A Lover's Lament(50)

Maybe you should think about a vacation … say, to Maui, when I come home on leave? I mean, I’m cool with the Bahamas too (that wasn’t subtle at all, was it?). So you just mull it over, and we’ll come back to it later. How about that?



My fingers pause as I decide which part of her letter to address next. I don’t want to talk about the f*cking military right now any more than I have to. Living it day in and day out is enough. And I sure as hell don’t want to talk about my mom. What I really want to talk about is Katie. With a smile on my face, I decide to answer her last question.



So you want to know something about me that you don’t already know … hmmm … you realize that’s going to be hard, right? Okay, got one! Before my first deployment, I bought an acoustic guitar to bring with me because Jax played. He was crazy good and I begged him to teach me. He finally relented and we used to practice together every chance we got. Well, you spend a year playing with a guitarist as amazing as Jax, and you get pretty damn good yourself. Grace—that’s the name I gave my Fender—is with me on this deployment as well.

So what about you? Tell me something I don’t know. And while we’re at it—getting to know each other again and all—how about you tell me your biggest fear in life. I don’t recall that we ever talked about that.

Okay, it’s late as hell here and I have an early mission tomorrow. I hope you have a great day and I can’t wait to hear back from you.

Always,

Dev



Tired as all f*ck, I shut down the computer, push away from the table, and make my way toward the porta-shitters to take one final piss before passing out. As I get closer, I hear muffled cries coming from inside one of them. I tiptoe until I’m just outside the door, where I hear a loud snort accompanied by more stifled weeping. I lightly tap on the door and the crying immediately stops.

“I’ll be out in a minute.” I recognize Thomas’s voice as it bounces against the plastic walls.

“Thomas, it’s Clay. You alright, man?”

“Yeah. I, uh … I just need a minute.”

“I got ya.” I take a leak in the shitter next to his and then walk around the corner to wait for him to exit. When the door squeaks open, I see Thomas slink out, his eyes fixed on the ground. “Hey,” I call out without moving, “come have a smoke with me.”

He doesn’t face me and continues in the opposite direction. “I’m good, Sarge,” he says, waving me off.

Taking a step toward him, I reach out with a cigarette and lighter. “That wasn’t a request, Thomas. Get your f*cking ass over here.”

Thomas stops and slowly faces me. Without making eye contact, he takes the cigarette and lighter from my hand. He flicks the Zippo twice before it sparks to life, and then he lights the cancer stick and tosses my lighter back to me.

“You need to talk to me because I know this shit is eating away at you.” I take a drag. Thomas doesn’t look at me or touch his own cigarette, but I don’t miss the quiver in his chin or the tick in his jaw. He’s fighting to hold something back, and I need to get him to open up.

“I’m good, Sarge,” he says through gritted teeth. I can tell by the way he’s shifting on his feet that he wants nothing more than to get the hell away from me.

“Was it the car bomb? The girl?” Nostrils flared, he sucks in a sharp breath. I’m pushing him, I know it, but this is what he needs. “Was it the body? All of it?” I ask.

“I said I’m good, Sarge!” His eyes snap to mine, hard and unyielding, completely inconsistent with the tears that are pushing against the confines of his lashes. He’s like a child trying desperately to be a man, and I want to take him in my arms just like I would a child. But that’s not what we do here …

“Thomas, we will stand here all f*cking night if that’s what it takes to get you to talk. I’ll have you know I was in a three-day firefight with no sleep while you were still a f*cking senior in high school, so you don’t wanna have that contest with me. Now, tell me what’s on your mind.”

He rubs at the tears with his palms, but whatever is going through his head must be too much—too powerful. I watch as his chest heaves several times. When he finally looks up, his glassy eyes find the sky, and for a moment I see peace. Only for a moment. And then he looks to me and shakes his head.

“It’s not the body. I could give two f*cks about that motherf*cker. I back the team in this shit one hundred percent, just like we agreed before we got here.”

“So, what is it?” I ask, already knowing the answer. Like most of us here, it’s not any one thing, just a big pile of bullshit.

“The girl. The IPs. Fucking everything, man. I thought I wanted this, I really did. But if we lose one more f*cking guy—” Thomas cuts himself off, tears welling in his eyes once again. I can tell he wants to let it all out, but he can’t in front of me. He won’t. It’s the infantry way … and sometimes I hate it. “I don’t know how I’m gonna hang.” His voice quivers with each word as if he wishes for anything but for them to escape. He drops his head, embarrassed.

“You’re gonna f*cking hang, Thomas. You know why?” I don’t give him time to respond. “Because of the other one hundred and fifty hard dick motherf*ckers in those tents.” I jab a finger in the direction where they’re all sleeping. “You will keep fighting, because they would keep fighting for you. You think I don’t feel what you feel? I do, man. Every. Fucking. Day.” Stepping forward, I wrap my hand around the nape of his neck and pull his face closer to mine. “I need you to fight for me. I need you to fight for them. I need you to make sure these guys get home. This is what we signed up for, and I’ll be God-f*cking-damned if I’m gonna let you quit on me now. You’re a f*cking warrior, you hear me?” His eyes have strayed from mine, back to the ground, so I tighten my grip on his neck. “Look at me!”