Beyond the Horizon (Sons of Templar MC #4)(28)

“Ditto,” she winked, scowled at Aiden then walked to her room.

“Want to tell me where you went?” he asked softly.

I paused. “Let’s sit down,” I stalled, pointing to our floral sofa. It had a giant hole in the arm, which was covered by a printed pashmina. Apart from that, it was actually awesome. Covered in sequined cushions and fluffy throws. The perfect space to break up with someone. Not.

Once we were situated, with Aiden holding my hand, I spoke, “I went for a drive, just needed some time to think,” I started in a small voice. I wasn’t lying, only omitting the truth. “On my drive I realized that I need to have some space right now. Need to get my life back together.” The thought of doing that without my mom made me taste bile, but I focused on the task at hand. “I can’t do that to you. Can’t give you what you want the way I am now,” I whispered.

Aiden’s face was soft, he stroked my cheek. “It’s not about you giving me anything. I’m here to give you whatever you need, Lily. I’m here for the long run. I care about you, a lot.”

“You’re such a nice guy,” I whispered. “But I wasn’t in the right frame of mind when this started. I needed someone for comfort. It isn’t fair to you. We’re better as friends,” I informed him firmly.

Aiden sat back, his face blank. “You’re not budging on this,” he stated his eyes hard.

I shook my head. “I’m sorry.”

He nodded. “Yeah,” he muttered.

Silence descended. Unlike with Asher, it wasn’t comfortable. I fiddled with my fingers, my anxiety rearing its head. I didn’t do well in situations like this. Nervousness crawled all over me like hives.

“I guess I knew it,” Aiden said finally. “Knew you didn’t feel the same as I did for you. You’re so reserved. I never know what you’re thinking. It just makes you that much more intriguing. I wanted to be the man that opened you up, got inside that shell,” he sighed, “but I’m not that man, am I?” It wasn’t really a question, he was resigned to the fact.

I shook my head slowly.

He nodded again and leaned forward kissing my head softly. “This is not what I want, I’m just clarifying that now,” he told me quietly. “You change your mind, I’m here. But if not, I’m still your friend, okay?”

Such a nice guy.

I nodded and smiled. “You’ll find her. The one that’s right for you. It’s just not me,” I told him firmly.

He gave me a sad smile. “We’ll agree to disagree there.”

He stood. I stood with him, awkwardly walking to the door.

“You’ll call if there’s anything you need?” he asked firmly.

“Yeah,” I whispered, knowing I wouldn’t, not for a while anyway.

What I needed was my mom back. He couldn’t give me that. What I needed was solitude. That he could give me.

He gave me a sad look.

I sank against the back of the door when he was gone, letting out a breath of relief.

“Thank f*ck for that, thought I’d have to flea bomb the place to get him out,” Bex exclaimed.

I glanced over at her. She was leaning against her door jamb and eating straight from a tub of peanut butter.

My eyes widened at her. “You were eavesdropping?”

She rose her brows. “Um … of course,” she replied as if I was crazy for even asking her this.

I screwed my nose up at the container in her hands. “Please don’t tell me that’s your breakfast.”

She shrugged. “Good protein,” she mumbled.

I shook my head, making my way to the kitchen to make us breakfast. I wasn’t hungry, I hadn’t been for weeks, but it gave me something to do. Idle hands were the Devil’s instruments. And with the Devil came the demons.

“You did the right thing,” Bex declared, following me to plonk herself down on a barstool, peanut butter in tow.

I pulled eggs and milk out of the refrigerator, sitting them beside a loaf of bread.

She spied that and the pan I was getting out. “French toast? Fucking sicko,” she exclaimed in an Aussie accent and put her peanut butter down.

I rolled my eyes. “I know I did the right thing. It didn’t make hurting him any easier,” I told her.

She rolled her makeup smudged eyes. “Ugh. Seriously, I love you more than life itself Lilmeister, but stop caring about other people, especially douchebrain. Focus on yourself, for once in your life. Let this shit process. Yell, scream, cry, eat two tubs of ice cream while watching The Biggest Loser. I’m down for it all. Or to completely leave you in solitude,” she offered, knowing me too well.

I leaned against the counter, putting my head in my hands for a moment. “I’m scared,” I whispered then looked up at her. “For three years it’s been constant motion. Taking care of Mom, studying, working, rinse and repeat. I haven’t stopped. Haven’t contemplated any of it. I’m terrified if I do let myself realize that she’s gone, I’ll get lost. I’ll disappear in this chasm left in my life and never come out,” I told her brokenly. “Mom’s dead. Gone. It doesn’t feel real.” I stared at the door. “I’m expecting her to walk in here, paintbrushes in hand, declaring she’s going to paint our living room to brighten it up,” I said, choking on my tears.