A Missing Heart(58)

She shrugs her shoulders. “I have no idea what their problem was; although, if I had actually listened to them—”

“We’d be missing Everything,” I tell her.

She lifts her glass up, toasting the air, and chugs it down. “I love her so much,” she says. “It’s amazing how all of those feelings came rushing back to me instantly, like a magnetic connection.”

“Yeah,” I say, exhaling loudly. “I know a thing or two about those instant magnetic connections.” I meant it how I said it, and it’s not about Ever this time.

Cammy releases a small cough and places her hand over her cheek, knowing exactly what I meant. “AJ,” she sighs.

“Cammy,” I mimic her tone.

“You haven’t changed a bit,” she says quietly.

“Not a bit,” I confirm.

“Although, you don’t seem as funny as you used to be,” she says, straightening her posture, as if she needed a dagger to fight me off.

“I’ve been doing my best to find my sense of humor these past couple of years, but yeah.”

“I’m sorry you haven’t been happy.” She looks down into her glass and takes another sip.

“I’m sorry you haven’t been happy. All I wanted was for you to live the life you wanted.”

“I guess things have a way of happening for a reason,” she says.

“I think you’re right.”

My heart is pounding and my breaths feel short while my nerves are all awake and piercing through every inch of my skin. My body is aching and my mind is closing out the rational side of my conscience—forgetting all the reasons why I should have explained myself to Cammy tonight and then gone home. I place my glass down on the coffee table and hang my head between my shoulders, struggling with my nagging thoughts. Interrupting my internal battle, Cammy’s hand rests on my back. “You okay?”

“No,” I tell her, shaking my head.

“Did I say something wrong?”

I lift my head and, finding her face close to mine, I grab her by the shoulders and forcefully push her down onto the couch. Her eyes are wide, large, blazing at me with wonder, and—I think—hope. I swallow hard and crawl over her, resting one foot on the ground, and two hands on either side of her face. Her chest is moving up and down quickly, and I hear her swallow her nerves. I lean forward, bringing my lips less than an inch from hers. I can already taste the liquor on her breath, and her eyes tell me she’s accepting of whatever might happen before they gently flutter closed. Her lashes feather her flushed skin, and my chest begins to hurt. It might explode.

As difficult as it is, I find the willpower to stop before this goes any further. This is not the right time for anything like this to happen. “I need to do this right,” I tell her. Placing my hand on her cheek while stroking a small circle with the pad of my thumb, I press my lips to her forehead. “I need to figure out my marriage first, or the lack of marriage.”

Cammy looks embarrassed as she pulls herself up against the armrest of the couch. “I’m so sorry,” she says, breathlessly.

“No, do not be sorry. Do you understand?”

“You’re right, though. I don’t want to be the other woman,” she says, clutching at the neckline of her blouse.

I huff a quiet laugh. “The other woman?” I give her a half smile. “You could never be the other woman, which is why I need to figure my shit out.”

She nods hastily. “Yes, you do.”

“Am I awful for not being at the hospital with her tonight?” I ask her.

“I don’t know,” she says, offering a sympathetic grimace. “If she had gotten hurt accidentally, I might question your integrity, but she’s obviously dealing with something she can’t seem to explain. Maybe Tori doesn’t even know what it is that’s bothering her. It’s good she’s getting help.”

“I just feel guilty. She told me from the beginning she didn’t want kids. When Gavin came along and I talked her into becoming a family, I had no idea it would end up like this, but as she says, she did try to warn me.”

“AJ, if there’s one thing I know about you, one thing that I’m almost positive never could have changed, it’s your determination to always do the right thing. So if you’re not at the hospital tonight, I have to believe there’s a very good reason for that—whether it’s anger or exhaustion. I wouldn’t question you or your decisions. I think if she told you that she wanted you with her, you’d be there.”

While her words lessen my guilt, the person I am would usually have seen this through until there was nothing else to be done. I know Tori doesn’t want to be with me, and I’ve kept us together with all of my strength but maybe it’s time to start letting go.

Refocusing on the good, I look back at Cammy. “Are you really staying here? In our town?” I ask her, needing to know I’m not going to come looking for her and find out that she’s run back to D.C. again. I don’t know if I could handle that.

“I miss home, and I miss my best friend, so I’m not going anywhere, AJ…no matter how things in your life get figured out,” she answers, with a small smile.

I pull her into me, embracing her tightly, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair and skin. How the hell am I supposed to figure things out when I already feel like they’ve been figured out for me? I know what—who—I want.