Cassie (The Mitchell/Healy Family #7)(50)
“It’s hard sometimes.” She played with her silverware. “I feel like a jerk sometimes, especially when I think about being with other people.”
Right away she had my undivided attention. Was she referring to me?
She continued. “I don’t mean that literally, it’s more like if it were to happen with someone I don’t know if I’d be against it. Isn’t that terrible?”
“You have to do what makes you happy. That’s how I look at it. What’s done is done. He may have been a lousy boyfriend, but I’m sure he’d want you to go on with your life. He’d want you to be happy.”
“I suppose. It’s hard to picture though. There’s still a lot of guilt.”
“I admire your ability to see the good in people, and to carry the burdens of other people’s sins.”
“You see the good in people as well. I noticed it right way.”
If she kept talking like this I was going to ask if we could skip dinner and share the water in the hot tub. Thankfully, our waiter came to interrupt the seriousness of the conversation.
Of course she ordered a steak with a baked potato and a bowl of homemade chili. She skipped the salad and asked if she could just have another loaf of bread and the honey butter they served with it when they first seated us. I asked for the same thing and laughed the moment the waiter walked away.
“What,” she asked. “You ordered the same food.”
“I’m double the size of you.”
“Not for long it appears.”
“There’s nothing wrong with a woman who enjoys a big piece of meat.” The moment the words left my lips I saw her face react.
We both cracked up, grabbing the attention of the patrons around us. “You’re a funny person, Logan Campbell. I regret keeping my distance for the past couple weeks.”
“It’s probably better. You’d be tired of me by now and wouldn’t have come on this awesome road trip with me. Just wait. It’s only a matter of time before you tell me to get away from you.”
“I doubt it. You’re like me, just the guy version, personality of course. You didn’t run away with a loser and become a drug addict.”
“How about we don’t talk about our pasts? Wouldn’t it be nice to just be us for a few days?”
She smiled. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I keep bringing it up. It must be annoying as shit.”
“I’m used to it. It’s the healing process.” To be honest, I was tired of the back and forth. I didn’t want to talk about my family and the pain losing them had caused me. I spent half my adolescence in therapy, learning how to accept what I’d never be able to change. Cassie had to figure this out on her own. I understood she didn’t have anyone else to talk to about it, and I honestly didn’t mind offering support, but she kept giving me mixed signals. I hadn’t brought her on this trip to get into her pants. Sure, if it happened it would be a nice surprise, but the constant guilt she was feeling had to stop. “I just want you to see how your life is just beginning. The road to happiness is free of traffic. It’s your time to shine. You need to seize every opportunity you get. Be optimistic. Be everything you know you deserve to be.”
“You need to be one of those guys who travels around the world preaching positivity.”
“If the FBI gig doesn’t pan out I’ll keep that as a backup plan.”
Our second loaf of bread was delivered. I pulled it toward me to get a rise out of her. “I call the heel.”
“There’s two of them, goofball.”
“I get both then.”
She reached across the table and took it from me, shoving one end in between her teeth and tearing off a piece. She was giggling so much I assumed she was going to choke, but she managed to get it all down without problems. Then she handed it back to me with a mouthful still in her cheek. “I couldn’t help myself.”
I bit the other end, settled to the fact that we were good when we let go of everything else. I needed to practice the same methods as I was preaching. “I changed my mind about the card game. I think I’d like to play when we get back to the room, after I get in the Jacuzzi of course. You may have stolen the first bite of bread, but my ass has dibs on that for sure. If I have to lock you out of the bathroom I will.”
“I’m not afraid of you. If I know anything at all about you, it’s that you would never hurt me.”
She was wrong. I may not physical inflict pain on her, but I was very capable of breaking her heart. It might not even happen in a romantic way. Whatever was building between us was going to be broken the moment we pulled into her small town and she realized my motives. I was betraying her, and for that she’d never forgive me.
For the rest of dinner a heavy amount of guilt was weighing over me. I made the decision that I had to stop before I got to a point where nothing else mattered except experiencing what it was like to be with her. Cassie was going to be out of my life. I had to be decent. It was important to be the guy she saw me as; the person she trusted with her life.
We ate until we were stuffed and almost unable to get up from the table. I insisted we take the steps in fear of fate stepping in and stopping the elevator so we’d be forced to spend more time alone in a tight space.
Once in the room, my concerns were heightened. Cassie kicked off her shoes and let her body fall down on her bed. She was spread out, probably in an inappropriate position for a pervert like me to see. I imagined myself on top of her, kissing those sweet lips and making her forget all about the loser who took her down that ugly road, putting her life in danger.