Changing Course (Wrecked and Ruined #1)(58)

I have an unexplainable need to hear her out. My mind is racing but I'm not excited like I thought I would be at finally hearing those words come out of her mouth. A few weeks ago, I would have been at her mercy, ecstatic to have another shot at a life together. Only now, I feel apprehensive.

"Um, I just thought..." she trails off. Any hope that started to fill my heart quickly deflates when I see the humor twitch in her cheek. This is yet another one of her games.

"Fuck, Sarah!" I explode, unable to can't catch my breath.

This woman stands before me joking about missing me after the hell I have been through. Years spent holding on to hope that one day I would get my wife back, yet it’s all one big joke to her. The only thing stopping me from unleashing the brunt of my anger is that I know it's not her fault. I lost my wife, but she lost herself.

These games are a different story all together. I have every right to be pissed about this. She may not be able to control who she became after the wreck, but she made the decision to wage emotional war on me over the past few days. First with Jesse, and now with this bullshit. It’s drama upon drama where Sarah is involved. I have nothing left to say. I've already tried every possible combination of words to move past this. It's time to suck it up and admit there is no fixing us. At some point, you have to cut your losses and walk away, but I can't seem to convince myself the fiery woman who used to own my heart, is a complete loss.

I turn to walk out the door. I won't give her the satisfaction of seeing me react again.

"Brett, wait!" she says, softly laughing. "I meant it. Maybe not the way you want me to mean it, but I do miss you. You won't believe me, but I remember being happy with you. I remember the day you proposed. Jesus, that was corny. That whole Jeopardy thing." She laughs a little louder. "Seriously, that was cheese dick." I put my hands on my hips, assuming the position for her to sling hate filled words at me.

"But I do remember the way I felt when you asked." She reaches down spinning her rings around her finger. "I loved you," she says, completely devoid of emotion. "I want to feel like that again." She finally looks into my eyes, and I see a flash of something genuine before they go blank again.

I can barely breathe. My chest feels like it’s going to collapse at any second. I know what I'm about to say, and it is scares the hell out of me. I can't do this emotional roller coaster anymore. I don't want the drama, the longing, the feeling that I'm constantly waiting for something to change. I may not be able to give up on her as a person, but I can finally let my Sarah go.

"I loved you too." I suck in a breath. The past tense of those words is enough to bring me to my knees, but I have to finish. "Sarah, I'll always be here for you. Every single Thursday for the rest of your life, I'll be knocking on your door. You can act like a bitch, you can call me names, you can try to lock me out, but I'll always come back. You would have done that for me. But there will never be another Brett and Sarah Sharp.

“You moved on four years ago, and tonight..." I pause terrified to finish the sentence. It needs to be said though, for both of us. "Well, tonight I'm moving on too." I wait for my words to sink in. Surely this will have some emotional effect on her, but she stands stock still seemingly unfazed.

Just as I'm about to repeat myself, a small mischievous smile creeps across her face. "Okay," she says, walking out of the kitchen and into her bedroom locking the door behind her.

Oh shit, this isn't good.

"Sarah!" I knock on her bedroom door. I just unknowingly issued some sort of challenge and she was all too happy to accept it. "Open the door." I continue to knock.

She never answers, and after a few minutes I have no choice but to leave it alone for now. I decide to head home, and deal with this tomorrow. Awesome, more drama to look forward to.

When I get outside to my car, I have an overwhelming urge to drive directly to Jess's apartment. It's been a week since we started dating, but I've already become addicted. She always makes me forget everything else. It's more than just a distraction, though. My life has been on auto-pilot, nothing in my control. I have no choice but to go along for the ride. For a man, it's a damn near crippling feeling. Jesse grounds me. She looks at me like I'm the prize, but she has no idea that I'm the winner every time we are together. I want to rush to her right now, falling asleep buried inside of her. But that's not fair to her. We agreed to take this slow and not rush into something I can't give her when my life explodes again. The same way it always does.

I walk into my apartment, wasting no time heading directly to the phone. If I can't see her, I damn sure am going to talk to her. As soon as I hear her pick up my whole load is lightened.

"Hang on Brett!" she shouts distantly. "Okay, I'm back...hello."

"Well, you sound busy."

"No, I was just trying to catch Paprika."

"Um, I'm not exactly a chef but does paprika run away often?" My words cause her to giggle, and it's as if that small sound makes the world tilt back on axis.

"No, Paprika is a cat that Kara adopted from the shelter."

"You got a cat?"

"Well no, Kara got a cat, but we can't keep him. Our landlord has a strict ‘no pets’ policy, but Kara thought she could get him to cave. He lets the girl downstairs with the big boobs have a Chihuahua. Apparently, Kara is not well endowed enough for his tastes."