Dear Life(101)

“Just be there, babe. That’s all I ask.”

“I can do that. Hey, Marleen is starting to collect letters, I should probably go write mine. Call me later tonight to hash out details. I’ll be sure to talk to Daisy before I leave.”

“Okay, sounds good.”

The phone goes silent, my empty apartment feeling very lonely all of a sudden. I’ve traveled a bit for baseball, always being a loner when it came to my personal life. But I’ve craved a family, and that’s part of the pain in losing Hope. I’ve felt relief for her to have the family she deserves, but desolated I wasn’t able to keep her to fill that emptiness in my soul. Then Hollyn entered my life, and hell, everything changed. I started to see what it would be like to have someone special in my life, someone I could cherish.

Will she be the one I can finally call my own? I sure as hell hope so because I’ve fallen for her. I’ve fallen for her so damn hard.

***

Dear Life,

I’ve put on a brave face, I’ve tried to exude positivity, but I can’t help but feel sick to my stomach over the idea of going to Jace’s game. I’m terrified.

So many memories and emotions; so much guilt. Can Eric see me now? What would he really think of Jace? Would he approve? Would he want me to find comfort in someone else? If roles were reversed, I don’t know if I would be too keen on Eric moving on, but then again, I’ve always been a very jealous person.

Why can’t I be one of those people who skate through life, never having to really face adversity? Or perhaps, why am I not someone who copes with adversity? You’ve presented me with a challenge I’m not sure I’m strong enough to overcome. Where do I find my strength?

Help me, Life. Help me find the acceptance in my loss. Please, please help me find acceptance. I just want this aching feeling to finally dissipate.

Please.

Sincerely,

Hollyn



Dear Life,

Have you ever had a girl crush? I haven’t, that was until Sasha came along. Have you ever heard that song, “Girl Crush” by Little Big Town? I’m sure you have. I heard it on the radio and haven’t been able to think of anything else.

Just like the song says, I want to drown myself in her perfume. I want her long black hair. I want so desperately to know what it’s like to be her, because she has everything.

She has Carter.

I know I chose to leave, it seemed like the logical decision given their history, but I wasn’t expecting to feel so pathetically desperate to be someone else.

And I hate that about me. I shouldn’t want to be another human being. I should want to be myself. This life I’m trying to live, trying to develop, it shouldn’t be focused on one man and his heart. It should be focused on me and the beating organ in my chest.

This whole program I’ve spent with Carter, experiencing life through him. Well, I’m done. I want to experience life for myself. I want to know what it’s like to watch a movie alone in the theater. I want to see what it’s like to stand on top of a mountain, the wind being my only friend. I want to start a career. I want my own place. I want to be able to walk around naked in my apartment just because I can.

And I want to be able to revolve my life around my passion, rather than a man I’m passionate about.

That girl in the mirror, she’s not fading yet. She still has a little more fight left in her.

Kind regards,

Daisy



Dear Life,

My best friend and I aren’t talking.

I’m barely hanging on to the girl I’ve fallen for.

My baseball career is subpar at best right now.

The ability to breathe is getting tougher and tougher with each passing day.

And I have one responsibility, to give Hope the best opportunity at having a family, and from the look of it, I’m failing miserably.

Accepting my past and accepting my future, they both read like a melting pot of human crap.

Can I get a pass, accept neither and start all over? Might be my best option right about now.

Jace



Carter Crawford: Not present for the meeting. Called in sick, provided Doctor’s note. Hope for a return soon. Quickly discussed the materials and offered him assistance in acceptance. He hung up before I could say goodbye. I see no change in him. Not sure if he will ever change. Marleen





Step Seven: Acceptance


CARTER

Cool glass presses into my fingertips, the bottle I’ve been drinking from for the past few hours about to join its friends in a scattered collection of “fuck yous” on the floor. In the other hand, pieces of highly overrated paper with Benjamin Franklin’s filthy mug on the front.

Money. That’s what this world revolves around. Greedy, soiled money. Such a burnable, rip-able, steal-able object can either make or break your life.

And here I sit, twenty thousand dollars on my lap, my lucky ticket in my hand, and a pure hatred for myself. I bet it all. Every last cent Sasha gave me, I bet it all with the hopes of losing. I wanted everything to be taken away from me, because that’s what has already happened, might as well tack it on with the rest of my bullshit life.

I let her walk away, without even trying to get her back. I let her listen to Sasha claim her love for me and not dismiss it. I let her watch Sasha touch me, invade my space, the space she was just snuggling up to. And then I just let her walk out of my life because I’m a fucking coward.