Blood of Wonderland (Queen of Hearts Saga #2)(58)

They were both breathing heavily now. Dinah stared at him, her heart falling, spilling like blood down her chest, pouring out from her feet, seeping into the ground. The world was cracking, reassembling itself into dark, jagged places.

“Dinah, please say something. I can’t bear the silence.”

Her eyes were opened anew.

“Do not speak to me.”

Dinah felt a ripping that was both parts of her soul and her vision of their future. It was like being plunged into icy waters when you were burning hot. She was left empty, drained—without her love, without him. . . . He would never be hers.

She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t bear to look at his beautiful face for another second.

He didn’t want her.

“Please leave.” She turned away from him, her voice flat and dead. “Please leave, Sir Wardley. You have done your duty here.”

He grabbed her arm and tugged it. “Don’t turn away from me. I won’t leave you, not in this state. Please, look at me.”

She turned to him, her face a grimace of stone. “Is this all a game, Wardley? One more secret of my twisted upbringing? Did someone hire you to make me love you? Do you remember that day under the Julla Tree, when you kissed me? Was that part of the plan?”

Wardley grabbed her hands. “There was no plan. You were always my plan, but I can’t . . . make myself want you, not in that way. And of course I remember the Julla Tree. I kissed you because I wanted to. Because you were the first girl that I ever cared for. But even then, I knew that my feelings for you were not of that nature, no matter how much I tried to force them.”

“Force them? Did you force yourself to play with me when we were children? Did Cheshire put you up to it? Or to seek me out when we were older? Were you forced to train me on the sword or to follow me here?”

Wardley shook his head angrily. “No. Never! You’re not listening. You don’t understand. Dinah, I would do anything for you!”

“Except truly love me in the way a man should love a woman,” she replied coldly. “Except kiss me.”

“Does that even matter?”

Dinah let out a hysterical laugh. “Does that matter? Does it matter?” She bent over, shallow prickly laughs tearing her into pieces. “It was the only thing that ever mattered, Wardley.”

Wardley closed his eyes and whispered to her, his words drifting off in the wind, blowing away with every light dream she had ever had. “I am yours in every other way . . . you are my best friend . . . my queen.”

She couldn’t listen anymore to his words. Not when her heart was thumping on the ground, bleeding, dying. Tears were flooding her vision, and a retching sob was making its way up her throat. She took a deep breath. “I need you to leave. Now, Wardley.”

“Dinah, no—”

“I COMMAND IT!” she screamed at the top of her lungs. “OBEY ME!”

He turned away from her, making his way to the edge of the clearing. “I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow morning as we ride north.”

She shook her head, holding back the cruel words that longed to drip from her tongue.

Wardley turned back to her for a moment, his face wrenched with guilt before he finally disappeared into the bramble.

Dinah waited until she couldn’t hear his footsteps, then collapsed into gut-wrenching tears. An empty hopelessness overtook her, and she lay beside the pool, barely breathing through the ache. The thought of being with Wardley had kept her alive all those cold nights in the Twisted Wood, all those warm afternoons in Hu-Yuhar. She had always envisioned him sitting on the throne beside her, his hand in hers as they led Wonderland into a glorious and peaceful future. Now there was nothing, only blackness and despair. What would she fight for? What would she live for?

Waves of anguish and rejection washed over her, and she let herself drown, glad to feel anything against the numbness that threatened.

She thought of his face, and how just moments ago, his lips had been on hers. She bit down on them so hard that she tasted blood.

For hours, Dinah lay beside the pool, her heart throbbing over each word he had said.

He didn’t love her. He never would. He never did.

She was undone.

When the night finally settled around her, she heard someone calling her name. Wardley? She listened again. No. Sir Gorrann. With trembling hands, Dinah pushed herself to her knees and splashed the clear water of the pool on her face. Opening her black eyes, she stared at herself, hardly recognizing the face in the reflection. She had left Wonderland Palace an idealist, a naive girl who dreamed of an easy crown and ruling beside a man who would understand and love her heart.

Now a jilted woman stared back at her, a forgotten child, a bitter warrior. The ends of her long black hair, her mother’s hair, dripped in the pool. Her mother. Even when her mother had everything—a crown, a husband, children, and all the riches of Wonderland Palace—she had still been unhappy. But unlike Dinah, at least her mother had had the man she loved. Dinah wouldn’t even have that. She was alone. Hands clenching with rage, Dinah picked up her dagger. With two short tugs, she was able to cut off most of her hair, so that it hit her right at the chin. Without a second thought, Dinah tossed her braid into the pool and turned to meet Sir Gorrann. He ran up to her, his eyes filled with concern, his voice raining curses down on her that she didn’t hear. The pain was still alive inside her, consuming and insatiable.