Actual Stop (Agent O’Connor #1)(93)

“What? It is what it is, Allison. I’m not mad at you. I don’t agree with your reasoning at all. In fact, I strongly suspect you’re lying to yourself about your true motivations, and I really wish you’d consulted me before you started making changes that affected my life. But I can’t do anything about it. What’s done is done.”

That was a pretty pragmatic attitude, considering. And I really meant it. Well, mostly. I was hurt, and furious, but I had to accept the situation for what it was. No emotion would change anything, so I saw no sense in letting my feelings run wild. That’s what I was telling myself anyway. It helped me retain my forced calm. Sort of.

Allison sighed and focused on the ceiling, but she didn’t seem to be really seeing it. She was obviously occupied with something in her mind. Now I needed to be patient and not push her to speak before she was ready.

The silence lingered, making me even more uneasy, and it was my turn to sigh. I could barely keep my eyes, which had the consistency of sandpaper, open. The past several days had been the psychological equivalent of unsuccessfully navigating a minefield. Things had been exploding around me at every turn. At this point, I just needed to get some real, non-drug-induced sleep and postpone any further emotionally draining discussions until I could think coherently. Too bad life didn’t have a pause button.

“You’re right,” Allison said finally.

“You can’t possibly—Wait…What?”

“I said you were right.”

“I was?”

Allison smirked. “Yeah, smart-ass. You were.”

“Oh.”

“Not used to hearing that, huh?”

“Not from you, no.”

Allison scoffed.

“Okay. So, uh…What was I right about exactly?”

“I did think breaking up with you was the best thing for everyone at the time. But it was definitely more right for me.”

I cleared my throat. “Thank you for telling me.”

“There’s something else I haven’t told you.”

“What?”

“I almost told them no.”

“What?!”

I was stunned. That was definitely news. People waited for years to be called to The Show. As far as I knew, no one had ever turned down PPD when they’d gotten the nod. It was just too risky. You couldn’t be sure you’d ever be offered the opportunity again. Entire careers had been broken over less.

Allison nodded, her expression once again deadly serious. “I told them I needed to get back to them, and I spent most of the day thinking about it.”

“But…Why?” That made no sense. The very first day I’d met her, within the space of our first conversation, she’d told me she wanted to go to PPD. She’d wanted to use that as a stepping stone on the way to a promotion. I couldn’t imagine anything that would make her hesitate when she was offered the one thing she’d always wanted.

“Because I had you.”

I gaped at her. My thoughts were twisted and snarled, and while my lips were moving, nothing resembling words was coming out of my mouth.

A small, understanding sort of smile stole over Allison’s face as she watched me react to that bombshell. “I was actually considering changing the entire course of my career—my life—because I didn’t want to leave you. But then, when I realized what I was doing…” She bit her bottom lip again. “It terrified me. Wanting…Needing someone so much I was willing to throw away everything I’d ever dreamed of…It—I couldn’t.”

Comprehension clicked inside of me. Finally. For the first time since Allison had left, I actually understood why. She hadn’t left because she didn’t love me. She’d left because she’d been afraid.

Allison recognized the instant I realized what she couldn’t bring herself to say and looked away, appearing slightly embarrassed. Wanting to give her the illusion of a moment of privacy as well as garner a second for myself, I closed my eyes.

“So, now you know.” Her voice was quiet and a little rough with choked emotion.

I tried to shift so I could settle more on my left side and rest my left cheek in the heel of my hand. I was slightly bitter that we’d wasted so many years apart because of her fear. But I didn’t have time to dwell on that. Not when so many important questions about the future remained unasked and unanswered.

“And now?” I managed to say.

“And now what? Are you asking if I still love you? Because I think I made that pretty clear.”

My heart boomed like thunder and threatened to drown out the sounds of regular life around me. My nerves were shot. I was terrified to continue down this path, but I needed to know something before I got in any deeper.

“No, I’m asking if you can now. You said you couldn’t back then, but I need to know if that’s changed. Because I have to be honest here, Allison. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you, and I’d kill for another shot at us, but I can’t go back to the way things were. I won’t.”

That’d been the hardest thing I’d ever had to say to anyone, and I’d been on the verge of throwing up as I’d forced those words out of my mouth. My hands were shaking, and my entire body was buzzing as I waited to see how she’d react.

Allison looked at me with regret, tenderness, affection, and her expression broke my heart. She cupped my cheeks in her hands and ran the pads of her thumbs across my skin. Her dark eyes looked intently into mine, and I trembled. She seemed to see straight to my soul.