And the Trees Crept In(72)
And he sobs and he screams and the house listens and groans.
“Thank you.”
Gowan is crying now, his hands pressed over his eyes. I gently remove them.
“You helped me to free myself. Helped me to forgive myself and dispel my guilt. Now you need to know that I forgive you.”
“For letting you die?” He chokes and balls up his hands, shaking. The dark thing hanging on to him darkens. “For leaving you all alone?”
“For doing everything you could. Twice.”
I kiss him, pushing my deepest hope and love and light into the kiss. “Now you have to forgive yourself.”
He shakes his head, his eyes full of the wordless remorse that’s been growing and eating at him for more than seven decades. “I… I can’t, Silla. I was too late—I should have—”
“Please.” I lean close to his ear. “Forgive yourself. I forgive you.”
He sighs.
Gathers me into his arms.
All this time…
“Silla… I have you. After so long. I have you again.”
“We have each other. Gowan… I don’t feel it.” I breathe into his neck.
“What?”
“Sadness. Guilt. Anger.”
“What do you feel?”
I laugh. “I feel alive!”
epilogue
I am sobbing, if ghosts can sob, and we are clinging to each other and shaking with the wounds we have both suffered, apart and together. “I’m sorry,” I say, over and over. “Oh, Gowan. I’m so sorry I couldn’t wait for you. That you had to see—”
He kisses me—hundreds of kisses on my face, in my hair, on my forehead, on my lips. He is kissing my existence, holding my face like I’m the most beautiful miracle he has ever seen. And I’m not much better myself.
At last, he says, breathless, “I… forgive myself.”
I laugh and we kiss, and the grass is there to meet us when we lie back under a beautiful sun. “Good, you stupid boy! Good!”
I sigh. “All that time, I was just walking around thinking, This is my life. How many other people are walking around in their own purgatory?”
“Probably more than I’d like to think about.”
“And they don’t even know it.” Something occurs to me. “You know… Cath and Pamela, my mother, turned the Creeper Man into a villain after Anne was killed in the woods. I still don’t know the story there, and I guess I never will now. But, it just occurred to me. When I made myself the Creeper Man… I made myself a murderer.”
He touches my cheek. “Yes, dear Silla. That’s what you thought you were.”
“And the creaking was always her rope. And my hunger was…”
“You starved. You wouldn’t leave Nori.”
I sigh. “I thought… I thought I was anorexic or something. Or that the house had infected me somehow.”
Gowan smiles, and there is no happiness in it now. “When in reality, you were infecting everything.”
“But you came in,” I whisper, and I lean my face into his hand and smile. “Into my hell. You rescued me.”
“You rescued yourself.”
“What happens now?”
“Now… we move on.”
“I don’t want to. I want another chance.”
He looks at me, and I see the fear in his eyes.
“I didn’t get enough time with you. Enough time with life. It was bad, Gowan. So much of it was so bad. And the good—with you and with Nori and with Cath, before… it didn’t last long. I want more.”
He squeezes my hand. “Anything is possible.”
“We could go back and have another try, you know.”
“We might end up continents away from each other.”
“I would find you. I know it.”
I kiss him and the rest of my painful past rushes away on the raging river of joy inside me.
“Meet you on earth,” he whispers,
and we are gone.
Acknowledgments
Thank you first to my husband, who believed in this story even when I had my doubts, and who believed in my ability to pull it off.
To my mother, my endless source of pride and light, I love you more than I can ever express. You listened to all the terrible stories I came up with since the moment I could talk—thank you for never once putting me down. You protected a little girl’s ego, and made all the difference.
To Proff. S, Proff. O’G, Ngosi, Andrew, Diane, and all the staff at Kings—forever thank you. My donor and hero, I will thank forever. This is because of you. I never forget. Never.
My wonderwomen—I mean, editors—Alvina Ling and Helen Thomas. Thank you for seeing my story, what I’m trying to do, where I’m trying to go, and for bringing it out of me to the absolute fullest. I am so grateful you ladies are with me on this amazing journey. I will always edit smiling, knowing you are there, too!
A special thank-you to Maggie Edkins for her beautiful and elegant design. She brought this little book visual life.
Polly Nolan and Sarah Davies of Greenhouse Literary Agency—my advocates and agents—I adore you both. Thank you for taking this little bud of a writer into your care and letting me grow and bloom.