A Kingpin Love Affair: The Complete series(49)

Upon his arrival, he had emergency surgery. They needed to reduce the swelling around his brain before putting him in what they called a medically induced coma. So I understood what Alzerro was saying and what the doctors had said, but it didn’t change how I felt. It didn’t change the pain that was radiating out of me.

The first three days of my stay here, I wasn’t allowed to leave my room. I had suffered severe anal tearing and they wanted me bedridden. The whole time I kept asking for Jared, pleading with Alzerro to give me something. On the fourth day, he finally gave in and walked me down to Jared’s room.

Flowers, balloons, and greeting cards decorated every available surface in his room as his family surrounded him. How they had all managed to get in this room without the nurses having a fit was beyond me. Whenever Bree, Tegan, or Zerro would visit me, they wouldn’t let more than two of them in at a time.

“What is sitting here, being silent and unwilling to talk going to do?” he asked, once again pulling me from my thoughts as he questioned further. As if I would open up to him with how he was talking to me. I knew the only person I wanted to talk to was unable to do so. Until he was awake, I wouldn’t say anything about what happened. He was my resolve, my reason to keep on. I couldn’t blame myself for the things I had done.

“When he wakes up, I will talk about what happened.” My answer was straight to the point, cold and callous. When would I be able to turn my emotions back on?

Never. You’ll always blame yourself. If he dies, it’s your fault.

“Why hold in the hate? The pain?” Alzerro tilted his head at me in wonder. Why was I holding onto the pain, the hate? Because holding on to it gave me something to hold on to. In a way, it grounded me.

“I can see the guilt in your eyes!” Alzerro’s voice grew dark. “I can see it. I can see the blame written all over your face.” He took a step toward me that forced me to go into my shell, to shut down.

“When you look at him, you see the mistakes you have made. You feel at fault when there was nothing that you could’ve done.”

He’s lying. It is your fault. If you never loved him, then he wouldn’t be dying. If you didn’t love him, maybe he would be here right now.

“Admit it!” he yelled as he clenched his fists beside him.

“There is nothing to admit,” I said coldly, my eyes on the floor. I didn’t want to explain my emotions. I didn’t want to admit the pain I was actually feeling. If I talked about it, then it was real, and I didn’t want it to be real.

Alzerro shook his head. “You’re a liar, and if you would just open up, and let someone in. I just want to help you.”

Help? I wanted to laugh at the very sound of that word. Just over a week ago, I had been stronger than I ever had been. I had overcome so many obstacles, I had learned life was only worth living if there was meaning behind it. However, when you’ve been violated… when you’ve killed someone, when you’ve felt the life leave someone’s body at your hands, it changes you. It makes you different.

“We know you killed him.” The words slipped from his mouth like a secret that should’ve never been spoken. Those words caught my attention, causing me to look up at him through the strands of my hair as tears threatened to fall from my eyes.

Death.

I had caused death. I had killed, and I didn’t even feel bad for doing it. If I looked in the mirror right now, I wouldn’t recognize myself, yet everything Alzerro was saying was true.

“I did kill him. I don’t regret it either.” My face was void of any and all emotions.

“Then talk about it. Let it out.” I looked into his eyes and knew he understood the emotions that plagued me. He understood how I was feeling, but still, something was holding me back from moving on. Something was holding me back from letting the gates open.

“I can’t,” I muttered, sinking back inside myself.

He will never get this part of you.

“There is more. Isn’t there? That’s why you can’t open up? Fuck!” His anger filled the room, pushing the sadness to the back. He looked at me in a conflicted nature, and I wasn’t sure why.

“When I….” He crossed the room pulling out the chair next to me so he could sit. His eyes darkened as he traveled back in time. “Ummm… it was normal for me in the world I was brought up in to witness men bring women back with them to their rooms. These women didn’t care if they were passed around or shared. They wanted to have a good time. Most thought they could eventually become a wife and have the power of the mafia behind them no matter what because they needed protection, security.” His voice seemed so off in the distance. “I never knew what went on behind their closed doors until I found one of the girls. She was sitting in a corner crying. she had been raped and beaten. It hadn’t changed my ways, I was still pretty ruthless, but it had made me look at women differently. Even if I didn’t want to admit it.”

Sweat formed on the palms of my hands. I was bursting at the seams to tell someone, to let the pain out—but I couldn’t. It felt wrong in so many ways.

“If he hurt you or if he touched you...” He struggled through his sentence. “If he did anything to you, please, please tell me. The doctors can’t because of patient confidentiality, but you can.” I could see the begging in his eyes, the pain he felt as he relived that moment. I blinked my eyes closed remembering the moment Jared had been shot. The misery, the agony that crossed his face. He looked as if he thought he was going to lose me.