Changing Course (Wrecked and Ruined #1)(52)

"Wow, um…wow,” he says stunned. “That is quite an insult after today."

"I just mean you have baggage. A lot of it. I'm not just talking about Sarah either. I'm talking about your guilt and self-imposed punishment for the way she is now."

"Caleb really got into your head today didn't he?" he asks.

"Yes, he told me a lot about you and Sarah."

"Did he mention that he hates her? Blames her for the wreck? Wishes she was the one dead instead of Manda? Did he mention any of that while he was giving you a little history lesson?" He begins to get angry.

"Yes, he actually mentioned all of that." This wasn't what he expected me to say. I know he thought Caleb filled my head with horrible ideas about Sarah. He didn't do that at all though.

"He told me she used to be funny. Always the girl dancing on the stage or talking your ear off. He said everyone who ever met her loved her. Most of all, you. He told me she was beautiful back then." I can see his eyes fill with unwelcome tears as I talk about her. He bites his bottom lip nodding while trying to get his emotions back in check.

"I don't want you to know about her, Jesse. Sarah is a part of a past that I don't want to share with you. And that's not because I don't want to tell you about it. I'm happy to tell you everything you want to know since the wreck, but it kills me to think about that. The fact that you even know this much about my old life, hurts like hell. Despite everything that has gone down, I had hopes of keeping you and Sarah in separate parts of my life. No crossing lines. She's my past, and I'm sick of living there.

“I am who I am today as a result of the all years I spent with her. That goes for both the happy and broken parts of me. I want to start over without this cloud of Sarah hanging over my head. I want to escape this pressure I feel to finally fix things. When I'm with you, Jess, everything else is silent. It's magical. I can't change anything that’s happened. I can, however, try to move forward with my life.

"So, to answer your question earlier, that’s what I want from you…to move forward. Jesse, I worry that I can't be who you need me to be. I'm hesitant to make you any promises or commitments, because I'm not sure I can back them up. I’m willing to try though. Something beyond my control draws me to you. You make me feel alive again, and as selfish as it sounds, I will do absolutely anything to hold on to that. But I'm terrified that it will mean breaking you in the process."

"I'm not made of glass," I answer him, equally touched and frustrated by his words. "You can't break me. I'm not her. I may be naive when it comes to relationships, but I'm stronger than I look. I just need to know what I'm getting myself into first. This isn't something I can walk into blind.

“You're not the only one confused here, Brett. You have a lot of cons, but I'm still standing here, aren't I? Let me watch out for myself, and decide what I can and can't handle," I answer with resolve. I'm going to try to make something work with him. He may not have anything to give me, but that's a bridge I'll cross when it crumbles under my feet.

"Jesse-"

"No don't ‘Jesse’ me. I'm a big girl. I can make my own decisions. I don't need a keeper, and you don't need any more jobs."

"You're not a big girl. You're actually a very, very tiny woman." He smiles up at me. "Don't get me wrong, I like it."

"I'm serious, Brett."

"Okay, so where does this leave us?" he asks.

I have been thinking about this question all day, and finally I feel like I have the right answer.

"We date. We slow down this crazy, drama-filled relationship we have had for the last few days. Who the heck knows, we may not even like each other this time next week. We don't have to jump into anything serious. Let's just go with the flow.

“I don't need any promises from you right now, so you don't have to stress yourself out over not being able to fulfill them. Brett, it's been six days now! Do you usually have this type of conversation with every girl you date for less than a week?" The grin that creeps across his face is spectacular. It renders me completely unable to move my eyes from his mouth.

"I don't date, remember?" He pulls me over to straddle his lap. "With this new arrangement, can I still kiss you? And maybe touch you a little too?" he asks, ever so lightly pushing his hips up until they connect with mine.

I let out a soft moan. He must have seen my lips part because he instantly reacts crushing his mouth into mine. Our warm tongues tangle in a kiss I’ve so desperately wanted all day. I crawl even deeper into his lap, needing to be closer. He must feel the same way because he stands lifting me as he goes.

"Which one’s your room?" he asks, holding me with both hands on my butt.

"End of the hall," I respond, thrusting my hands into his hair while kissing the underside of his chin.

“I don’t think we can consider this slowing down,” he says with a smirk.

“Well, no. But then again, we didn’t do the whole just friends thing very well either. Perhaps, I should rephrase and say, ‘no rush’ instead of ‘slow down.’”

“Same thing, babe,” he says, but continues to carry me down the short hallway. Pausing just outside my room he asks, "How far tonight, gorgeous? It's completely up to you, but I want to know before we go in here. I want whatever you are willing to give, even if it just standing here in the hall all night. But I've messed up enough recently, I don't want to push you into something you aren't ready for."