Baking and Babies (Chocoholics #3)(67)

I need to say something since it appears as if Marco has become mute. Tell her to go f*ck herself. Tell her to take her porn star tits and go back to the stripper pole where she belongs. Tell her she’s a liar and snotty bitch.

Wait, did she say Alfanso?

“I puked when I gave him a blowjob,” I mutter.

“Blowjob puking?” Uncle Drew pipes up from across the table. “There’s porn for that. It’s a little disturbing, but surprisingly good quality. Hold on, I have it bookmarked.”

Uncle Drew pulls out his phone, and I stare at Marco, waiting for him to explain what the hell is going on before I lose my mind.

“Ava almost did that once, but she made it to the toilet right after she swallowed,” Tyler muses. “That’s why my pet name for her is Cum-Bubble. She had this adorable little bubble of snot and jizz in one nostril. I think I still have the picture somewhere on my phone.”

Why isn’t Marco saying anything?

“Holy shit! Are you Alfanso D.?!” Tyler suddenly shouts across the table in excitement, staring wide-eyed at Marco. “Dude, Chocolate Sauce Suckfest changed my life!”

He elbows Uncle Drew.

“Hold on, I almost found it. I saved it after the link for grandma banging and before the one for midget anal,” Uncle Drew mutters, finally looking up from his phone when Tyler keeps nudging him.

“Dad, we’ve been in the company of porn royalty this entire time and didn’t even know it,” Tyler says in awe.

“I’m not a partial-virgin anymore,” I mumble stupidly.

“Oh, I KNOW I’ve got virgin porn on here. You’re gonna need to be more specific about the partial thing, though,” Uncle Drew says, going back to his phone.

“Molly, I can explain,” Marco whispers, finally deciding to speak.

“Oh, this should be good,” Blondie mutters with a sarcastic laugh.

I finally clear my head enough to notice the guilty look on Marco’s face, and I realize he hasn’t said one word about how this bitch is lying or confused or a homeless meth addict posing as a server.

“How about you just f*ck right off, Giant Jugs?” I growl, my eyes narrowing at the slut who refuses to walk away.

She gasps and then huffs, looking at Marco like she expects him to come to her defense. When he wisely keeps his mouth shut and his eyes stay glued to mine, she finally storms away, leaving a cloud of fruity perfume in her wake that makes me nauseous.

“Molly, please—”

“Was she telling the truth?” I ask, cutting him off.

I don’t know why I’m even asking since I can see it written all over his miserable face. I can’t decide if I want to cry or smack him.

Calmly pushing my chair back, I stand and toss my napkin on top of the table.

“I lied. It IS a big deal and it doesn’t happen to every guy!” I yell, channeling Rachel from Friends.

Marco gasps, but I’m too upset and heart broken and pissed to let the hurt look on his face get to me.

“Ooooh, got yourself a wilting wiener problem, huh?” Uncle Drew asks him with a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry, I’ve got just the porn for that. Shit, where did I put the link to the toe f*cking website…”

On that note, I turn and walk away from the table. I keep my head down as the tears start to fall when I realize Marco isn’t going to chase after me, a shout from Uncle Drew making this night even more sad and pathetic.

“Shit! I can’t believe someone erased my toe-f*cking link. Dammit, Tom Brady!”





Chapter 23




– Smell the Meat –

Marco




Like the f*cking coward I am, I left the rehearsal dinner last night with my tail tucked between my legs as soon as Molly walked away from me with tears in her eyes. Well, as soon as Drew made me watch twenty minutes of foot fetish porn and Tyler told me he knew a guy who knew a guy who could get me Viagra, but it would involve me stripping at something called BronyCon that I was afraid to ask about.

I knew this would happen and I knew it would f*ck up everything, but like an idiot, I just kept putting it off until it all blew up in my face. And blow up it did when a blast from my man-whore past showed up and ruined my life.

Fucking Megan Levine…that chocolate sauce chapter wasn’t even about her, but the one with the recipe for a strawberry sauce to add to your bath water for a fresh smelling vagina was. That chick had a nice rack, but her * smelled like ham, and not delicious, Easter Sunday ham either. Like ten-day-old rancid lunchmeat ham.

Stupid Megan Levine and her stupid ham vagina.

“Did you call my guy’s guy about the dick drugs?”

Tyler comes up next to me and hands me a beer while I stare across the room at Molly. I tried to talk to her earlier at the wedding ceremony, but she pretended like I didn’t exist and refused to even look at me. I’m not leaving this reception until she lets me apologize and explain.

“I don’t need dick drugs, Tyler, we were talking about a soufflé,” I clarify, watching Molly duck down under the head table again for probably the tenth time in the last few minutes.

What the hell is she doing?

“Is that like, French or something? I kind of like it. It sounds more dignified to say I f*cked a soufflé,” he muses. “Is that gonna be in the next book? Can I get an advanced copy?”