A Million Miles Away(53)
If all of her fears came true, Peter would become another apparition alongside Michelle, another blur. Perhaps the two of them belonged in another world. They met first after all.
Why did she fall in love with a face on a screen, a figure leaving, forever getting smaller? Why wasn’t the flesh good enough? Why did she have to live on fumes?
A couple with a small child on the way to pick up their car called across the street to ask if she was all right. Kelsey didn’t answer because she didn’t know. She rested her elbows on her knees and tucked her face into the darkness.
Soon, the tears fell again, dripping from her eyes and rolling down her legs.
Michelle had no choice in the matter. She was dead and she could not speak for herself, and yet she was still alive everywhere Kelsey went. She had always hoped her sister was at peace, wherever she was, whatever that meant, but how could a soul be at rest when someone else was conjuring it constantly?
I can’t help it, she said, I miss you, but no one would ever respond, not really.
I never even got to say good-bye. Still nothing. Hope was an awful thing, she decided.
I miss you and that’s it. That’s why we’re in this mess.
No sign, no ghost, just the sound of her own heaving, the taste of her own snot.
That’s why I’m in this mess, she corrected. I’m alone in this.
For some reason, that thought was the only comfort she found. It meant that all her lies weren’t the external webs she imagined them to be. They all came from her, from her collapsed, tearstained body. And it meant she, alone, could fix them.
She had spent so long grasping for certain moments, trying to find the “right” time, when the ability to set things straight had been there from the beginning, from the moment she responded to Michelle’s name on Skype.
She just hadn’t had the strength to face the consequences.
She wasn’t lying when she had told Davis she had changed. She had. And if she could send the man she loved to war without crying in front of him, if she could name all the important artists of the past centuries, if she could leave the last three years on the steps of a fraternity, if she could write an A+ paper, well… She could write a letter. She could write what might possibly be the most important letter of her life.
Kelsey drove the half hour home and pulled into her driveway. She ran up the steps to her room, and pulled out the engraved stationery from her drawer—her own stationery, with her own initials.
Once the pen hovered over the paper, she didn’t know where to begin.
Dear Peter, it read.
Write how you speak, she could hear her sister say.
But Kelsey didn’t write. It was Michelle who had sent letters to Peter. Peter was lied to through the words Kelsey had crossed out and looked up and stolen from her sister’s life. And even when she had acted as herself, he had filtered everything about her through the wrong beginning, the wrong memories, the wrong name.
She would tell him face-to-face, as she had wanted to in Paris, or as close to it as she could get.
She opened her laptop, activated the camera, and waited for the screen to load. A tiny green bulb lit at the top of the monitor. Her own image surprised her.
Normally, when Kelsey Skyped with Peter, she was confined to a small square in the lower right-hand corner of the screen. Now, she faced herself in full, glassy-eyed and paler than she’d ever been, hair unwashed and wavy. She was ready. She pulled the strands back into a neat bun, and pressed RECORD.
“Hi,” she started, and something about the way she could see herself as she really was, as Peter had seen her and believed in her, stalled her words. Not this time. She shook her head. “I’m not going to make this pretty so you’ll have to deal with a lot of stops and… whatever.”
She focused on her lips, the tiny pixels that made them, finally forming the words.
“Michelle is dead.”
She began with the day of the party, the day she met him. The next day, saying good-bye to them from the top of the stairs. The hours passing. The policeman showing up at her house, dissolving life as she knew it into a giant flood, which she had been drowning in ever since.
“I was weak. But that’s no excuse. Or maybe it is an excuse. I don’t know. I’m all mixed up. I can’t get my life in any kind of order. Then there was you.”
When it was finished, she loaded the file onto a flash drive, dropped it into an envelope, and sealed it. She remembered Peter had told her that the wives and children of his friends often sent CDs or flash drives with photos, so they could load them and look at them, even if there was no Internet. She wrote out the address of his base, though she knew he was being moved to an unknown location. It would find him eventually.
“Maybe I am a monster,” she had told him. “But I still love you. Remember? Permanently. And I’m so, so sorry. Take how sorry you think I am and multiply it by a million. I promise I will never lie to you again. And trust me, I know what it’s like to do things every day, like talk to someone and love someone, and then never do it again, all of a sudden. For things never to be the same. So do you. But if you forgive me, I’ll keep my promise forever, no matter if you love me or if you never talk to me again. I love you permanently either way. I know how to do that now.”
Dawn was rising over Lawrence in pinks and oranges and blues as she placed the envelope in the Maxfields’ mailbox.