Beast(78)

Then I laugh because f*ck it, I’m the Beast and I can do whatever I want.

I jump up and pull myself up over the wall. Swinging my legs over the side, I jump down. There. And my leg doesn’t even hurt, so multiple bonus points all around.

His dad had the sweetest tree house in Multnomah County built for JP in the third grade, and JP’s pretty much lived in it ever since. It’s insulated and has electricity and its own router for Internet. I stand on the ground underneath it and look up. The lights are dim. I hear them talking. Then not talking. They’re up there and I’m down here, but not for much longer.

The ladder is pulled up, just like Rapunzel’s hair (aw, how cute…) but I don’t need some stupid ladder; all I have to do is climb. I grip the branches and knobby burls of the old oak tree and hike myself up until I land at the front door with a thump. “Did you hear something?” I hear Jamie ask.

I undo the wooden latch and push the door open. “Hi.”

They both drop their controllers and Jamie screams. “Oh my god! You scared the crap out of us. What are you doing here?”

“I need to say two things and then I’ll go. You’ll never see or hear from me again.”

They stare at me with uncertain eyes.

“I don’t want to hurt anybody,” I say.

Jamie snorts. “Too late.”

“That’s why I came. Because I know it is too late and I know there’s nothing I can do about that, but then I saw this rainbow today.”

“You climb up here like King Kong because you saw a stupid rainbow?” JP says.

“Well, yeah. Because I thought it was my dad.”

They hold any snarky comments that were percolating and listen. I’m thankful.

“I can’t really explain it more than everything just crystallized on the walk over here. It’s so clear to me, I don’t even mind that JP’s here and listens to all this,” I say, looking at him. “Don’t get me wrong, you can sincerely still go screw yourself, but I’m in a very peaceful place right now.”

“That’s past unfair,” he says. “Between you and me, I’m the one who’s made an effort.”

“That’s up for debate. But, Jamie, I was really confused after, you know, our night,” I tell her. “I didn’t expect it and I didn’t know what to do with it. I was scared.”

“You treated me like I was dead because you were afraid?” she says. “That’s bullshit.”

“It’s worse than that. I treat dead people better than the way I treated you,” I say. “I treated you like you never existed. I know that.”

Her face twists and she looks away. It guts me.

“Like I said, after this I’ll leave and you’ll never see me again,” I say quietly. “But I wanted you to know that I never had any doubts about you. It was me I was afraid of. It’s going to sound stupid, but I was looking for a sign.”

JP laughs. “A sign?”

“From my dad.” I ignore JP and look at her instead. “Because yeah, I was up my butt. I thought for my whole life that I’m a freak. I mean, who am I really? Am I violent because I’m big? Am I angry because I’m so ugly? If only I had someone to talk to about all this—oh no, wait, he’s dead.” The two of them sit snug together, looking like a billboard in Times Square advertising secret things for beautiful people. “I’m sure there are problems with being really stupid good-looking, but I’ll never know what they are. But I wasn’t becoming a freak; I was fumbling at being a better person, which as you know is a somewhat freakish state for me. I don’t need signs. I only need to do the right thing.”

JP squints at me.

“I mean seriously, what is a man?” I say. “A guy with a beard and chest hair and a deep voice? Big deal. If that’s all it takes to be a man, I was one in the seventh grade and I was a total little shit back then. Now I know. Being a person has nothing to do with the packaging. It only has to do with being good. I wasn’t good to you, but I hope I get a chance to be in the future.”

Jamie smiles to herself. “You were horrible.”

“I know I was….” My eyes fly toward hers. “I was horrible.”

“We were horrible.”

A warm light flares inside my chest. It dims when she lets me go and her eyes drift back to the controller in her hands. As if that’s more important. “We were,” I say to myself. “I wasted all that time waiting for a sign. The sign was, I should’ve opened the f*cking door and returned a text message. But I didn’t.”

No one says anything and I sit, my eyes gazing down at the ground below. My broken leg dangles above slick blades of grass glinting in the lamplight. I sense it’s time for me to go. “Well…I didn’t come here to get you back. But I do want to be the kind of guy you’d be proud to be with,” I say. “Because the best thing I’ve ever held was your hand in mine. And then you in my arms.”

She drops the controller. Her fingers twist around each other, gripping knuckles with knuckles. My eyes flick to see her face, but it’s hidden. She doesn’t look at me. So I stop looking at her. “Even if I never see you again, I’ll still do my best to get the Ethans and Bryces of the world to understand better. I’ll put my weight behind it. So you can take your pictures and go to RISD and be a mom and do whatever you want in peace.”