Zodiac (Zodiac, #1)(90)

Other than Nishi, I’ve never cared for anything or anyone that wasn’t Cancrian before. Hysan is wrong for me in so many ways—the Taboo, the innate differences between us, the timing. And, of course, Mathias. But that’s how I know this is right. Because it isn’t something I should or need to do—for the first time since becoming Guardian, I’m doing something I want.

Fingers shaking, I clumsily undo the knot around my robe, until the white belt falls limp on either side. The robe’s curtains sway a little, leaving the slightest sliver of space between them.

Hysan plants his hands on my hips, but he doesn’t remove my robe. Instead, he leans in until my eyes naturally close, and I feel his lips brush mine. “I’ll do anything you want,” he whispers, his voice husky. “You set the rules.”

My heart’s beating too quickly to speak again.

What a strange way to discover I’m still alive.

I dated a little at the Academy—but I’ve never been kissed like this before. When Hysan’s mouth meets mine, it’s like he’s discovered a new flavor, something foreign and delicate, and he’s savoring the taste. His lips are gentle and curious, yet experienced, and the more carefully he kisses me, the stronger my desire for him builds.

I shiver when his hands slip beneath the robe and trace my hipbones. His fingers feel light and velvety on my skin, and I gasp as they travel up my sides, curving in with my waist and grazing the sides of my breasts. When he reaches my shoulders, his hands slide down along my arms, shedding off the white robe entirely.

It falls to a soft heap on the floor, leaving me naked, save for the necklace Sirna gave me. I’ve never stood like this in front of a boy before. I feel every cell in me constricting with shame and fear, my face burning what must be a brilliant crabshell red, and I get the urge to cover myself back up—

“You’re so beautiful, Rho,” whispers Hysan, touching the pearl on my necklace, cutting off my thoughts. I forget to be self-conscious when I see the openness in his face. He’s vulnerable, too.

“I’ve never met anyone like you,” he murmurs into my neck, “and I’m crazy about you.”

A shot of something new spikes my blood. In this moment, I don’t feel like a girl or a Guardian or a teenager or an Acolyte or like any person I’ve been before.

For the first time, I feel like a woman.

I never even knew there was a difference.

Hysan takes off his gray coveralls, removes a wrapper from a pocket, and then eases me onto the bed. The sight of protection suddenly makes what’s happening real.

As I lie back, his hands come down on either side of me, and his arm muscles bulge as his body presses down. I couldn’t be more aware that the only clothes between us are his boxers.

“Hysan . . .”

He looks at me, his messy hair falling over his golden face and soft eyes. “Rho, we can stop if you’d like—”

“I don’t want to stop,” I say, pulling him closer. “I just wanted you to know,” I breathe into his ear, “I like you, too.”

His cheek curves against mine. Then our mouths crash together again, and for a night, he makes me forget the burning hole in my chest.





33


WHEN I WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING, I immediately feel different. For starters, I’ve never slept naked before.

I’ve also never woken up expecting to see a guy in my bed. But when I look over to Hysan’s side, I’m alone.

I stay under the covers as the air grows brighter, my emotions a jumbled mass of confusion. I don’t know how to feel. Dad is a wound that will never heal, and the devastation of his death weighs on me like a cloak that will stay fastened forever.

And yet when I think of Hysan, my body feels sensitive and light, producing echoes of new sensations he introduced me to last night. My curves feel new to me today. Experiencing my body through Hysan’s hands and lips gave new meaning to every part, and I feel more connected to myself than ever before.

Maybe I should regret last night, but I don’t. My old self wouldn’t have done this, but that girl is gone. So is that life, the one where I consulted an Ephemeris daily, the one where the stars and I shared our secrets.

Ochus has cut me off from that life. From my future. My family. And last night, Hysan gave me a good memory, one that’s all mine, one I can take with me when I meet my fate. When I set off to find Ochus.

For now, I can’t think beyond that. So I change into the unused sleeping outfit Hysan brought me and pad into the living room.

“Morning,” says Mathias.

As soon as I see him, needles of guilt stab my insides.

“Did you sleep well?”

His scrutiny makes me turn to hide my face. “I did, thanks. Any news?”

“I saved you some breakfast,” he says, still watching me. Does he suspect anything, or is he just being Mathias?

He’s cleaning his silver Taser, and he looks like he hasn’t slept yet. There’s a small nick in the cleft of his chin from shaving.

“Where’s Hysan?”

Mathias pours me a cup of tea, and I feel like a traitor. “Just picking out which dress to wear. He’s going to visit his android this morning.”

“I’m going, too.”

“That’s not a good idea.”