Addicted to the Duke (Imperfect Lords #1)(59)
He slowly withdrew his hand from hers.
She pressed on. “What about your family, tenants, those who look to you for their livelihoods? Why are you risking your life when it won’t bring back those stolen two years?”
“We are not having this discussion.”
“I finally understand why you don’t want us with you when you face him. You are worried Murad might win.” She hesitated before softly whispering, “Well, I am too. He’s already taken so much from you, don’t let him take your life too.”
He turned and thumped the table. “You have no idea—”
“Don’t I?”
Alex sneered. “You were held by his men for all of a few days. I was held by Murad for two years. Two years. You have no idea what he did to me, what I did to myself, to others…”
“No. I don’t. I don’t really want to know, but perhaps it will help you to talk about it. The pain of your past is eating you up inside. I can see how you have changed from the man I sailed home with. You’ve grown increasingly bitter and you keep others at a distance.”
“That is because I’m a dangerous man to be around.”
She laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve never known a more honorable man.”
His face darkened. “That’s because you don’t really know me. If you did, you’d ensure your devotion moved to someone more worthy.”
“I don’t really know you? I think I do. I think I know the man you’ve hidden away. This”—she waved her hand up and down his body—“this man I am talking to now I surely don’t know.”
Alex’s eyes narrowed. “I’m pretty sure the other night you got to know this man very well.”
His terse words drew her up short. Oh God, he knew. Her face flamed with heat.
“Yet you choose to pretend nothing has occurred between us. You must have a reason. If I am such a good man, why have you not demanded I do the honorable thing? Or is it because you know you took advantage—”
Her gasp made Alex’s mouth snap shut. He ran a hand through his hair and cursed.
Hurt beyond pain, she rose to her feet. “Who is Tulay?” she asked softly.
He stopped his pacing and swung to face her, a look of such devastation on his face she wished she could take the words back.
“Who told you abut Tulay? If bloody Jacob has been telling tales I’ll—”
“You did.” He took a step back. “You called out her name in your dreams.” She heard him murmur nightmares. “Who is she?”
“She was my—paramour—more than that, she was one of my lifelines while in captivity.”
Was?
Alex’s words came out deep and low. “We were together, like a husband and wife, while I was in captivity.”
She swallowed. “What happened to her?”
“She was beaten to death because of me. Her blood is on my hands. On Murad’s hands. And I will not rest until I have avenged her.”
It all suddenly made terrible sense. He was an honorable man as she’d always thought. He also was a man who would protect those he loved. This wasn’t about his revenge for being kept a slave by Murad. It was revenge for a woman he loved. She could feel his agony from here.
“You must have loved her greatly.”
He laughed and shook his head. “In the state we were both in we were not capable of love, but we did share a bond. I promised her we would escape—together. I let her down.”
“You are too hard on yourself. You were a captive too; how were you supposed to save her when you could not save yourself?”
He sank back into the chair on the other side of the dining table. “Why did you pretend nothing occurred between us?”
“When you said Tulay’s name, I thought you were in love with another woman.”
An awkward pause followed her revelation. Finally Alex said, “I don’t think I’m capable of love. I certainly wasn’t back then. All I wanted was opium or pleasure to take away my pain. Murad twisted my soul, and until I find peace for both myself and Tulay, I can’t move on.”
He was telling her to give up on him, and that she refused to do.
“I understand what’s driving you, but are you sure Tulay would want you to give up your life to destroy Murad? Wouldn’t she want you to live, be happy, have a life you both craved? The life she could never have?”
“I thought you’d be more concerned about the situation you find yourself in. I’ve ruined you.”
Hestia wanted to disagree, but he was right. She was no longer a virgin.
“I could have also got you with child, but odds are low. I’ve never fathered any children.”
Probably a blessing, Hestia thought to herself. For his child to be born in captivity to Murad would have been a living hell for any parent, and if he’d fathered a girl…She shuddered in the warm humid air.
“So what are we going to do about our situation?” Alex asked. “The wise thing would be for you to become my wife. You would be protected by my name, by my family.”
Her hope rose. “If we marry will you still go after Murad?”
He merely nodded.
“I see.” She knew what her father would want. He’d want her reputation, which was hardly spotless to begin with, saved, even if it meant marrying Alex. It hurt less that he’d not loved Tulay, but he’d also implied he did not love her.