A SEAL's Courage (Military Match #1)(23)

The relief was so profound he couldn’t stop the full-body shudder that moved through him. He let his shoulders slump as a sense of bliss enveloped him. He released a serrated breath, reached up to close his fingers around hers, and gave in to the pull of her. “I can’t stop seeing him.”

“Cooper?”

Her reply came softly, no judgment, simply honest curiosity. She was doing what she did best. She tended to pull shit out of him he shouldn’t tell her. She didn’t need to know this crap. The ugly stuff. And he hated the feeling he was somehow tainting her world by sharing it. But like always, her very presence soothed the wound itself, and damned if he could he resist.

He stroked his thumb over her knuckles, using her solidity to keep him grounded. He didn’t have the words to tell her how grateful he was. “No. AJ. One of the guys I served with. He was only nineteen when he died. I have this image of his face, eyes frozen open in death. It was the last thing I saw before I passed out.”

She didn’t say anything for a moment, but a shiver ran through her, and he immediately regretted his harsh words.

“I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t tell you the gruesome stuff.”

She stroked his chest, the action so damn soothing he gritted his teeth with the effort it took not to turn and wrap himself around her. “If you need to talk, Trent, I don’t mind. I was actually thinking how awful it must be for you to have that image to remember him by. I’m guessing one of those tags you wear is his?”

So was the carved cross sitting in his bedroom closet.

“Yes.” Vulnerability and grief moved over him. He closed his eyes, AJ’s image floating into his mind. “He didn’t have family, no one to mourn him. Didn’t seem right. I wanted someone to remember him.”

If at all possible, Lauren’s hold on his chest tightened. “So you decided it should be you. That’s very kind, but you have to forgive yourself. You’re human. You can do both, you know. Remember AJ and forgive yourself.”

He released a shuddering breath laden with too much regret. “That’s just it. I don’t think I can. He died because I screwed up.”

“No. He died because the Taliban planted bombs intent on killing people.” She leaned her head around his shoulder and took his chin in her hand, tilting his face to hers as much as their position would allow. “It’s not your fault.”

Whatever reply he had died on his tongue as her warm breath whispered over his lips. Inches, at most, separated them, and every breath she released teased his mouth, setting a fire bursting over his skin.

His train of thought skidded to a halt, then did an about-face. In two seconds flat he was hardening behind his fly, his heart once again hammering out an erratic staccato. More than he ever remembered, he ached to lean in and taste her. He couldn’t forget kissing her. Couldn’t forget the taste of her tongue or the softness of her lips or the quiet little whimper she’d let out.

It didn’t help that her breaths were as jagged as his own. If he leaned in and kissed her now, would she let him?

She would and he knew it. I realize that kiss probably meant nothing to you, but it was something to me. She’d said that to him earlier. And he’d shot her down.

He sighed, the realization rolling over him. He owed her the truth. Not a mouthful of lies. “You were wrong, you know. When you said that kiss meant nothing to me. But right now I can’t be anything you deserve. What I want at this point in my life is simple. I want to date for the first time in almost twelve years. I want to go out and have some fun, just because I can, and for the guys who don’t have that luxury anymore. I want sex, doll, and a lot of it. But I have no desire to be tied down. Hell. I’m not even sure I’m capable of a relationship yet.”

“Trent, I—”

“Let me finish.” He swallowed hard and drew a breath for courage. If he didn’t get the words out now, he’d never say them. “Don’t think for one moment that I don’t find you incredibly arousing. For the record, that kiss was phenomenal, and you set my world off its axis the night you propositioned me. I’ve thought of little else since. But I won’t use you that way. I have far too much respect for you.”

Then he waited, heart hammering in his ears. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know what she thought.

Lauren moved first. She disentangled herself from him, lay back, and patted the bed beside her. “Come back to bed, Trent.”

The light drifting in from the bathroom illuminated the room in a soft glow, allowing him to see her enough that she teased his senses. Her lean body and lithe curves. The longing in her gaze. Logic told him he needed to put some distance between them before he ended up hurting her. But the dreams and her selfless compassion had worn down his defenses. He didn’t know what the hell happened now. He didn’t want to think about it. But she offered comfort when he was attempting to shut her out, and he wasn’t strong enough to resist her anymore.

So he crawled up the bed and slid over her, holding his weight on his elbows as he settled between her thighs. Her eyes widened in surprise, but her hands came to rest on his back and her knees bent to cradle his hips. Two layers of clothing separated them, but her soft, moist heat settled against the erection throbbing to life in his jeans. Trent ground his teeth, fighting the urge to rock into her, to slide his aching cock against her softness.