Soul of Flame (Imdalind Series #4)(2)

He groaned at the sensation, his fingers clawing at my shirt as I felt the conflict rise up in him, and he pulled away, his magic withdrawing from me. Everything swirled in a dizzying heat as his magic left me, the world spinning while I fought the need to call out for him and his magic. He held me against him, his breath panting over the long strands of my black hair as he fought the same desire.

“Stop, my love. I can’t bond myself to you, not yet,” he gasped as he pressed his cheek against mine, his winded words soft in my ear.

Is that what was about to happen? I was certain it was. Without a doubt, I knew.

I had felt the same wild need and desperate possessiveness when Ryland had bonded himself to me before, though nothing on this level. Before, it was something that I had thought was real. Feeling this now, however… feeling Ilyan’s magic flow through me while his arms cradled me, his lips held me, and his magic protected me—feeling his passion, his commitment, his selfless love—I knew how wrong I had been. This was home. This was love.

This was real.

“I want this,” I sighed into him; my voice was soft, each word formed perfectly. My fingers trailed over the small hairs on the back of his neck, causing him to tremble underneath me. I couldn’t help smiling at his reaction.

“Joclyn,” he moaned, and I could hear his deep regret as he tried to convince himself he was doing the right thing even though his desire to lose himself in me almost won over.

Ilyan kept his hold on me as he moved away just enough to look at me, his face so close I would only have to lean forward to connect with him again. My breath faltered at the thought, the energy of my magic picking up. Ilyan smiled, obviously sensing the activity for himself, his eyes dancing in joy.

“I want this,” he whispered, soft and intimate. His eyes dug into mine as his hand moved away from my back to caress the side of my face. The scarred skin of his palm was strangely soft and comforting. “I want to bond myself to you and be with you for as long as we walk the earth, but this is your choice to make, and I will never take that away. I want to know you are making this choice for you. Not in fear or anger. Not when things may change and other emotions may return. I want you to make this choice in love, and I will wait for that. It is so soon after my father severed your bond with Ryland. I don’t want…”

I jumped at the mention of his name, causing Ilyan to stop mid-sentence. Hearing his name spoken aloud brought back the horrors, and my body quaked as my vision faded, creating red walls and destroyed floors in my imagination.

“Shh, my love,” Ilyan soothed as his thumb ran over my cheekbone, his gentle touch and the warmth of his magic spreading through me in an attempt to take away the fearful edge of the hallucinations that lacerated me.

I tried to focus on him, but it was no use. I had heard the implication behind what he’d said, and my shoulders knit together as I tried to find the pressure that my battered subconscious craved.

“I d-do n-not l-l-love Ryland-d,” I hissed, my voice shaking as I stuttered.

“Jos, we cannot be sure of that…” Ilyan began, but my fear and anger overpowered him. My voice erupted in his head much louder than I intended, and he flinched.

I do not love him, not like I once did. My face burned with painful tears, Ilyan’s warm hands against my cheeks catching them as they fell. I close my eyes and I see blood. I think his name and I feel pain. I can’t make that go away. I can’t make my fear, my need to attack him, leave. I cannot love someone, I cannot be with someone I only feel hatred for. Who I am scared of.

“Those are not your true emotions, Joclyn. They are what my father has infected you with. They will fade with time,” Ilyan whispered, his pain at seeing me so scared, so sad, tumbling through me. I ignored it, clinging to the last bits of sanity I had left as I tried to get the words out, to help him understand.

They are my emotions now, Ilyan. Cail made sure of that. I stared into him, my jaw clenched as I fought the tirade that bubbled to the surface. I stared at him, pleading with him to understand me while my nerves jumped. I could feel his thoughts as they swirled through him: his regret, anger, love… and finally, understanding.

He pulled me into him, his nose rubbing against my jawbone as he moved to whisper in my ear. The soft touch sent a jolt up my spine. “I’m sorry, Joclyn. I am sorry I didn’t get there in time.” I could only nod my head in acceptance. He ran his hands over my arms as he kept me enclosed on his lap, his palms trailing over my skin. “You will become bigger than it, my love. I know you will, and then anything you desire will be yours.”

I listened to Ilyan’s words, the truth of what he said sinking in. His choice to wait wasn’t about the relationship I had with Ryland or any feelings I may still have for him. This was about me and helping me move past what had been done to me before I made the choice to move forward. Ilyan would never take away my choice, not in the way that Ryland had. I fought the tremor as his name came to mind, my arms twitching whether or not I wanted them to.

What if that never comes? I sent the words into Ilyan’s mind as I exhaled shakily, my fear still fighting its way past the calming current that Ilyan had wound through me.

“It will come. It may take time, but it will come. I will be here to help you find yourself again.” He whispered the words into the crisp night air around us, the promise sounding more like a guarantee.

I knew it was.