A Missing Heart(45)

I clear my throat in order to swallow the anger re-rising in the pit of my stomach. “So, I knew about you, like I said. I wasn’t lying about the cupcake on your birthday. I actually already have one in my fridge at home waiting for me to light tonight. I pretty much dreamed of the day I’d get to see you again and ask you all of these lame questions, so you’ll have to excuse my attempt to get to know you, but it’s something I have to do because I’ve wanted to since the day you were born.”

“If you wanted to ask me these questions, why didn’t you ever try to find me?”

“I wasn’t allowed to, Ever. That’s how adoption works.”

“Why did you give me up?” She isn’t holding back, and I can’t say I blame her.

“I was only four years older than you are now when you were born. I had no money, no job, no way to raise you.”

“That’s what she said too,” Ever nods her head to the other room.

I grab the remote from the coffee table and power the TV on. I flip through a few stations until I come across one of those home-movie blooper shows and I settle back into the couch, matching her disposition while keeping my focus set on the TV, in order to give her the minute to breathe she must need.

The entire time she’s watching, I keep my focus on her through my peripheral vision. I won’t waste a second of this opportunity to take her all in. As hard as it is to comprehend, this little girl who I haven’t seen in thirteen years, who I know almost nothing about, is surely the missing piece of my heart because right this second, my heart feels full, it feels whole and more alive than it’s ever felt. Even if she wants nothing to do with me, even if she just wants to hate me, I will let her, as long as I can be a part of her life in some way. Maybe I’m the only one of us who feels a connection, but it’s there and it’s strong, and it’s the most amazing thing in the whole f*cking world to me.

A few minutes go by when my phone buzzes in my pocket, bringing me back to the fact that life exists outside of this hotel room. I look at the display, seeing Tori’s face show up, then I look at Ever for a brief second, who’s looking at me and probably wondering why I’m looking at her. This must be such a confusing situation for her. God, what a mess.

I stand up with the phone and tread to the other side of the room briefly.

“Hey,” I say quietly. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Tori says. “Is there any chance you could grab Gavin from daycare today?”

“Daycare?” I question, looking down at the date on my watch. “It’s Tuesday, though.” He only goes to daycare on Mondays and Fridays.

“Yeah, a few things came up today so I brought him in. They said it was fine,” she continues.

“Yeah, babe, but we can’t afford daycare for more than two days a week, remember?” I whisper the last part into the phone so neither Ever nor Cammy will hear me.

“Yeah but—why are you whispering?” she asks.

I look over at Ever, who is staring attentively at me. “I’m at a job site and the clients are here. Look, we can talk about this tonight, but yes, I’ll pick him up.”

“Thanks,” she says before hanging up.

I should have known today wouldn’t go smoothly with her. It’s not like there’s something in the air that happens on this particular day, but she seems to be a fan of repetition. I can always predict her moods by the times of the year, the days of the week, even the hours of the day. I’ve been left wondering if it could be considered bi-polar, but when I’ve mentioned it, it hasn’t gone well.

“Who was that? Your wife?” Ever asks. “Do you have another child?”

I sit back down next to her and chuckle through nerves. “Yes, that was my wife and yes, we have a child. His name is Gavin, and he’s one.”

“So, technically, I have a brother?” Her face illuminates with something I can’t consider to be a smile but something that doesn’t look like disappointment either. “I’ve always wanted a brother or a sister, but Mom and Dad said it was a lot of work just adopting me.” I’m your dad. Me. That right was never given to me.

“You know, I have a big brother and he’s a pain in the butt, but I’m glad I have him. Although, I never did get all of that attention to myself,” I explain to her.

“I’ve had all of that attention to myself for thirteen years, and I’m over it.” She takes the remote from the coffee table and starts flicking through the channels.

“So, you’re probably not enjoying all of this attention from Cameron and me right now?”

“Nope,” she says.

“What about Casper, the ghost? Does he pay any attention to you?”

Her head snaps to the right, looking at me with a “How dare you say something like that?” face, and I’ll be damned, the girl is smiling. There it is…she has my f*cking smile too. When she takes the moment to go through the motions of removing the smile from her face, she continues, “No, he doesn’t like me very much, and I’ve only been around for a week.”

“Well, I don’t like him either,” I mutter into her ear.

“You haven’t even met him, have you?”

“Don’t want to.”

“You still love her, don’t you?” Ever asks me.