Queen (The Blackcoat Rebellion #3)(52)
Apparently he was thinking along the same lines, because at long last, his eyes crinkled with a smile. “You know, just a few weeks ago, I would have gotten a hug by now. And been forced to make you a promise never to get myself almost executed again.”
He hadn’t meant it as a command, but I gladly took it that way, relieved not to have to make the decision for myself. I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him, inhaling his scent. It was different from Knox’s—less woodsy and musky, but tied to the best moments of my life. I hadn’t realized at the time that my memories of the group home and Christmases with one cheap present and meals with forty other people would be the ones I’d miss so much. I’d spent my whole life up until the test looking forward to the future and the endless possibilities it held. I had been so sure Benjy and I would get our happily-ever-after, and now—this was it. Standing in Knox’s bedroom, hugging Benjy and missing both of them. The Benjy I’d thought my future would hold no longer existed. Maybe he never had. He was still the kind, gentle, loving boy who had helped me with my homework and read to me and stuck up for me when no one else would. He was still all those things and more. But sometime in the past five months, ever since I’d been Masked, something had shifted, and we’d been too busy trying to hold on to the past to try to make sure we’d both be happy in the future.
“I love you so much,” I whispered hoarsely. “If I’d lost you...”
“You’ll never lose me,” he said, and his strong arms tightened around me. “You’re my family, Kitty, no matter who you have to pretend to be. And I will always be here for you.”
He ran his fingers through my hair, and I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling like the worst person in the world. Benjy had nearly died. I’d been so sure I would never see him again. And here I was, sitting in Knox’s room, missing him more.
“Look at me,” he said gently, and he pulled away enough to touch my chin. “I meant what I said. It will be okay. You will be okay. And so will I.”
I nodded, struggling to find a way around the lump in my throat. “We’ll be okay together.”
A sad smile flickered across his face. “Not that kind of together. Not anymore.”
It took me a moment to fully realize what he was saying, and I stared at him, my eyes filling with tears all over again. It was one thing to think it to myself; it was another to hear him say it. It made my traitorous thoughtsall too real. “But—”
“You will always be the most important part of my life,” he said. “You’re my constant, and I’ll be yours for as long as you want me to be. I will never love you any less, and I will never not be here for you. And maybe, if things shift that way again between us...” He hesitated. “I don’t think they will, though. I think we’ve both been holding on because we’re familiar. Because it’s all we’ve ever known, and change is scary as hell.”
“That doesn’t mean—that doesn’t mean it was bad,” I whispered, and his expression softened.
“It’s never been bad, and it never will be.” He pulled me into another hug, gentler this time. “But it’s a different kind of love. My favorite moments with you have always been just—being together. Reading. Talking. Spending time together. The rest... I don’t need it to love you. And after we...after being with you...that only confirmed it. That isn’t our kind of love. What we have is stronger. More important. And I think...” He paused, and I couldfeel his head turning as he looked around Knox’s room. “I think you feel the same, even if you don’t realize it yet.”
“Don’t tell me how I feel,” I said, my voice breaking. “You have no idea.”
“Then tell me.”
I searched for the words I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find them. He wasn’t wrong. I had loved and would continue to love Benjy unwaveringly for the rest of my life and beyond, but we would never have the future we’d dreamedof. We would never have our cottage in the woods, away from the rest of the world. I’d wanted that so badly—still wanted that, to break away from this poisonous society and just be, with no expectations and no one judging me. But while Benjy had always been a piece of that, he had never been the most important piece. Not really.
Besides, I would be Lila until the day I died now. And even if we’d wanted to stay together, with Daxton breathing down our necks, it would be impossible.
As soon as that excuse popped into my head—and it was an excuse—relief spilled through me, and I hated myself even more. I shouldn’t have needed an excuse to feel comfortable with the honesty between us, but I did. And that only made it worse.
“You’re always going to be my best friend,” I mumbled into his shoulder. “And if—if anyone else feels threatened by that, then they won’t be worth it, no matter how much I care about them. You’re my family.”
I felt the tension in his body melt away, and he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “Damn right I am.”
We stood there together for what felt like an eternity, and eventually my gaze settled on Knox’s pillow. Even if I’d wanted to fight Benjy on it, he was right, and for more reasons than either of us would say aloud.
At last Benjy let me go, and he studied me for a long moment, his eyes moving from mine to my hair to my mouth, and I wondered what he was thinking. Maybe he was trying to memorize this moment. Or maybe he was trying to reconcile the person I was now with the person we’d both thought I would always be. At last he offered me a small smile. “Come on—Daxton’s expecting me downstairs in a few minutes, but I’ll show you to your room.”