Soul of Flame (Imdalind Series #4)(31)

I stepped away farther, my arms coming up to wrap around my torso, my fists tangling around the fabric of my shirt in an attempt to keep them there. I clung to my shirt as I looked into him, the hair that had come loose from the braid fanning around my face in the wind that was now little more than a gentle breeze.

“You told Ryland he could have me, but all he does is hurt me.”

“He cannot help it—the same way you cannot harness your desire to kill him. Edmund has seen to that. He has no more control of his emotions than you do at this very moment.”

I could hear the truth in Ilyan’s words, my own memories mixing with them until the anger that had stopped my heart lessened, leaving only a dull pain that crippled me. I couldn’t help it—the tears came freely through the anger. I could feel the heat of them behind my eyes, the cold, wet trails against my nose.

I ignored them, my voice rising in desperation.

“He was in perfect control of his thoughts when he tried to cut me apart and when he punched me. That wasn’t in Cail’s mind, Ilyan!” I stepped closer, my voice rising as it broke and bled with my heartbreak.

“Joclyn, I need you to understand me,” Ilyan said, his voice straining as he rushed me, his hands moving to clench around my biceps. I tried to step away, but he held me tightly, keeping me in place as his magic surged between our skin, his desperate need to calm me hot against my body. “It was not really Ryland inside of Cail’s mind.”

“Then who was it?” I asked, demanding the answer that I knew Ilyan wouldn’t give me. “Because the Ryland you seem to trust just attacked me, the same as before.”

Ilyan stared into me before he moved away from me, his hands dropping from my arms as he dragged his hand over his short hair in frustration. His steps took him away from me before he rushed back, the intensity of his eyes catching me off guard and causing me to flinch.

“You must listen to me, Joclyn,” Ilyan demanded, in a tone he rarely used on me. “He can’t control it, mi lasko. His heart and soul have been diced apart. His very essence has been separated in your name, in love, and by others who try to work against you. They have torn him apart, and he doesn’t know what is right anymore. His father rent his soul in two in order to torture you, and before that, Ryland cut out a piece of his own heart in the hopes to protect you.”

I listened to Ilyan’s words, the familiarity of them scaring me. Ryland had said the same things in the nightmares. Cail had taunted me with them for months while he had tried to erase my mind. Hearing them repeated through Ilyan ran through me like cement, cold and unmoving. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to believe it.

“What are you saying?” I asked, my voice softer than I expected.

“The necklace he gave you, the one you wore for months, the one that bound you to him. The necklace that bridged you to him and opened up your T?uha. It isn’t a ruby. It is a diamond with a shard of his heart. It is possibly the only untarnished piece that is left of him.”

I heard him, I understood him, but I couldn’t process it. Everything was ice and pain and cold and hard within me. Something like that, it couldn’t be true. It couldn’t. It was just another lie.

“You’re lying!”

“I would never lie to you, my love. Never. I only ask that you understand why he is broken, why he sees you as an enemy.” Ilyan came right up to me, his hand soft as he pushed the hair out of my face, the scarred palm warm against my skin before it made contact with my mark, making my body jump. I should have found joy in the jolt of the connection—the way he seemed to—but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let my heart feel the joy it wanted so desperately, no matter how much it begged for it.

“Are you on his side? Is that why you told him you didn’t want me?” I snapped, shoving his hands away from me as I foolishly stood my ground. When the action heightened as my magic surged, he skidded across the floor away from me, his back hitting the wall with a giant jolt.

Ilyan squared his jaw and looked up at me, the anger and surprise flexing through his muscles. I clenched my teeth and returned the gaze, my body radiating with my outrage.

“To se nehodí, Joclyn. Nevím, kolikrát jsem ti ?ekl, co je v mém srdci a ty si mi nevě?ila!” He screamed at me, and I jumped, the anger in his voice catching me off guard.

I knew I should have stood down. I could feel the waves of his magic surge through the air, his fury bubbling through them as they heated the air in warning.

“If you don’t want me then just leave. Me. Alone!” I screamed at him, my voice cracking as I forced out the sound. I balled my fists against my pant legs as I screamed, my body leaning toward him with each heightened word.

“Do not speak to me in such a way, Joclyn!” Ilyan yelled, the deep strain of his royal blood taking over his voice as he walked toward me. He talked to me like I was nothing more than a servant or one of the subjects he had ruled over for years. The words cut through me, my mind screaming at me again to stand down—to apologize—but I couldn’t make myself do it. He had never spoken to me that way before.

“Why? Because you are the king?King of no one—they are all dead. You are just a guy on a power trip!” The words came out of my mouth like vomit. My brain and heart disconnected from them as my shattered heart fueled them. I didn’t know why I said them or where they had come from, but I couldn’t stop them. The words were out as my anger grew, Ilyan’s magic retreating from me as I pushed him away one last time.