A Missing Heart(62)

Olive’s words unintentionally act as the final straw in my day, and I fall backwards, trying my hardest to keep my shit together, but suddenly, I have no control over keeping myself intact. I’m falling apart.

My breathing feels labored, yet weak at the same time. I hear Olive calling my name; although, my name sounds like she’s calling it from a mile away. Tears fill my eyes and spill out over my cheeks, blurring my vision…I’m f*cking lost. I didn’t want a kid for two reasons—one was the fear of losing him or her again, and the second was because of what I watched Hunter and Olive go through for the first few years of Olive’s life after Ellie died. I refused to ever put myself in a situation that could turn out like theirs; yet, it seems I did.

Here I am…one fear is invalid, the other true and real. Olive runs past me, struggling with Gavin in her arms, and it feels like only seconds before I feel hands on my shoulders. They pull me up and dump me on the couch, or I collapse into the couch—not sure which happened first.

“AJ,” Hunter says, forcing his face in front of mine, slapping my cheeks and shaking me. “Snap out of it, bro.”

I try to breathe harder, but it’s like I can’t. It feels as if I’m trying to breathe through a straw. I close my eyes and swallow hard, trying to calm myself down. What the hell is happening to me right now? I don’t do this shit. I don’t get worked up or upset like this.

“I’m sorry,” I say breathlessly.

“What the hell is going on, man? Charlotte, can you get AJ a glass of water?” Hunter yells.

Charlotte liked Tori when I first brought her home to meet the family, but that may have been because Charlotte had only been a part of Hunter’s life for a year. After they got married, the comments started to come out. Charlotte doesn’t sugarcoat things. She’s very forward and sometimes a little overbearing. I love her. She’s my sister-in-law, but the honesty has been too much sometimes. Though, if I had listened to more of her honesty, maybe I would have opened my eyes wider, a little sooner.

“What happened?” Charlotte asks, worried, as she enters the room with a glass of water.

“I don’t know,” Hunter says, taking the water from her hand. “Drink this.” He hands me the glass and sits down next to me on the couch.

“AJ,” Charlotte says. “Are you okay? Jesus, you’re in tears. The man who doesn’t cry. This must be bad.”

I’ve kept my issues with Tori to myself for the most part. Hunter has an idea, especially since he’s been the one to help me the most when I’ve needed it, but I kept the details from everyone. Mostly due to the fact that they might judge me, and I haven’t been ready to hear their judgments on my life.

“There’s so much; I don’t know where to start.” On top of everything else I’m feeling, there’s guilt too. Hunter and I have always been very open with each other, and I’m not sure how he’s going to take all of my truths right now. “I’ve been living a lie.”

“Girls, take Gavin into the living room and play with him,” Hunter tells them.

“But I want to know what’s wrong,” Olive says, sounding so much older than she is. That’s Olive—a little adult who has to be a part of everything or the world might end, at least that’s how she seems to see it.

“Now,” he says, pointing to the other end of the house.

Olive groans before she and Lana help Gavin back up and take him in the other room.

“Spill it,” Hunter says.

Charlotte stands up and pats Hunter on the shoulder. “Let me know if either of you need anything.”

“You can stay,” I tell her. “It’s best if I don’t have to say this twice, or make anyone else have to repeat it for that matter. I’m still going to have to tell Mom and Dad and that’s going to suck as it is.” Charlotte seems a bit surprised to hear I want her to stay and sits down on the sofa across from us.

I run my hands back and forth over my knees, feeling sick to my stomach about unleashing all of this shit on them.

I try again to take another deep breath, and there’s a little more space in my lungs now, so I take another deep breath, and I take one again and again, until I’m able to close my eyes with an attempt to focus on what I need to say.

“Maybe start with why Cammy showed up out of the blue,” Hunter says.

“That’s only part of it,” I tell him. “This is bad, Hunt. Real bad.”

“Did someone die?” he asks weakly.

“No.” I breathe in and out a couple more times before I finally open my eyes and look Hunter right in the face. “Cammy had a baby senior year.”

“Yeah, I know,” he laughs. “The whole town knew.” He says it casually, but then I see a shift in his expression.

“The baby was mine, Hunt.”

“Holy shit,” Charlotte pipes in. Thank you, Charlotte.

Hunter leans back into the couch and runs his fingers through his hair. “Wow.”

“I thought—didn’t she give the baby up for adoption or something?”

“Yeah, I was against it but I had no say. Her parents forced her to give the baby up.”

“Where is this conversation going, AJ?” The worry is starting to set in, and I don’t know what possibilities are going through his head in this moment, but I can tell his thoughts are bouncing off every corner of his mind.