Bittersweet Symphony (Bittersweet #4)(31)
“Nothing.” She replied batting her eyelashes at me. I groaned stretching. She takes the invitation to barrel into my room and then have the audacity to sit on my bed well I am trying to sleep for “nothing” I don’t think so.
“Liar.” I shot back.
“Come on. I can find you something to wear if you want me too.” I let out a laugh. She is kidding right. I heard about some of the shit she made Jenna wear. I am not going to put myself in her shoes.
“I don’t even want to go, and no way in hell are you going to be picking out my clothes IF I do go.” I really don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave my room at all. I know Sam is out there lurking waiting for his chance to pounce on me. I needed to tell Ryder before it go out of hand but I am scared. So scared that he will think that I do something wrong. That it is me who spilled his secrets.
“Come on. Let me choose… I can hardly wear what I want without showing off my belly so the least you can let me do is dress you up. It’ll make up for my loss.” She says smiling. She is so cheesy, but no she still isn’t getting the chance to dress me.
“No. I need to talk to Ryder.” The words flowed freely from my mouth. I haven’t talked to Mimi about Ryder and I. Not ever since she told me that he is bad news. We have locked eyes for months across the library. I always went there to study and he went there for… Well I bet you can guess it.
“Ryder… Hmm… Why isn’t I told about this?” There is no anger in her voice, or irritation, in fact she looks kind of happy. Which kind of scared me, because at one point she is very certain that Ryder is bad news.
“Well it kind of just happened. We were friends and then we realized that we wanted to be more. We haven’t said I love you, and I don’t honestly know how serious things are. If anyone knows Ryder it’s you guys, and we all know he’s like a volcano. Ready to blow at any given time.”
She nodded “Yup. Except with you. He’s different. I think for the first time ever in his life he actually has something that he knows he can lose. He’s never had to be afraid of losing something because it’s always been him doing the leaving.”
I know what she meant. I know all about Ryder and his escapades. He is so secretive and dark. No one know what is burning just under the surface wanting to break free. It isn’t until we exchanged secrets that I learned a tiny bit about what it is that made him who he is. He is damaged goods, or so he thought.
“I don’t know about that Mimi. He can handle losing me, it’s me that I don’t think can handle losing him.”
She patted my knee as if mothering me. Who needed moms when you have Jenna and Mimi around?
“Just know that in the end if everything falls apart that it was beautiful well it happened and that though it didn’t work out there was a reason why. It’s hard but I think Ryder understands whatever it is he’s going through is wrong. I think he knows deep down that having you makes him a better person. So well it’s hard to be that rock for him right now, and you’re afraid just remember that he needs you. That everything will work out.”
Yeah, and we have now went from hurricane Mimi phase, to I think I’m a psychologist let me help you fix your problems even though I can’t fix my own.
“Thanks but if its falls apart it’s going to suck. I’m invested and the shit that’s going on between us is rough. Not just Ryder and I rough, just in general rough.” I know it is vague but I can’t be shouting from the rooftops my problems. One no one will care and two, Sam has friends everywhere.
“Oh Sam rough?” She isn’t really asking more along the lines of assuming. I don’t say anything in response which is just as bad as saying something. Either way it will be a lie, so I will rather just keep my mouth shut.
“You can tell me…” She trailed off as I got off the bed and walked the short distance over to my dresser. I wanted to tell her, tell someone but I can’t. Just can’t.
“I can’t. Not that I don’t want to, but I just can’t talk about it.” It will’ve been easier to be able to talk about it, to let the things that were bothering me go. To elevate some of the pressure.
“That’s a lie. You can. Everyone has a choice.” She says determined.
“I don’t.”
“You do.”
I turned around angry that she isn’t getting it. I can’t tell her what Ryder has told me about him. Which meant I can’t tell her that Sam possibly knows about it. I know that if that information got out there that it will be the end of me and Ryder. I have to hold onto the shred of hope that he won’t ever discover it.
“I can’t tell you because I promised Ryder I wouldn’t.” Her eyes grew large as if she doesn’t suspect it to be that big of an issue.
“Okay… Then don’t tell me whatever it is that you can’t tell me. Just tell me the other part.” She is moving her hands in a strange fashion. I hated people who talked with their hands. It made conversations hard.
I thought about it. Trying to figure out a way that I can go at it without letting Ryder’s secret out of the bag. Now that I am really thinking about it I wondered how Sam has found out. If Ryder doesn’t tell anyone other than me, then I am not sure how it got out.
“Sam knows Ryder’s secret… or at least I think he does. He hinted at some type of secret. Anyway… If he lets it out of the bag he ruins any chance of Ryder and me working out. Ryder will assume that it is me who f*cked up and I can’t do that. I can’t let him think that.”