A Thousand Letters(69)

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Wade

The front door opened and slammed shut, and Ben and I shared a wary look, neither of us expecting Sophie to blow into the living room, fuming.

"I need to talk to you." Her eyes were razorblades.

Ben nodded. "I'll, ah, give you guys a minute," he said as he left, abandoning me.

Her lips pinched, her whole body coiled up like a spring. "You slept with Elliot."

A jolt shot up my spine. I nodded.

"How could you do that to her, Wade? How?" she said, the words like daggers. "You know she still loves you, and you still love her, but I don't even know if you deserve her. Not after what you've put her through."

"Sophie—"

"I used to, you know," she said as she began to pace like a caged animal. "All this time I've tried to be understanding, tried to see your side, had your back and supported your decision even though I disagreed. I never asked you about her, not once, even though I knew you were both hurting. Especially her. Because, unlike you, she actually talks to me."

"Sophie, if you would just listen—"

"And you come back here, treat her like a pariah, and then go over there and take advantage of her?" She shook her head. "I don't even know who you are anymore."

"Stop!" I shouted, her words cutting through me. "Just hang on and let me speak."

"Why? Are you going to deny it?"

"No, but—"

"So you've just got a bunch of excuses. Imagine that," she scoffed.

I stood, frustration coursing through me, making it impossible to sit still. "It's not like that."

She crossed her arms and glared at me. "Well, then, explain it to me."

"Are you going to interrupt me?"

"I'll give you two minutes."

I ran my hand down my face, pressing my eyes with my fingers, sorting back through the days, trying to decide where to start. So I started at the beginning.

"I've always loved her, since the first moment I saw her, and that has never changed. Didn't matter how badly I wanted it to."

Her face softened by the smallest degree.

"If things had been different, if I'd come here for any other reason but for Dad, maybe I would have known what to do about her. But I didn't. I didn't handle anything the way I should and now … now I've ruined everything, hurt everyone. Even you and Sadie. I went there that night because I knew she was the only person in the world who would understand, the only one who could remind me that there was a reason to live. She was the only one I could turn to. And then … I was scared. I've been scared since I walked into that hospital, all the way up until we put him in the ground. But right now I'm not scared. Now I'm only ashamed, empty, wounded. This whole time, I've needed her, but I couldn't have her, couldn't see past myself to tell her. And now that I understand what I've done, it's too late."

Her anger melted away, and she covered her lips with her fingers, shaking her head as she sank onto the couch. "Wade …"

"I'm sorry, Sophie," I pleaded. "I'm sorry I haven't been here for you, but I didn't know how. I'm sorry I hurt you, but I was too hurt to give of myself. I'm sorry I left you over and over again, but I was afraid of what I'd do if I stayed. Please, forgive me."

"I forgive you," she said quietly after a moment. "Why didn't you talk to me? Why didn't you tell me?"

I took the seat next to her and leaned forward, resting my forearms on my thighs. "I didn't know what to say, how to act. I couldn't deal, Soph. Not with any of it. And to have Elliot here on top of everything was just too much."

"You've got to talk to her."

I clasped my hands between my knees and squeezed. "I want to. I do, but I … I've made so many mistakes. So many. Too many."

She laid her hands around mine, and I looked up to meet her eyes. "Wade, she loves you. You just have to find a way to tell her you love her too. Make it up to her. Get her back, beg her forgiveness. She'll say yes — I know it. Maybe not at first, but she's been waiting here for you to forgive her for seven years. Give that to her and tell her you were wrong and I don't think there's a chance she'll say no."

After what I'd said to her, after what I'd done, it seemed like forgiveness was a pipe dream, a carrot on a string I'd almost had in my hands over and over again. I needed to think, needed time.

Time. Time. Time.

It was the one thing I'd never been afforded, no matter how I begged and pleaded. And now … now I knew I needed to make the most of it.

Sophie gripped my hands. "Just think about it."

I nodded, and when she shifted to embrace me I found myself overcome.

The doorbell rang, and she pulled away. "I'll get it," she said, touching my shoulder before she walked away.

Elliot's voice carried into the room from the entry, and I straightened up, my heart ticking faster with surprise and anticipation. With fear. But I pulled myself up and ventured out to face her.

"She told me to leave. I found her in the kitchen with—" She stopped when she saw me, and her face shut down, closed off. "With Jack. Mary and Jack are having an affair."