Baking and Babies (Chocoholics #3)(32)

“Can we please get back on track here?” I ask with an annoyed shake of my head.

Mom reaches into the front pocket of her apron and pulls out a banana and a condom, holding them out to me.

“Fine. You’re going to demonstrate the proper way to use protection, and you’re going to keep doing it until you get it right,” she informs me. “Take the banana and the prophylactic. I had to ask the pharmacist to show me where to locate these things, and then he had to explain all the different kinds. It’s no wonder you screwed this up. Ribbed and magnum and tingling sensation…I do not understand today’s youth and why they make things so difficult. Your father and I managed just fine with the ‘pull-out-and-pray’ method.”

Rosa starts laughing and I start wondering what the possibilities are that I’m adopted.

“I’m not going to demonstrate anything and stop saying prophylactic; it’s freaking me out!” I complain, crossing my arms like a child and refusing to take the things in her hand.

Picturing my mother going to the pharmacy and asking where the condoms are is bad enough. Having to hear her continue to say that word over and over will make me never want to have sex again.

“We’re not leaving this room until you put this on the banana!” she argues. “I got glow-in-the-dark so we can be here all night!”

Grabbing the items from her hands so she stops shaking them in my face, I toss them over my shoulder and the banana thumps on the floor out in the hallway.

“I know how to use a condom, we are never speaking of my childhood masturbatory habits ever again, and I did NOT get anyone pregnant!” I yell at the top of my voice.

“I’m confused,” Rosa states.

I sigh, realizing I’ve reached a new low when I’d rather go back to talking about jerking off into gym socks than trying and explain this to them.

“It’s a long story,” I mutter.

Both of us stare at our mother as she bends down and starts pulling things out of the bags by my feet.

“There’s no sense in lying about it now, Alfanso. I had a nice long chat with that Molly girl’s aunt at the beauty parlor, and then we went shopping together,” she tells me happily, her mood doing a complete one-eighty as she digs through one of the bags and the sound of crinkling plastic fills the room.

Rosa’s head whips up from watching Mom dig through the bags and she stares at me in shock. “Wait, Molly as in ‘Cut the cord from mommy’ Facebook Molly? The Molly you just publicly asked out on a date on social media? That’s who you knocked up?”

“YOU asked her out on a date, not me! And yes, that Molly,” I reply, quickly backpedalling when Rosa opens her mouth to most likely call me a bunch of names. “But I did NOT get her pregnant!”

Mom stands up and begins shoving things at me, one after another until my arms are full of….

“Are these bibs? And bottles and baby socks and…what the hell is THIS?” I ask, staring at the box she just put on top of the pile I’m trying not to drop.

“It’s a breast pump,” Mom says with a huff, like I’m a moron for not knowing. “I also got ten packs of diapers, three receiving blankets, four different styles of pacifiers because you never know what the baby will like, diaper rash cream, and a baby monitor.”

Her face scrunches up in concentration for a minute and while she thinks, I try to force my brain to process what is happening.

“Oh!” she announces excitedly, clapping her hands together. “I knew I forgot something. Rosa, go out to my trunk and get the Diaper Genie.”

“What the hell is a Diaper Genie? Is that like, a guy who changes all the diapers? Why didn’t Tessa have one of those?” I ask, my brain clearly not catching up as fast as I’d like.

“I think now would be a good time for that long story you mentioned before Mom starts building an addition on the house for a nursery,” Rosa whispers, as my mom hands her a tiny little baby shirt.

“Awwww, look,” Rosa says, holding it up in front of her. “It says World’s Greatest Aunt!”

I finally get my head out of my ass, opening my arms and letting everything my mom shoved at me fall to the floor, snatching the shirt from Rosa’s hands that she’s cooing over.

“Heeeey! Give me my aunt shirt back!” she complains.

“You don’t need a damn aunt shirt because you aren’t going to be an aunt again!” I argue, holding it out of her reach as she tries to grab it back. “And I don’t need a magic genie to change diapers, or any of this other stuff, because I’m not going to be a father! I didn’t get anyone pregnant.”

Bending down to avoid the evil-eye both of the women in the room are now giving me, I start shoveling all the items I dropped back into the bags.

“Molly is doing a favor for her sister, and I’m not kidding when I say it’s a long story,” I explain, wondering if I could have Molly give all this stuff to Charlotte and earn me a few more brownie points so she’ll forget about the whole puking in the bushes thing the other night. “She’s pretending to be pregnant and I’m pretending to be the father because her sister wants to wait until after her wedding in a few weeks to break the news to everyone. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I honestly never thought you’d run into one of Molly’s relatives and find out. It’s not that big of a deal, but you guys absolutely CANNOT tell anyone about this.”