Conviction(84)

“You knew what you were getting yourself into Meebs. You’ve heard the stories, seen the pictures and read the newspaper reports. What? You didn’t think for a minute the press made that shit up did you?” He gives a little laugh. His eyes are wide and they don’t break their hold on mine. He’s breathing heavy and I can feel his chest move up and down.

“Why are you angry with me, Con?” I ask, feeling my lip tremble as I talk. Fuck him. What an arsehole.

“Why not?”

“Fuck you,” I tell him. This time I twist and buck until I break free of his hold and make my way back up to bed. I don’t remember Conner being an angry drunk. I remember his dad was, but the few times I ever remember Conner being drunk, he was always happy.

I take a quick shower and try and calm myself down. That woman has a f*cking cheek coming in here and telling me that she’s f*cked Conner. Why would she do that? A million images a minute rush through my mind as I imagine Conner and her together. Conner, her and Lawson together. I don’t want to be jealous, like he said, I knew what I was getting myself into. I know he has a past and a reputation as a womaniser, and if we’re ever going to work, then I need to just accept that. He loves me, I know that he loves me but, it all still hurts just the same.

I get out of the shower and head into the bedroom feeling a little calmer. Conner’s sitting on the edge of the bed, drinking JD straight from the bottle.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough? You’re gonna make yourself sick.”

“What d’you care?”

“Now you sound like a child.”

His eyes meet mine and we stare quietly at each other for a while.

“I’ve only f*cked her, as in actually f*cked her a couple of times and then I f*cked her face a couple of times more.” He pats the side of the bed and I go and sit down next to him with the towel still wrapped around me.

“There’s something you need to know, Meebs. I need you to know the things that I’ve done. I’m not a good person, there’s something wrong with me.”

I take the bottle out of his hand and put it on the bedside table. Unsure of what he’s trying to say.

“Talk to me,” I tell him. My heart is pounding hard against my ribs, my palms are sweating and my mouth is dry, but I need to hear this. I’d much rather hear the worst from him than pick up a newspaper or magazine one day and find out.

“After you, there was no one. I avoided sex, relationships. I avoided women as much as I could but once the band started to make it big, they were everywhere.” He rakes his hands through his hair and lays back on the bed, his legs still hanging over the side, feet on the floor.

“I found this way to get off, without getting close to anyone.”

He turns and looks at me. “I got other people to have sex and I’d watch, telling them what to do.”

What?

I don’t even know what that means.

What to think?

What to feel?

“I don’t understand,” I tell him.

He closes his eyes for a long moment and I wonder for a second if he’s fallen asleep.

“Jet and I would pick up girls or couples, take them to a hotel room and get them to have sex. Jet would usually join in, I might get a blowjob, occasionally I’d f*ck somebody up the arse but mostly, mostly I’d just wank myself off as I watched them all do things to each other.”

He opens his eyes and turns to look at me, waiting for a reaction, I give none and hopefully hide the fact that my thoughts are scattered in every direction and my stomach is twisting and tying itself into knots.

“I was scared, Meebs. It’s a piss poor excuse, but I was scared. Scared of intimacy, of being touched. I didn’t want to look into anyone’s eyes. I didn’t want to feel their skin on mine.” He sits back up and looks at me.

“We’d take people back to our hotel and I’d tell them what to do. Take off your clothes, suck him, and lick her. I got off on giving out orders and seeing how far I could push people. That’s how I’ve conducted my sex life for pretty much the past fifteen years.”

My head swims. I don’t know where to even begin processing this. A slow sense of panic builds in my chest, as I wonder if I will I ever be enough for him?

“Is that what you want? You want me to do that, with other people?”

“What? No! Fuck no! I was doing all of those things because I didn’t have you, because I was trying to forget you.” He shakes his head. “It was horrible, Meebs. Horrible, empty, meaningless f*cking. It was everything that we’re not.”

I shiver. I’m still sitting on the edge of the bed with just a towel wrapped around me. He tilts his head to the side whilst looking at me. “Do I disgust you?” he asks.

I shake my head no, without a second’s hesitation. “You don’t disgust me, Con. You were broken and lost your way. What you were doing then, has nothing to do with what we have now. I just hate that she brought part of that world into our home. I don’t like her, Con. I get that you have to work with her, but I don’t want her here again.”

He shakes his head. Reaching out to run his fingertips over my cheek.

“You heard what I said to her, to both of them. I was just coming to bed when they turned up. Lawson said that Amanda was worried and insisted that they come and check on me.”