Wolves' Bane (The Order of the Wolf, #3)(61)

I knew without looking that Candy had returned. The men had given up on me days ago.

“Hey, Morgan, I brought you up some of Ken’s fabulous chili. You’ve got to try it. He even baked homemade buns.”

I groaned and tightened the blanket over my head, not wanting to be rude, but also not wanting to have company. Hearing Candy slide the tray on my night table had me hoping that the girl would notice my cocooning, take the hint and leave.

Moments later, as the weight of another body bounced on the bed, I knew that I wouldn’t have such luck.

“Are you ever going to get out of bed?”

I sighed. I felt totally defeated. Cal had been gone so long that I’d almost grown used to the stabbing throb of his separation, the sudden jolts of physical pain that made me ache for him. Roll that in with my emotional turmoil and I was a blubbering mess most of the day.

Candy tugged at the blanket, pulling it away from my head. “Seriously, Morgan, you stink. You should at least have a shower,” she teased. “Come on, honey. The guys are all running around downstairs like it’s the plague up here. You go talk to her. No, you go talk to her. I’m not going up there, she’s crying. I don’t know what to do with a woman who’s crying.” Candy chuckled. “It’s pathetic. We need more women around this place.”

I stifled the urge to giggle. This was no time to laugh. I was depressed, damn it. But Candy caught my attempt to hide a smile and tugged the sheet even farther. I flopped over onto my back then pushed myself up to lean against the headboard. For that, I earned a giant grin from the teen.

“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” She motioned to the food. “You should eat tonight. I’m serious about Ken’s chili. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever tasted.”

I wiped my hand over my face and briefly closed my eyes. With Cal gone, my world seemed to spin out of control. I couldn’t tell for sure if he had broken the bond, but assumed that he hadn’t since I still felt such tremendous pain. Not yet anyway. Shit, what’s he waiting for? My only hope at this point was that breaking the bond would numb the ache somewhat, take the edge off at least.

I sighed as I ran my hands through my lank, greasy hair. Candy was right. I needed a shower in the worst possible way. “Has anyone gotten a hold of him yet?”

Candy’s smile faded and she diverted her gaze to the floor. “Who, Cal?” She shook her head. “No. Andrew’s been leaving messages, but his phone’s off.”

My stomach clenched and the smell of Ken’s spectacular chili was enough to bring on a wave of nausea. “Has he done anything like this before?”

Candy shook her head again. “No, Cal’s pretty dependable.”

I nodded as fresh tears budded in my eyes. “I don’t think he’s broken the bond yet. I can still feel him and it hurts.” A stream of tears rolled down my cheeks. I’d gotten over being embarrassed about crying in front of everyone, but especially Candy. The teen had put in more girl time and shoulder support than any of my friends ever did back home. Candy reached out and snagged my hand, tugging me away from the headboard so that she could hug me.

“I know it hurts, Morgan,” she cooed gently.

“I’m sorry,” I said as I pulled away and snatched a tissue from the box, wiping my nose and eyes. “I’m such a total disgusting mess. I can’t control it. I wish I’d never bonded with him. This sucks. What a great Huntress I’ve turned out to be.”

Candy’s eyes were mournful. “Morgan, you’re being too hard on yourself.” She moved down the bed to let me slide to the edge. “Even though Jer and I aren’t bonded yet, I know what it feels like to be away from him. It does suck and I know it will suck more if he ever leaves me after we’re bonded. That’s the point. It’s not natural to do what Cal’s doing to you. I can’t imagine why he is doing this in the first place, and whenever I ask the guys, they say he has his reasons. It’s bullshit if you ask me.” She stood from the bed and held her hand out to me. “You have every right to lose your shit, Morgan, and if you get angry at him it might make you feel better.”

She was right, of course. I should be angry instead of sad. I should turn my sorrow into something stronger, something motivating. But I couldn’t, not while my heart was shredding. I didn’t have the energy or the desire to do anything but wallow. This situation, the effect of our separation on the bond, was pushing me into the deepest depths of a depression I’d thought I’d overcome.

What Cal was doing was making me weak and I was beginning to think that breaking the bond might actually be to my detriment in other ways too. Without the bond, would I be strong enough to fight Lazarus’s thrall? I didn’t know, but it seemed like a logical theory that without Cal’s bond I’d be more susceptible to Lazarus’s charm. Cal thought he was doing his duty to the Order and he believed he was breaking the bond to free me, to help me, to make me happy. I’d said some things to him that I didn’t mean. A lot of things out of anger. I didn’t want Lance, I wanted Cal. I wanted him more than anything, and my foolish game had ended up costing me that which I coveted the most—a possible future with Cal.

I’d been thinking a lot in my solitude and I realized that even though he was being stubborn and idiotic by pushing me away, he was doing it because he was afraid. What I knew for certain was that he was scared of falling in love with me. I just didn’t totally understand why. Although the man had acted like a total ass, I wasn’t prepared to have him gone from my life forever, not without knowing what the bond really meant. But I’d pushed too hard, I’d dared him to do something drastic. And he had. And I could do nothing to stop it. I didn’t know where he was or how to contact him, so there was no way for me to tell him that I was sorry for some of the things I had said.