Dear Aaron(56)

RubyMars: He’s another friend of a friend. I was at that friend’s house for her birthday and he was there and asked. I guess he’d been dating someone for about a year, but they broke up. I said yes. Went on it.

AHall80: What happened?

RubyMars: What do you mean?

AHall80: Did something happen on the date?

RubyMars: …

RubyMars: Am I that obvious?

AHall80: You’ve been messaging me for months. Yeah.

AHall80: What happened?

RubyMars: Nothing bad.

RubyMars: He kissed me and tried to take it further than I’d intended.

RubyMars: Did you know some guys think after one date it’s time to get down?

AHall80: Get down?

AHall80: Ruby

AHall80: Did he try to force you?

RubyMars: Force me, no. He just… expected it. Like taking me to the movies and a cute Italian restaurant meant I owed him something. It pissed me off is all. More at me than him.

AHall80: You didn’t do anything wrong RubyMars: I know I didn’t. I just felt like a little kid. I didn’t even have the girls coming out of my top trying to entice him or anything.

RubyMars: I don’t know why I used the word entice.

RubyMars: Sorry for the “girls” comment. I forget you’re a guy sometimes.

AHall80: ….

RubyMars: You know what I mean.

AHall80: Yeah, yeah I know.

RubyMars: Am I the only one who didn’t know one date is the new thing? I thought it was a three-date thing before the sex was expected?

AHall80: “the sex”

AHall80: Damn it, Ruby

RubyMars: Lol, you know what I mean!

AHall80: Yeah

AHall80: And yeah, that’s the new norm. You’re the only one who didn’t know.

RubyMars: Great. Thanks.

AHall80: You sure he didn’t do anything to you?

RubyMars: You’re sweet. And no, I promise. He’s still alive. He kissed me when I wasn’t expecting it and started trying to touch my little boobies (spoiler alert). I told him to stop and he did.

RubyMars: I could tell he was frustrated, but it was fine. I’m sure he’s never calling again. Not that I even want him to. He was kind of a pig.

AHall80: Good.

AHall80: You’re not missing out on anything. Fuck that guy.

RubyMars: Yeah, fuck him.

AHall80: Did you finish your profile?

RubyMars: No. I think I’m done for a while. I don’t think I’m missing out on anything awesome.

AHall80: Have you gone out again with the other guy? Your brother’s friend?

RubyMars: Him. Once. Last week.

RubyMars: Another failure.

RubyMars: I went over to his place for dinner and a movie and guess what I found?

AHall80: You went over to his place for dinner and a movie? Do you know what that means?

RubyMars: Dinner and a movie…?

AHall80:…

AHall80: No.

AHall80: The same as the three-date thing or the new one-date thing.

RubyMars: I was wondering why my mom was eyeing #4 so much when I told them where I was going.

RubyMars: That makes me feel worse that they knew what that meant. I remember my mom going to Ben’s house for dinner almost every night before they got married.

RubyMars: I could have gone without that mental picture.

AHall80: Ruby

RubyMars: I digress. I’ll brain bleach later. Guess what I found at his house?

AHall80: If you say condoms…

RubyMars: Not condoms. WTF.

RubyMars: I found women’s underwear shoved into the cushions of his couch. I was looking for the remote and ta-da! Lacey black underwear. It was straight out of a bad date movie. I couldn’t wash my hands fast enough afterward.

RubyMars: What I really want to know is, how does someone leave somewhere without their underwear on? Is that a thing? That really happens?

AHall80: …

AHall80: RC, the joy you bring to my life… I can never pay you back.

RubyMars: I’m being serious!

AHall80: I know you are :]

AHall80: I’ve never had girls’ panties lying around my place.

AHall80: …I did find some at Max’s place a few times. That is a good question though. If I couldn’t find my boxers, I’d look for them.

RubyMars: That’s what I’m saying. Underwear isn’t cheap.

AHall80: Lol

AHall80: What’d you do? Leave?

RubyMars: No. When he came back from the kitchen, I showed them to him.

AHall80: You didn’t RubyMars: I did. I wasn’t a jerk about it, I just said “I think someone you know is missing something.” He started apologizing. He basically turned purple, stuttered for a minute straight and said they were probably his ex-girlfriend’s, blah, blah, blah.

RubyMars: “Probably his ex-girlfriend’s.” Am I that na?ve?

AHall80: You’re sweet AHall80: But a little. Not that na?ve though.

RubyMars: That’s what I thought.

AHall80: And then?

RubyMars: Then it was awkward, but we ate dinner, watched the movie, and I went back to my house. He’s texted me a few times saying he’s sorry and things like that, but I’m not going out with him again.

AHall80: Didn’t like him enough to forgive him?

RubyMars: More like it’s nasty he hasn’t vacuumed his cushions since he broke up with his ex. I’m a slob. I can’t date another slob.