Riders (Riders, #1)(83)

“Isabel’s here,” I said. “Something going on? Do we know anything new?”

“No.” Daryn crossed her arms. “She’s just reinforcement. She’ll be there to help, if we need it.” She paused, toeing at the grass. “I didn’t know she’d be there until I saw her. It was good to see her.”

I could relate to that. I’d wanted to look at Daryn for days without checking myself, or overthinking it. Now she was right here, and I went right into binge mode on it. I couldn’t look away from her. I’d missed talking to her. I just wanted to be around her again.

“You have such a knot on the side of your head,” she said. “When are you and Marcus going to … What are you looking at, Gideon?”

“You. I’m looking at you.”

Her eyes started to shine with some emotion that made my throat go raw.

“How am I looking?” she asked.

“Daryn, I—”

“Can we just hug first?”

“Yes.”

I pulled her in and held her. We stayed there, hanging on to each other until we’re both breathing steadier. I ran my hands up her back, into her soft hair. “How you doing, boss?”

“A lot better.” Daryn turned her head and burrowed against my chest. It sent a wave of sheer kinetic yes through me. “You?”

“Real good.”

In the distance, Bas started playing another song.

“Gideon, I’m sorry things got weird after Rome,” she said, looking up at me.

“No, I am. My head hasn’t been right.”

“I know what you’ve been dealing with. I know what they can do.”

“But it was still shitty of me—”

“But it’s my fault too. I shouldn’t have let anything happen between us.”

“You don’t think something’s happening between us?” I didn’t understand. Why were we standing there, with our arms wrapped around each other? “I mean, what’s this?”

“I don’t know.” She stepped back. “I think it’s us trying to find a way to be that’s less painful.”

This definitely wasn’t going where I’d thought it was going. I didn’t know what to do with my arms anymore now that she wasn’t in them. I stuffed my hands into my pockets. Reminded myself to make smart choices that I wouldn’t regret. “Tell me what you want,” I said. “Let’s start there.”

“I want to fall into you like I just did,” she said. “That’s what I always want. I want to fall into you and hold on, but I can’t do that. I’d just have to let go. I could leave tomorrow, Gideon. We’d never see each other again. I don’t want you to break my heart, and I really think there’s a potential you could. So let’s not make this harder than it already is. Let’s not create more history for me to miss when I’m alone again.”

I tried to figure out how I felt, hearing all that. Terrible. Crazy. Amazing.

“Okay,” I said. “I think I understand what you’re saying. You want us to suffer now so we’ll be less miserable later. I don’t think it’s going to work, but okay.”

She frowned. “Okay?”

I shrugged. “I’m not going to talk you into being with me, Daryn. And I’m not going to pretend I like your decision, either. But if you want to not create history together, then let’s do it. Let’s stand here, in the most stunning place I’ve ever been in my life, and share some completely forgettable experiences. I’m in, Martin. Totally in.”

“Are you being serious?”

“Yes.”

“So you’re okay with us just being friends?”

“Whoa, hold up. No.”

“No? I don’t understand!”

“I don’t want to just be friends. If this is the plan we’re going with, then I want to be best friends. Super tight, Martin. With handshakes, inside jokes, finishing each other’s sentences. The whole deal. And I’m not budging on that, so. Take it or leave it.”

I’d already passed on the friends option once. Not a mistake I was going to make again. I’d be whatever she let me be. Even if it was going to gut me.

She shoved me on the shoulder for messing with her, but her smile was huge. It killed me dead. Let the gutting begin.

“You suck,” she said.

“I don’t do anything by half measures. You know that, buddy.”

She shook her head, then launched herself into my arms and we hugged it out. It felt like no hug I’d ever had with a friend ever. Nothing about it did. This new status between us was already mighty interesting.

We hiked back down to the huts, talking the whole way but I had no clue what I was saying. Inside I was replaying everything she’d said. I was looking at her and thinking, This amazing girl just told me she always wants to fall into me. Why wasn’t it happening? I was trying to figure out how I could feel so damn good, but also feel like I’d had my ass kicked.

We got a lot of long stares from the guys as we walked up, but Bas was tactful enough to keep playing. I joined them around the fire, but Daryn went to the hut and came back with a blanket. She sat down on the same stone, right next to me, pulling the blanket over both of us like a really great, great friend. I was instantly sweating under it. Noticing her leg against my leg. The clean shampoo smell of her hair. Just noticing everything and frustrated beyond belief. But it was worth it because she kept smiling at me.