A Missing Heart(52)
I suppose I can understand, but if she brought her sister to a church…how did she die? “Then what?” I press.
Tori looks up at me for a long minute, appearing to look back on that time, putting together pieces in her head. “She was crying on the front steps of the church for me. She was in her favorite pajamas with kittens on them, and her hair was a big mess. I tried to fix it the best I could, but she was fussing too much to make it easy.” Her eyes are open wide, staring through me as she continues. “She was reaching out for me as I crossed the street. I was planning to steal food from the local store, and I didn’t want her to be a part of that.”
She stops talking completely as the look in her eyes turns dark and lost. “Tori?”
“She ran after me. I told her not to. I watched her cross the street while a car was flying toward her. It was dark. The last thing I heard was her scream, but it was cut short by nothingness.” Hyperventilating sounds erupt from Tori’s throat. “I was supposed to take care of her, AJ. I was all she had left. Do you know what it looks like to see a child flattened to the ground after being run over by a car?”
“Tori, stop.” I can’t take it. I don’t think I can hear this.
“I ran to her. I fell down on top of her, squeezing what was intact—what was left of her, which wasn’t much. I can’t ever get that image out of my head, AJ. She was so beautiful, perfect, and the sweetest little girl, unlike me. It should have been me. I caused my mother to end her life, and then…I was dumb enough to get my little sister killed.” She stops talking, and I think I stop breathing. Her hands come out of nowhere and she shoves me down onto the bed, flinging herself forward, running to the bathroom where I hear her vomiting violently.
Shaking as hard as I have ever shaken in my life, I slowly get up from the bed and walk past the bathroom where Tori is still getting sick. Freaked out by the story I just heard, I run back downstairs for Gavin, who’s still playing with a toy in his high chair. I lift him out, holding him firmly between my arms, not knowing what to do at the moment. Screams start emanating from the bathroom, and I hear banging, followed by what I think sounds like bottles of pills hitting the sink. Jesus, we’re doing this again. I look at Gavin for a long second, wishing so badly he didn’t have to hear any of this. I hope to God his memory doesn’t ever go back this far. While I know I should get him out of the house, I’m afraid of what Tori will do to herself if I leave. “Buddy,” I whisper. “I’m going to go check on Mommy. I’ll be right back.” I force a smile so he knows I’m okay, because he looks terrified. He may not understand what’s actually going on, but he knows something isn’t right.
I run up to the top of the stairs where the bathroom is and see her quietly filling the bathtub. “Please leave,” she says. Her voice is completely even toned, but there are half a dozen bottles of pills lying in the sink.
“What are you doing, Tori?” I ask, keeping my voice even.
“AJ, if you love me like you say, you’ll leave the house right now. Take Gavin, and go.”
“I’m taking the pills,” I tell her.
She looks at me with narrowed eyes. “Fine. Get out!” She pushes me with all of her strength. The shock of her shoving me causes me to back up a step, stumbling into the hallway. She slams the bathroom door in my face and locks the door.
I bang my fist heavily against the wood, while hearing more crashes and bangs. I have no clue what the hell she could be doing.
I take the pills, leaving Tori in the bathroom upstairs, and grab Gavin before heading out. Once inside of the car, I call 9-1-1. For her sake, I tell them it’s urgent. I tell them it takes exactly seven minutes for our bathtub to fill up, and that once it does, we have no more than two additional minutes to prevent my wife from ending her life. That’s if she isn’t finding a way to electrocute herself. Sickeningly, I’ve had to consider each possible method of suicide during the past year. I felt like I had to be one step ahead of Tori at all times. She may have seemed okay and better since her last disturbance, but I haven’t let my guard down or trusted her since then. I was assured she was healthy enough to care for Gavin, even by her doctor who released her from rehab. Still, I’ve had eyes on our house when she’s home alone with Gavin. Our neighbors know of our situation, and they take turns stopping by while I’m gone, acting like nothing more than a friend to Tori.
I’m still sitting in the driveway contemplating what’s right and wrong and what the hell I should do, when Tori runs out of the front door toward the car, screaming and crying. She yanks at my car door and pounds on the window with her palms. “I regret everything,” she screams. Her face is wet with tears, and her eyes are bulging like I’ve never seen. Her hair is everywhere and partly matted to her face. If anyone looks outside or hears her, they will call the police too. Everyone on our street knows we have a small child, and this is not a safe situation for any kid. “I wish I could make it all better. I wish I didn’t cause my mother to do what she did, or leave my sister.”
Gavin hears the screaming and begins to whimper, probably from being scared. “It’s okay, buddy. Don’t worry.”
“I can’t do this anymore! I can’t live with myself. I was able to block it all out until Gavin was born, and then it was like all the lights went back on,” she continues. My chest is aching, partly from hearing the long-awaited truth she’s speaking, but even more for the lie she has been living. I can’t even imagine how she’s kept this secret, hiding the truth for so long.