A Lover's Lament(49)

Okay, enough with all the heavy stuff … tell me something about you that I don’t already know, something that’s happened in your life since we’ve been apart.

I’ll talk to you soon … EMAIL IS GREAT!!

Sincerely,

Katie



With a smile on my face, I hit send, then shut my computer down, place it on my nightstand and curl into bed. My eyes drift closed as my mind pulls forward visions of Devin as a young man. Just before I doze off, I start to wonder what he looks like as an adult. Are his green eyes as piercing as they once were? Does the dimple in his left cheek still stand out every time he smiles?

If I saw him now, would my body have the same reaction to him that it once did?





“Existentialism on Prom Night” – Straylight Run

ANOTHER DAY HAS PASSED AND I still can’t get Katie out of my head. Visions of her dance in my head the moment my body hits the cot. She claims my dreams and then consumes every bit of my mind every second I’m awake. And not only has she infiltrated my brain, she’s reclaimed the empty spot in the center of my chest too.

If I had a hard time sleeping before Katie came back into my life, then I’m a complete insomniac now. As of late, I’ve been finding myself at the communications center on nights like these—nights even a thousand sheep couldn’t cure. Katie’s emails have provided a link to my past life, to memories of childhood mischief and young love. Fuck, I miss those days … so much simpler.

As my fingers settle against the keyboard, I think about the improbability of it all. Never in a million years did I want to join a f*cking pen pal program, and I have absolutely no explanation for why I did. And for Katie to find me amongst the thousands of other names … I’m just one lucky son of a bitch.

But I can’t help wonder whether luck played a hand in this at all, or if it was something more … something bigger than all of us. I never once believed in a God—not with the upbringing I endured. But when you see the delicacy of life and how quickly it can be snatched right up, you start to yearn for a higher power. You begin to feel His presence and see it in ways you can’t begin to understand: a dud mortar round landing undetonated just before you, a sniper’s bullet that pierces your body armor and travels its way around your back but leaves you unscathed, a piece of shrapnel lodged in the side of your helmet that could have been in your brain. A second chance at love …

Not many people find what Katie and I once had, and even fewer get another shot at it. I know she isn’t thinking in terms of rekindling what we had before, but if she thinks that “restarting our friendship” is enough for me, she couldn’t be more wrong. Of course I want to be friends again, but I want it all. I want her back. Baby steps, I remind myself.



To: Katie Devora

From: Sergeant Devin U. Clay

Subject: Nice subject line!

Katie,

Talk about coming right out of the gate … then again, I wouldn’t expect anything less from you. So to answer your question—no, I’m not married. There is no wife, girlfriend or family at home, so you can rest easy tonight. And I’m not gonna lie, I really like knowing that you’re becoming emotionally invested, because I’m already there. Your letters have the same effect on me, and this connection … it’s not just nostalgia. It’s real, and in case I haven’t already made it clear, I feel it too.

You mentioned that this—the prospect of us—scares the shit out of you because I have the power to hurt you. Don’t let it scare you, Katie. I know that’s easy for me to say since I’m the one who walked away, but I didn’t just rip your heart out that night—mine was shredded as well. And knowing that I hurt you is something that I’ll have to live with every day for the rest of my life. So trust me when I say that I won’t hurt you—not now, not ever. Never again will I walk away from this or from you. My word means shit right now, as it should, but I’ll prove it to you. Just give me the chance.

Now, since you managed to completely avoid my not-so-subtle way of asking you what I don’t really want to know but I need to … are you seeing anyone? Married? Boyfriend? Little ones? This works both ways, you know ;).

Okay, enough with the … what did you call it, awkward stuff? Hahahaha yesssss! A nurse! How good am I, huh? I can’t even imagine what kind of challenges that sort of profession presents, but it sounds like you have an amazing job. Every day you get to see the instant bond between child and parent, and that must be pretty incredible.

I am so damn proud of you, Katie. And I think it’s okay that you used work as an escape for a while because that’s who you are. You’ve always been one to bury yourself in some form of work when you get stressed out or pissed off. Hell, I can still remember you getting in fights with your mom or Bailey, and what’s the first thing you’d do? Stomp your tight little ass—yes, I was always looking, and no, I’m not sorry—straight out to the barn and start mucking stalls. You’d crank up that song I hated … what the hell was it? Oh yeah! That “Bye Bye Bye” song by the Backstreet Boys, right? I knew as soon as that song came on that it was my cue to leave. And from the sounds of it, you haven’t changed all that much. But I have to ask … do you still listen to that song? No, really, I want to know!

Now, if my memory serves me correctly, you’d always walk away from the barn refreshed and ready to face your mom or Bailey head-on … hopefully that hasn’t changed. And speaking of your mom, I’m so glad you’re not listening to her about getting rid of the horses, especially knowing how special they were to your dad. You should never be sorry for wanting to hold on to that. But I do think it was a good idea to get some help on the farm, and it sounds like you could use a little time to yourself.