Conviction(4)

And then she did it, f*ck me did she ever? With words of encouragement and instructions from me, I got my best wank ever. She was shaking and so nervous that she was doing it wrong, but as soon as she saw my reaction, the effect she had on me, the power it gave her over me… that was it. My blue-eyed angel was gone, replaced by a five foot nympho, who suddenly wanted me as much as I wanted her. Hands, mouths, tongues and teeth, we just couldn’t get enough of each other, but the opportunity for actual sex just never happened.

Then that night at Tyler and Jenna’s it did. It was soft and beautiful, it was slow and so f*cking delicious. She was it for me, my everything. No other girl or woman existed on this planet the night she gave herself to me. If I’d had any doubts before, the moment that I finally slid my body inside of hers, our fingers laced together either side of her head and our eyes locked, they were gone and I was done, hers.

At that moment, when that first tear slid from her eye and rolled back toward the pillow and she whispered, “I love you Conner, I love you so much.” I knew there and then that I loved her like no other and would love her forever. But now, all these years later, I try constantly not to think about that night. It’s locked away with every other memory of her. Thoughts of her ruin me. I don’t hate her, but I hate what she did, and I hate that she didn’t turn up. I hate what happened because she didn’t turn up and I hate that afterwards, when all the shit hit the fan, she never once tried to contact me. So yeah, f*ck her! Fuck her and the ache she still has the ability to cause in my gut and my chest, on the rare occasions that thoughts and images of her manage to slip their way into my head. Fuck her for still having the ability to cause that lump in my throat and that squeezing sensation of my heart.





Nina

December 31st 1999



“Oh, come on Neen, what’s wrong with you this morning?”

I rolled my eyes at Sophie. “Will you please stop asking me that? There’s nothing wrong. I just don’t have the money to spend on new clothes right now. We’ve just had Christmas and I’m skint.” I wasn’t. I’d hardly spent a penny on Christmas and had been saving religiously since September, but I couldn’t tell Soph that. She was my best friend and I loved her like a sister. She knew each and every one of my hopes, dreams and desires, but she had no idea about my plans for that night. As far as she knew, we were meeting up and going to a friend’s party to see in the new millennium. I felt bad for what I was going to do to my best friend, but I couldn’t let her know. I didn’t want to put her in a position where she’d have to lie on my behalf. So the less she knew, the better.

Despite the miserable expression on my face, I was buzzing inside. I couldn’t wait to see Conner later, and I couldn’t wait for us to set off on our new life together. If there was another way, then we wouldn’t be doing this, but my parents just wouldn’t see reason. They never did. They’d had my life all mapped out for me. Do well at school, go to college, then on to uni’. Then throw away all of that studying by marrying someone respectable, producing a couple of kids and staying at home and becoming a dutiful housewife, by being at my husband’s beck and call. Supporting him at all times, while he made his way up the corporate ladder at whatever mind numbingly boring profession he might possibly have.

The problem was, most of those options weren’t included in my life plan. Not that I really had a plan. Not for my life, not for anything. I wasn’t much of a planner, much more of a free spirit and it drove my mother insane. She hated that I didn’t feel the need to wear the latest designer label and that I didn’t need the latest phone, handbag or accessory on the day they came out – or ever for that matter. I was a jeans, hoodie and Converse kind of girl back then. The biggest plan I’d ever made in my life was for that night. That plan would change everything. It would get me away from my stuck-up parents, arsehole of a brother and the stockbroker belt town that I’d spent the last sixteen years growing up in.

“Neen… Nina. Oh look, there’s Conner.”

“What, where?” I looked up at Sophie, then around the chaos of the Primark store that we were in.

“Well, that got your attention. What the f*ck is wrong with you? I think you need coffee or an energy drink. Were you and Con up till late getting down and dirty again? How many times is that now?” Soph elbowed me in the ribs while I blushed.

We did get down and dirty that night. Well, as down and dirty as you can get in the back of a car in December, but we did all right. I shudder as I thought about his hands on me. He was my first, my one and only and I loved him like nothing on earth. Not only was Conner smoking hot to look at, but he was just so beautiful inside. He’d had a shit life, but despite the hand that was dealt him and the awful thing that he’d witnessed as a small child, he was a good person and we loved each other with such an intensity that I wanted to cry every time I looked at him.





Soph finally bought a half dozen pieces from the Primark sale and we headed back to the car. I didn’t want a coffee or an energy drink. I wanted to get home and pack my bag. It was just after twelve, I was meeting Conner in our local Sainsbury’s car park at six.

It was as we approached Sophie’s car that I heard him call my name. Sophie and I turned at the same time to see my brother and his best friend Marcus walk toward us.