Cherished (Masters and Mercenaries #7.5)(51)

It made her tired and heartsick, and she was beginning to think it was better to be alone.

“Do you want something to drink, sweetheart?” Will asked as he locked the door.

There wasn’t enough wine in the world. She shook her head. “No, I think I’m going to go to bed. Tomorrow’s a big day.”

She would watch her sister walk down the aisle and then spend a week alone with Will and then what? She knew it was stupid, knew she should accept the pleasure the moment could bring, but damn it, she would always be worrying about the future. It sat there in her gut like a hunger that wouldn’t go away. She loved him. There wasn’t a point in fooling herself about how deep she was in. She could even accept that he didn’t love her, but it hurt to be around him knowing the truth.

She’d smiled and tried to get along with everyone for his sake, but she felt battered. It was like loving him had made the walls she’d built crumble and she had no more defenses. The only times she felt good were when she was in his arms, when she told him she loved him and all he could ever tell her was he was “glad.”

Her heart thudded in her chest and she fought back tears. Too much. Too much emotion. She needed to be alone.

“Hey, Bridget, come here. I want to talk to you.”

She stopped at the bedroom door. “Not tonight.”

He put a hand on her arm lightly, turning her to face him. “Yes. Tonight.”

“Don’t push me.” She didn’t need to fight with him. She would say things she didn’t mean. He’d taken down all her walls and if he pushed her, she would fight dirty. “I don’t want to talk tonight.”

His face softened. “Sweetheart, it’s nothing bad. I want to talk to you about a longer-term contract. Look, I know the last few days have been rough on you, but you’ve come through it all with grace. You’ve been wonderful. I think we should consider signing a year-long contract.”

“Is that some treat for not being myself? I get to stay with you for a year?” Bitterness welled.

His brows came together in obvious consternation. “Bridget, that’s not what I meant. I don’t have a problem with who you are. You’re passionate. I like that about you. But you don’t have to fight every single person you meet. Especially not when the fight isn’t worth it.”

He was so reasonable. Unfortunately, she wasn’t in a reasonable mood. “So what you’re saying is if I’m a good sub who never yells or fights, you’ll like who I am. That’s great, Will.”

“Tell me what’s wrong.” His voice had taken on a soothing tone and that annoyed her.

“You really want to know?”

He sighed but didn’t back away. “I would like to know the truth and not whatever bullshit is about to come out of your mouth because you’re mad at your family and you’re ready to take it out on me. I’ll take some of it. I’m the one who set the rules about your behavior. If it helps, I can easily see why you would want to run through these people like a bull on stampede, but that won’t help your sister and then you’ll feel guilty. Why don’t you come here and let me hold you for a while? We can sit and talk.”

He wasn’t listening to a word she was saying. “I don’t want to talk. I wanted to go to bed. Now I kind of want to get everything over with.”

“Everything? That sounds a bit dramatic.”

Of course. She was a drama queen. She’d heard that one before. “God, you’re condescending sometimes.”

“I’ll admit to that. What’s this really about?”

It looked like they were going to have this out. He wouldn’t back down. He wouldn’t let her go to bed so she could talk herself into staying. She was in a corner and she did what she always did when she was in a corner. She lashed out. “You. It’s about you. You and your f*cking contracts. I’m not signing another one. I’m not staying here with you. I’m leaving tomorrow night.”

His jaw tightened and he turned around, striding to the bar. “All right, we’ll go home if that’s what you want.”

Now he was purposefully misunderstanding her. “Without you. I’m leaving without you.”

His hands came out and he leaned on the bar, his head slumping down like he was too tired to hold it up a second longer. “Sweetheart, don’t do this. Don’t say a bunch of things you’ll have to take back later.”

Her first instinct was to go to him, to soothe him, but that would land her in more trouble. He was tempting, so tempting, but she had to be strong. “Because of course I don’t know what I’m doing. Because I should take what you’re willing to give me and be happy I have a man for a while.”

“That’s your family talking.” He was still using that reasonable tone that set her on edge. “They’re toxic, but we’ll be away from them soon.”

There was piece of her that knew he was right, but she was on a path now. She wanted to have it done so she could go back into her shell and never f*cking come out again. “It doesn’t matter. Will, I can’t be with a man who is never going to love me. I know you don’t believe this, but at some point in time you’re going to find the woman you do love and I can’t watch that. I can’t just be some chick you spend time with until the real one comes along. I love you. I love you so much I ache with it. I love you so much I would do anything for you. I can’t stay with you when you don’t feel the same way.”