Bound by Vengeance (Born in Blood Mafia Chronicles #5)(42)

I had to force myself to keep breathing, despite the tightness of my throat. Growl peered at me but I ignored him. I didn’t want to talk to him. My emotions were a whirlwind, I could hardly understand. I doubted he’d be able to and I worried that he’d try to talk me out of visiting my father’s grave after all.

Eventually he pulled the car off the asphalted street and drove along a dirt road. Our wheels swirled up red dust that settled in a thick layer on the windows. Growl tried to get the dust off the windows with the windshield wipers, but in vain. The vibration of the car as we drove over bumps and smaller rocks made me feel sick, and I closed my eyes. I wasn’t so sure if this was a good idea after all. But now it was too late to turn back without having to explain myself to Growl. I didn’t want to appear weak.

The car came to a halt and I looked outside. We were in the middle of nowhere. There wasn’t even a dirt road anymore. There was absolutely nothing.

“It’s here,” Growl said matter-of-factly. He looked at me as if he was waiting for some kind of response, but there were no words in me at the moment. I nodded merely to show him I’d understood. He opened the door and got out. I took a deep breath and pressed my flat palm against my stomach, hoping to calm myself. No chance.

I got out of the car and the heat slammed into me like a fist. How could anything survive out here? My eyes searched the horizon for any sign of civilization but we were the only people around.

“Come. It’s too hot out here to stand around.”

He stalked off, not even checking if I was following. Of course he didn’t have to be worried that I’d run away. There was nothing to run to out here. I’d die of thirst or heat before I found another person. But I realized then that he had been less cautious in general around me recently. He began to trust me.

As I followed Growl through the sand, another thought suddenly struck me. What if Growl had grown tired of me and decided to dispose of me out in the desert? Perhaps I’d asked too many question, gotten too close for comfort? I wouldn’t survive long out here if he abandoned me. He didn’t even need to kill me, the desert would.

I shook my head. My imagination was running wild. Growl had no reason to get rid of me. He enjoyed my company, even if he tried to hide the face.

Growl led me to a spot surrounded by a few dried bushes. There was no hint of a grave. “He’s there.” He pointed at the dusty ground.

I crouched beside the spot and lay my palm flat against the sand. My eyes prickled but I didn’t cry. “I really thought you’d fed him to the dogs.”

Growl frowned. “That’s not how you should treat the dead.”

I let out a laugh. “Really? You don’t mind killing and hurting people, but you care about their corpses.”

“Death was their punishment. There’s no sense in defiling their bodies.”

“I know Falcone’s done it before. Father told Mother about it, and she even asked me about it when I visited her. I even heard rumors that he fed bodies to his fight dogs, and made the families watch.”

“I don’t always agree with what Falcone does.”

That was at least something, I supposed. “Have you ever seen him do something like that?”

Growl nodded. “Once. But the family didn’t have to watch. Falcone knows I don’t care for useless violence so he usually doesn’t ask me to stay to watch.”

I lowered my eyes back to the ground. It was hard to imagine that my father was below me. Father had known the risks of his job, had earned a lot of money with it, and probably been responsible for several people’s demise, but he hadn’t deserved this. I wished he were here, so I could have long talk with him. I couldn’t remember when we had our last. Too long ago. “When you came to our house, did you think you were supposed to kill my father?” I wasn’t sure why it mattered. I knew Growl was a killer and that he wouldn’t have hesitated pulling the trigger.

“Falcone hadn’t told us who was going to kill your father.”

“But you knew that he wanted him dead.” I raised my eyes to meet his.

He gave me a look. “Your father betrayed Falcone. Death is the punishment for that.”

I sighed and rose to my feet, dusting off my pants that were covered in a fine layer of red sand.

“Do you ever go to your mother’s grave?” I asked.

“No,” he said. There was no emotion in his voice. “It’s just her body down there. And I don’t even remember her much. I prefer not to stay in the past.”

That was probably a necessity considering the many dark aspects of his life. “And yet to some degree you do.”

Confusion filled Growl’s face. “What do you mean?”

“You let the past determine who you are now, and you’re bound to a man who made you who you are today. There’s so much past in your life.”

Growl considered that. He really looked as if my words were getting through to him.

I risked the next step. “Don’t you want revenge? Have you never dreamed of killing him? Of hurting him for what he’s done to you? You could end it all. Free yourself of your past once and for all.”

Growl shook his head. “I told you, what he’s done to me made me who I am. I would not be here without him. I would not be here with you without him. He gave me you and that’s more than I ever hoped for.”