Bring Me Back(63)

“That’s a good idea,” he agrees and hedges toward the romance section. “Meet you at the checkout in fifteen minutes?”

I nod and he turns around fully, quickly disappearing amongst the shelves.

I find the mystery section and scan the titles. I want to pick out something he isn’t likely to have read, but it’s impossible to know. While I browse, I slip some paper cranes inside books and stick some others on the shelves.

I glance down at my phone and see that my time is almost up.

I end up closing my eyes and picking a book at random. It seems fitting considering they’re all mysteries. Armed with the book, I head to the checkout. Ryder is waiting, a black plastic bag hanging from his fingertips. He sports a wry grin and my heart pounds inside my chest.

“No peeking,” I tell him, using my back as a shield when I hand the clerk the book I chose.

Ryder turns away, playing along. I pay and accept my own black bag.

The two of us head back out into the blazing sun. We take a seat on one of the planters and swap bags.

“One, two, three,” Ryder counts and we both pull out our books.

I immediately burst into laughter at the one he chose for me. It’s called The Highlander’s Love Kilt. It features a shirtless man wearing a green kilt that’s blowing slightly in the wind. There’s a woman behind him with her arms wrapped around his neck, looking at him in adoration.

“You like it?” he asks with a pleased smile.

“It’s perfect,” I say and lean over to kiss his cheek.

The action comes so easily that I don’t even realize what I’ve done until I pull away.

Ryder’s mouth parts in shock and he looks at me with this stunned expression. Neither of us seeming to know what to do or say.

“I-I … Forget that happened,” I stutter, looking away.

His fingers brush my chin and he turns my head back to him, angling my face up to his. “I don’t want to,” he says, his eyes flicking down to my lips.

My heart jumps to my throat. The air grows thick between us and it’s not from the humidity. “Ryder—” I begin.

“Shh,” he murmurs, lowering his head toward mine. “Don’t think.” His breath brushes against my lips and then it’s his own lips I feel pillowed against mine. I freeze and my heart stutters in my chest. His hand cups my cheek, and when I don’t pull away, he deepens the kiss. I still don’t pull away. I don’t want to. I like the feel of his lips on mine. His tongue brushes my lips and my mouth parts for him. Electricity seems to spark beneath the surface of my skin. I kiss him back, pressing closer to his body. He groans lowly and my mouth swallows the sound. I’m pretty sure I whimper too. I’m so lost in the feel of him that my thoughts completely disappear. This isn’t something I imagined happening between us, but I don’t want to stop it, either. We break apart and we both swallow thickly. “Whoa,” he murmurs.

I look at him with wide eyes. I have no words. I liked that. Way more than I should have and that scares me. My hands shake and I look away. I feel dirty for enjoying kissing Ryder—for kissing anyone that’s not Ben. I shouldn’t have liked it, but I did. Oh, God, I did. I don’t know how to sort my racing thoughts and I jolt upright.

“I have to go.” My words slur together in my haste, and I nearly stumble over my own two feet as I try to get away.

“Blaire,” Ryder calls after me and starts to follow.

I turn around and hold up my hands. “No,” I say. “No.”

He pauses and hurt flashes in his eyes but he must see the pain in my eyes too because he doesn’t push. I turn and leave, the shattered pieces of my heart pulsing and aching in my chest, yearning for the man I leave behind me.





I arrive home and sit in my parked car for longer than necessary. I can’t seem to wrap my head around that kiss. My lips still tingle from the feel of Ryder’s. I want to hate the kiss, but I can’t. It doesn’t make it any easier to accept that I kissed a man that’s not Ben. My feelings for Ryder have been something I’ve downplayed not only to everyone else, but to myself as well. I didn’t want to believe that they were real or that they carried any weight. But what I feel for Ryder, it’s very real and it scares the crap out of me. I’ve been hurt so deeply by Ben’s death. I lost the love of my life—the man I thought would be the one I’d love until I died. I’m scared to love someone that much again and my brain screams that it’s too soon while my heart … my heart just wants Ryder.

Tears pour from my eyes. I don’t know what to do.

Ben’s gone.

I’m pregnant.

And I might be falling for another man only six months after losing the one I believed to be my everything.

I’m a f*cking mess.

And on top of my messed up love life, the bills are piling up—something I’ve pushed to farthest recesses of my mind. I could barely deal with everything else, let alone the reality that I need to sell my house too. The house I bought with Ben. The house we were going to raise our family in.

I lean my head back into the headrest and let out a groan, pent-up anger that needs to come out before I explode.

My life is a complete cluster-f*ck at the moment and I really don’t need my feelings for Ryder complicating it at the moment.