from the stadium, but she didn’t answer my calls until later, letting me know she was okay. The look of disappointment and hurt on Jace’s face was one I hope I never see again. He looked even more broken than the first day we met.

I do have to admit, flying back to Denver by myself was a tad scary, but I was able to navigate my way through the airport . . .with an airline worker’s help.

“Does this have to do with Carter?” And then there is Carter. Carter, someone I thought I could love. How stupid and na?ve I had been there.

“Yeah.” I slouch into my seat. “I don’t really want to get into it. Let’s just say things didn’t work out.”

Patting my hand, she says, “I’m so sorry to hear that, dearie. You know, I’m here if you ever want to talk about it.”

“I know.” Taking pause, I gather some courage to talk to her about the real reason I came to visit her today. “Can I ask you a question, Grams?” I stir my tea, feeling jittery about asking my next question.

“You can ask me anything. Do you want to talk about pleasure without repercussions?”

“Never.” I chuckle. “No offense, Grams, but I never want to talk about pleasure without repercussions with you. Just never.”

“Fair enough.” She holds up her hands. “But I’m putting it out there if you ever do want to. I’m quite versed on the topic.”

“That’s something a granddaughter should never know.” We both get in a good laugh, Grams coughing at the tail end of her laughter. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, dearie. Now go on with your question before I start growing cobwebs from your procrastination.”