Changing Course (Wrecked and Ruined #1)(69)

"Gorgeous, look at me," her eyes immediately flash up to mine. "I love spending time with you. I love watching you wake up in the morning. You always do this adorable little stretch, and roll away from me so I can't smell your morning breath," I laugh and she just rolls her eyes. "I love watching you cook, because even when there is no music, you always shake your ass to an imaginary beat. I love watching you lay on the couch pretending to like football." She tries to interrupt me, so I lean forward and place a soft kiss to her lips to keep her quiet. "I've known for weeks that you don't like football, but I love that you pretend for me. I have no idea how you beat me in those bets a few months ago, but it’s obvious you aren’t really a football shark. I love that too." I look down to see tears pooling in her eyes.

The tears confuse me. I'm giving her the only substitution I have for those three magical words I can't possibly begin to say.

"Brett, all of those things are sweet, and there are a lot of things I love about you too. Most of all, I just love...you." I suck in a breath, knowing things will never be the same again.

"Jesse..." I start to say something, but I have no idea what. Luckily she stops me first.

"I love you. I'm an idiot, and I know you don't feel the same, but I freaking love you. I promised myself a few weeks ago, I was going to give this thing with you my all, and that includes my heart. If it falls apart so be it, but at least I'll know I tried. I won't say it again, but I needed to say it just once before I had a chance to chicken out. So there you have it. I love you. Do with it what you want. Run, hide, file it away under crazy things psycho girlfriends say, I don't care...but at least now I know it's out there." She pauses to wipe away a single tear.

"Jesse..." I try to think of something to fix this, but come up empty handed.

"Can we please go now? I have a sudden urge to get drunk, and I'm not talking sexy drunk. I'm talking, drunk enough to forget the last twenty-four hours of my life, drunk. It's open bar right?" I just nod and pull her into a deep apologizing hug.

I can feel her shoulders shake as she begins to cry into my dress uniform. This is not the way this evening was supposed go. Outside her apartment, standing in the freezing cold, I hold her, giving her all I have to offer: a heartless, warm body.

"I'm done." My nonexistent heart lurches into my throat at the possible meanings of her words.

"Umm..."

"Are we going to be okay?" she timidly asks, not wanting the answer any more than I want to give it. "I mean, can you handle that I'm in love with you? Or is this the end?"

"Can you handle the fact that I can't tell you the same thing?” I ask the bigger question.

"Look, don't mess around with me here. Please. If this is a point you will never get to, let me go now. I don't want to go, but if you know this isn’t something you want, then please let me go before I lose myself completely in you."

"Jesse..."

"Stop saying my damn name and talk!" she yells, frustrated by my inability to communicate.

"I don't know what to say! I can't make you any promises, and I'd be setting us both up for failure if I tried. Gorgeous, I want to be with you. I want to see where this goes. I can't tell you those magical words, but I'm not ruling out that one day I will."

"What the heck does that even mean?" She begins to pace.

"It means we could go round and round, but I don't have any answers. The only thing I know is I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry I'm a douche bag who can't give you what you deserve. Fuck, I want to give it to you. If I didn't care about you, I would look into your eyes and tell you the words that mean everything." I throw my hands up the air. "If and when I know I will tell you. Jesse, when I say them, you can trust that I will mean it with my entire soul. I want to give you that one day. And if that never happens, I'll be the one who loses. I will be the dumb ass." She finally gives me a small one-sided smile. It's fake, but at least I'm one step closer to holding her again.

"Can we pretend again? Can we do what we did at the game and pretend I didn't say anything."

"Absolutely not." Her head snaps to the side. "Gorgeous, those are the most beautiful words you can say to someone, and I'll be damned if I'm going to forget the sound of them coming from your lips. I'm sealing this into my memory for the rest of my life. I just hope that one day I'll be able to give that back to you."

"Do you promise to tell me if you realize you'll never be able to fall in love with me? You know...not string me along."

"I swear on my life."

"Do you promise to tell me the split second that you realize how stupid you are, and that you have loved me all along?"

"I look forward to it."

"Do we have time for me to go fix my make up?" she asks, running her fingers through the black mess under her eyes.

"I'll wait forever if I need to."

She looks down at her sexy shoes and shakes her head, "The sad thing is...so will I."

"Jesse...I won't make you wait forever. Just give me a little more time to get my head straight." I worry that if I don't touch her now, I might not ever get the chance again.

Reaching out, I circle her into my arms and kiss her head. I don't want this to be sexy. I just want to give her back even an ounce of what she has given me tonight, but she pulls away all too quickly.