Apprentice (The Black Mage, #2)(46)

I felt my face go up in flames as I glared at my brother – and Ian, who was no better, shaking and trying very hard not to laugh at my brother's joke.

"Your brother does make a good point."

My eyes shot to Darren whose eyes hadn't left my face. "Would you like to dance, Ryiah?"

"I." I froze, looking to Ian and Alex who were too busy laughing, and then Ella, who was too busy trying to get the stain out of her skirts from when Alex had knocked over his juice.

I swallowed. I wanted very much to say no…

But there was another part of me that wanted to say yes. It knew better, of course, but it was screaming too loudly to care. Yes, yes, yes. It was an idiotic, foolish notion – but it wouldn't go away.

You are going to regret this, the sane part of me warned.

I stood and let Darren lead, my hand in the nook of his arm as he led me to the center of the ballroom floor. People automatically parted in the wake of the prince and granted us extra space as was the custom for royalty. I was unaware of all the faces staring; my eyes were glued to the prince as he put one arm on my waist and reached up to put my hand on his shoulder.

"What dance is this?" I mumbled. The music hadn't started but I knew instinctively that Ella hadn't taught me the steps to the one he was about to begin.

"Don't worry," he said quietly, "I won't mind if you step on my feet."

All at once the music began and I didn't bother to wonder at how the musicians had timed their play to begin exactly when he moved my arm. I didn't stop to think about how everyone else was quiet, how the room seemed to sparkle and glow in a heady gold light as he led me forward and back. All I was aware of was his palm on the small of my back and the way my skin burned hot beneath the dress as we moved.

Darren's second hand held mine in the air, and as we continued to travel across the floor it seemed so perfect, so easy for him to lead me through the series of fast and slow steps. And it felt right. It felt impossibly, ridiculously right.

The corner of his lip twitched. "I hope you didn't mind my asking you."

"Why would I mind?" I was distracted by his mouth.

Stop staring, Ryiah.

"You've been avoiding me."

I stumbled and tripped – but Darren caught me and turned it into a low, swooping dip. "I take back what I said to you about that dress in Mahj." He paused. "You should never take this one off."

I forced myself to swallow. "T-that's not very practical."

Darren brought me higher and held me upright, not moving, as he said, "There is nothing practical about the way you look tonight, Ryiah."

You are with Ian. I kept my eyes on the ground. Ian. Ian...

"Why are you saying this?" I had no memory of the dance. I let Darren spin and twirl me around the room lost in the beat of my thundering pulse.

The prince stiffened. "Because I am a fool... And you look beautiful. And I-" Darren made himself look at me. My heart stopped. "I just thought you should know."

Not Darren, I told myself repeatedly, desperately. Anyone but Darren.

"In Devon." I couldn't stop myself. "What did your brother say to you?"

The prince's jaw set. "Don't ask me something you don't really want the answer to." He dipped me again and when he pulled me to him his face was guarded. "Thank you for dancing with me, Ryiah. Even if you didn't want to."

Darren released me and I caught the scent wafting from his shirt – a mixture of pine and cloves that smelled so much like my home in Demsh'aa it brought tears to my eyes. But it wasn't just his smell, as soon as he released me I felt cold and numb and… empty.

I watched Darren walk away, cutting through the crowd to Priscilla who stood at its edge, glaring pointedly. I continued to stare, oblivious, until Ian found me.

"Are you feeling alright?" the fourth-year asked, anxiously. "You look flushed, Ryiah. Perhaps it's too hot in here…"

But what I was feeling had nothing to do with the room. The temperature could not make me feel like I was suffocating – like something was dying, like something was shattering, breaking into a million tiny pieces as Priscilla took the non-heir's hand in hers.

Ian pressed his palm to my forehead. "You should lie down. Would you like me to walk you to your chambers?"

"No." Did I really feel this empty all the time? Or was it just that Darren had made me feel whole? What was it that I had felt when he held me? Safe. Whole. Happy. But right now I couldn't remember any of those things with Ian.

What was wrong with me?

I swallowed, a hard lump lodged in the base of my throat. "You should stay and enjoy the rest of the evening with Alex and Ella."

"Are you sure?" A flash of confusion dashed across the boy's features but it was gone before I could place it. "Goodnight, Ryiah."

"Goodnight, Ian." I walked up the atrium steps in a haze, hardly conscious of Sjeka's beautiful sea as I passed the looming window to the second spiraling stair of the apprentice quarters.

As I continued the walk down the long, dark passage I forced myself to replay the dance in my head. It's an illusion. It's not real. What I feel is not real.

But it had felt real. And I had felt it before. But it wasn't fair, it wasn't right, it wasn't-