Confessions of a Bad Boy(72)
I stop abruptly as she thrusts her cell phone in between my eyes and the computer screen. I pull back a little to see what’s on it.
A Bad Boy video.
I spin my seat around to glare at Lorelei.
“Why would you show me that, Lorelei? The last thing I want to think about right now is Nate.”
“I think you should see this,” she says, slow and solemn.
“I really shouldn’t. Not now.”
“Please,” Lorelei pleads again, the expression on her face unreadable. She leans forward over the keyboard and I reluctantly let her bring up the Bad Boy video on the desktop screen. I cast one more reproving glance at her before looking at the screen.
The image on the website is different. There’s no soft candle lighting, no self-conscious posing. Nate’s sitting on a short chair, in front of a well-lit white wall, with his face just out of shot. The only thing visible is his white t-shirt, and his sinewy arms perched on his knees, fingertips together.
Lorelei presses play, and steps back.
#251: The Final Confession
This is gonna be tough. But at the same time, it’s not something I need to think about. I guess that’s how you know when you’re doing the right thing.
I want to tell every single one of you, every person who ever clicked on one of my videos, that I’ve changed. That I f*cked up. That I’m not the Bad Boy anymore. And that I’m sorry.
But you guys don’t come here for apologies, you come here for confessions. So here it is. The final one. The deepest, hardest, and most important confession I’ll ever make.
I fell in love.
Not ‘we went on three dates and I think I really like her’ love. Not ‘I feel just like the cheesy songs I used to hate’ love. But full-on, bone-shaking, life-changing, can’t-turn-back love. I’m in deep, guys. Real f*cking deep.
I know what a lot of you will think, hearing this. That I’m full of shit. That I’ve spent years on this channel talking about how commitments, marriage, all that ‘love’ crap is for people too scared to live the way I did. Who didn’t have what it takes to live a life of perpetual pleasure. Quick sex and fast getaways. But I didn’t lie. Nobody believed in that as much as I did. I thought it would be enough forever. Thought it couldn’t ever be better than that. But that was before I met her.
And I want to tell you about her…shit, all I wanna do is talk about her. I can’t stop thinking about her. But I can’t tell you. If I start, I wouldn’t finish...
I’ve sat here and described every kind of woman to you guys. Every kind of body type and eye color; every attitude and personality type, but her…she’s too full of surprises. Too brilliant and talented and fierce and complicated. Too amazing in every way. I can’t even describe it to myself, all I do is feel it. And how do you really describe a feeling?
This vlog has meant a lot to me over the time I’ve been doing it. Millions of views, thousands of messages. It’s been a good boost for my ego. But falling in love tends to do the opposite. In a weird way I think I needed you guys more than you needed me. It feels kind of ridiculous now to think about how many times I talked about hating commitment and marriage. Because now I see that same sense of consistency – the comfort of knowing somebody will listen to you, support you, care about you – that was what I got from this, from all of you.
But I don’t need it anymore. There may be millions of you, but there’s only one of her.
So that’s it. I’m ending this. I’m deleting all my videos, and in a few days, this account. It’s been a wild ride. I don’t regret the life I’ve lived, but I do regret thinking I had it all figured out. Because the truth is, nobody has it all figured out. Least of all me.
Thank you all, and take this advice: Never give up on love, even when it’s nowhere in sight. And when you find it, hold onto it – don’t let it go without a fight. I hope you guys have a better time figuring that out than I did.
As for the future…well, I suppose it’s time for this bad boy to grow up into a real man.
So be sexy, be safe, and take care of each other.
Goodbye.
I watch as the screen fades to black, then keep staring at the black screen, too scared to move in case the tremble in my throat turns into a full-blown sob. I feel Lorelei’s hand press on my shoulder.
“He seems really different,” she says, tinging the words with a little smile to make them easier to swallow.
“It doesn’t change anything,” I mutter.
“Jessie,” Lorelei says, spinning the chair around a little so I can face her, “come on. You don’t really think that.”
I try to look indignant, to keep up the brick wall of indifference that’s the only thing keeping me sane, but it’s hard to be cold when you’re so confused. I step out of the chair, needing to move, and pace up to the other side of the room, rubbing at my aching eyes and groaning loudly.
“I don’t know what to think anymore,” I say, turning around to look at Lorelei again. “He might love me, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to work out between us, and it doesn’t mean he’s cut out to be a dad. That last video doesn’t make any of this any better.”
Lorelei points at the blank screen as if it’s irrefutable evidence of something.