Baking and Babies (Chocoholics #3)(35)

Fortunately, Ava speaks fluent rambling nonsense and nods her head in understanding.

“Yeah, Charlotte told me about the bag of dicks thing, too. Bravo to Marco for finally putting an end to that argument so we don’t have to listen to it at yet another Thanksgiving dinner,” she says. “He’s not completely ignoring you, so obviously they didn’t scare him away for good. The poor guy had to deal with a lot in one day, so cut him some slack. He took his own life in his hands, and you didn’t even put out when it was over. That guy is a saint.”

Even though my life is on the verge of imploding all because of Charlotte, I can’t deny that it was sort of nice when we did have that little moment in the doctor’s office, and she’s called and texted me nonstop since then checking to see if I’ve heard anything more from Marco, like she actually cares. And I’m more than a little surprised that I actually like it.

If Charlotte is the sister I can talk about stupid girl stuff with like my feelings, and it doesn’t make me break out in hives, I suppose I can suck it up and give Ava a chance to give me her expertise—sex.

“There’s no way he expected to get sex after that…” I mutter, biting my bottom lip as I think it over. “Right? I mean, sure we’ve known each other for two years, but that was the first time we ever hung out and said more than a handful of words to each other.”

She laughs and shakes her head at me. “Oh, little sister, you have so much to learn. Tyler expects sex if he remember to put the toilet seat down. Marco met your family on the first date AND had to put up with everyone looking at him the entire time while they pictured him sticking his penis in their little girl. He had to deal with the fact that our parent’s brains gave his dick more action than his dick actually got. You’re right, sex might have been a bit much, but you could have thrown the guy a bone and given him a handy or something.”

I’m pretty sure studying Urban Dictionary would be more beneficial than asking for Ava’s advice on sex.

“Can you be serious for one minute?” I ask in irritation. “I don’t need you making fun of me for not jerking him off at the end of the night. I’m sure touching a guy’s penis when he’s throwing up six pounds of hotdogs is no big deal for you, but it’s just a little bit out of my comfort zone.”

She crosses her arms and speaks to me matter-of-factly. “I am always serious when it comes to sex. While it’s true that I happen to have some experience with the aforementioned during a recent bout of the stomach flu and Tyler insisting it was the only way he could stop throwing up, I assure you it wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”

I never thought I’d see the day when I’d rather talk about Bronies…

“I’m not making fun of you, Molly,” she continues. “To avoid any confusion, my advice would be to tell Marco the truth. If he knows you’re a virgin, his expectations won’t be as high and you won’t constantly be worrying that he’s waiting for you to do something.”

I shake my head at her and roll my eyes. “I can’t just come right out and tell him something like that, it’s embarrassing.”

“Really?” she scoffs. “More embarrassing than our father picturing Marco spraying his seed all up in your business whenever he looks at you?”

“Eeeeeew!” I groan in disgust. “Come on!”

“It’s not like you have to give him all the details about Quinn Curtis in the back of his dad’s Honda Civic and explain that you sort of had sex, but you’re still a virgin because they guy has a micro penis,” she informs me.

“Jesus, is there anything Charlotte DIDN’T tell you?” I complain.

“Oh, Charlotte didn’t tell me that. I read your texts two days after prom,” she informs me with a shrug. “Don’t feel bad. I dated his older brother for a week in high school and gave him a blowjob after a football game. I open my mouth wider when I whistle. It runs in the family.”

I close my eyes and start rubbing the tips of my fingers against my temples, wondering if it’s possible for a brain to literally explode.

“Here, let’s practice,” she announces. “Repeat after me. Marco, I haven’t lost my virginity yet.”

I drop my hands from the side of my head and glare at her.

“I’m not just going to blurt out that I haven’t lost my virginity. I didn’t lose it, I know exactly where it is. It’s in my vagina where it will remain until the right time comes along,” I tell her indignantly.

“This guy has seen Uncle Drew’s balls!” she argues. “In a Walmart parking lot, for God’s sakes! There is no such thing as the right time when Uncle Drew’s balls have already made an appearance. Do you want to have sex with this guy?”

I roll my eyes and sigh. “Yes.”

“Then be loud and be proud!” she shouts, throwing her fist in the air. “I haven’t lost it yet, but I want to lose it with you!”

Since I made the mistake of staying in the room and letting Ava give me her stupid expertise instead of plugging my ears and running away as fast as I could, I might as well get this over with so I can pretend like it never happened.

“I haven’t lost it yet, but I want to lose it with you,” I mumble under my breath.