A Missing Heart(88)

“Ever isn’t the issue,” Cammy laughs. “The last time Aiden went to your parents’ house, he knocked over every picture frame on their coffee table and then spilled a vase full of water on their bed.”

“So, they raised me, and I’m guessing they assumed one of our kids would eventually follow my destructive path—it obviously had to be the youngest. It’s a thing, you know?” I say with a grin. “Besides, your parents haven’t experienced Aiden’s ways yet, so it’s a free chance to get away tonight. Plus, Gavin is usually pretty good, so he’ll balance it out.”

“Aiden’s terrible twos are no joke, AJ. Are you sure we should do this?”

“Cam,” I say, running my hands down the sides of her arms. “I promised to love you and sweep you off your feet whenever I have the chance to. It’s our anniversary and I’ve had this planned for more than two months now. I’m taking Aiden to daycare, and the other two to school. You have an appointment at the hair salon, then the spa, then the nail salon. When you’re done, come home and put on that sexy little black dress you’ve been saving for a special occasion. Then, meet me at the front door at six, sharp.”

I don’t waste moments. I don’t waste seconds. I treat the way I’m treated, and I love the way I’m loved. I’ve been given a second chance, and I will never take it for granted.

I’ve learned more about life in the past few years than I ever could have imagined, and this is my way to prove it.

“AJ, it’s not our anniversary,” she says, laughing as she presses her glass of orange juice up to her lips.

“It is,” I tell her.

“No, we got married in August, and it’s November. We celebrated three months ago, silly. You okay?”

“Today marks the beginning of our family’s anniversary, though,” I explain.

“You’ve lost me,” she says with question. I pull an envelope out of my back pocket, handing it to her. “What’s this?”

“Read it,” I say, reaching it out further to her.

She takes it and holds it still, looking at me like she’s scared to read whatever it is, so I take it back and slip the two papers out of the envelope.

Starting with the letter I received four months ago, one that I kept to myself for a particular reason, I read:



AJ,

I know this may come as a shock, hearing from me after all this time, but I’ve owed you more than an explanation for a very long time.

If our plans of no pasts ever worked out completely, our lives would have been unfulfilled, empty and a little meaningless. It was a life I was forced to live, but one I never should have let you live with me. I had no right bringing you into my life and burying your mind under the ground with mine. You stuck with me longer than I think anyone would ever stick with another person who acted the way I acted.

I may never be mentally capable of accepting people in my life after what my childhood caused, but you never should have paid the consequence for that.

Leaving you and Gavin has been the most difficult decision I’ve ever made, even if it appeared like it was a quick, easy solution for me. I’m not capable of loving or being a parent. While it was selfish to leave our son without a mother, it would have been more selfish to be his mother. I wouldn’t have been able to give him a normal or decent life. While I don’t expect you to ever fully understand why I did what I did, my decisions were out of love and hope that you will give Gavin the life he does deserve.

I left when I did for several reasons, one of them being Cameron stepping back into your life. When I walked past the pizza shop that day and I saw you laughing and talking with her, I realized I had not seen you smile like that in most of the time we had been married. Of course, I was upset and jealous in the moment, but I quickly came to realize that if there was someone out there that could make you smile like that, I was being even more self-centered by staying with you and keeping you from a happiness you deserved, especially one where you could have the possibility of a normal family.

I don’t know if you ended up with Cameron after all that happened, but believe it or not I have prayed that you did. I have wished that you and Gavin are happy.

I’m writing to you, not to rehash old, painful memories of our time together, but to ask if you’re in a situation with Cameron or someone new, and if so, would she possibly be interested in adopting Gavin, giving him the chance at having a real mother, since it can’t be me. It could possibly be the only good thing I can give my son, and it’s my wish to do so.

If you are in a place and with someone who would fill that role for our son, please write me back. Whether it’s now or down the road from now, I will give up my legal rights and grant adoption to whomever you are with. I trust you enough to make the best decisions for Gavin.

I am sorry for what I put you through, and I want you to know I am in a good place now, living in a convent, making peace with my life, as I should have done long ago. I have forgiven myself for my mother’s death and my sister’s. I am still working on forgiving myself for what I put you and Gavin through, but I feel this proposal will help me grant myself more forgiveness.

I hope you and Gavin are doing well and you’re living a blessed life.

Tori



I look up at Cammy, the shocked look on her face, the tears running down her cheeks, and the redness webbing across her face. “You got this letter four months ago?”