Cast in Honor (Chronicles of Elantra, #11)(40)

Chapter 9

“Can you give me a few days to think it over?” Moran asked while Kaylin ate.

“I can try.” At Moran’s expression, Kaylin said, “What? No one else is ever going to use those specific rooms. They’re yours. I said I would try.”

“Which is like saying no.” Moran’s frown was a familiar sight. “There’s some chance that certain elements of Aerian society won’t appreciate your offer or my decision.”

“That’s going to be entirely their problem.”

“When we’re here. But at the Halls, in the Aerie...” She trailed off, then asked, “Have you spoken with Lord Grammayre about this?”

“No. I’m not offering the Hawklord a temporary place to stay.”

“You’re not the only one who will be censured.”

Kaylin froze and then set her fork down. “They’ll—whoever they are—take things out on the Hawklord?”

“They will express their legitimate concerns, yes.” She smiled; it added no joy to her face. “Grammayre is an old friend. He is not a family friend. I joined the Hawks when he offered me the position; the offer came at a time when things were in a dangerous state of flux for me.

“He received no thanks at all for it, of course. Being a Hawk is not an occupation that was ever considered suitable for me.”

“This isn’t changing my mind any,” Kaylin pointed out.

Moran’s smile deepened. “I loved the rooms. I know you were a bit shocked to see them; to you they must look like—like—”

“Living in the wild, yes. But without the bugs.”

“I feel as if I have returned, in part, to my youth. And some part of me wants to commit this extra act of defiance. Living in the infirmary already makes that point. Living with a mortal would...exacerbate it. I do not wish to use you in that fashion.”

“And if that were the only consideration, I would never have offered, Moran. I’m happy to be part of that.”

“You don’t even know what it is.”

“I think I understand enough. I’m the type of undesirable you should never have made friends with—I mean, if you consider me a friend—”

Moran chuckled. “A bit late for that, don’t you think? Yes. You are right. But the Hawklord is also considered unworthy. Clint. Mellian. Not a single one of the Aerians who have given their lives in defense of this grounded city would have been considered worthy. And I? I am worthy only by an accident of birth. I am—I have remained—a part of my flight, but I am, like my grandmother before me, an outsider. Do you know why I accepted the Hawklord’s offer?”

Kaylin shook her head. She had known almost nothing of Moran’s life until now. No, that was wrong. She had known Moran as a sergeant and the ruler of the infirmary. She had been Moran’s patient; she had seen Marcus and many of her colleagues treated by her, as well. She glanced at Moran’s injured wings. Moran had flown when the Hawks had flown. Moran had been in the sky with the Dragons.

The Hawks could not hope to face—and fight—what the Dragons fought. They couldn’t expect that they would all survive it. Kaylin knew what she had done in her youth in the name of survival; she would never have been among the Aerians, the Hawks, the Swords. She would have been as far from the fight as her legs could carry her. Farther.

The Hawks had known.

They had carried the chains and netting necessary for the Arkon’s complicated defenses. They had made themselves targets as the enemy shot down anything in the sky. When one fell, another took up both their duty and their burden.

Moran had been there.

“I accepted the Hawklord’s offer because I wanted the opportunity to do something with my life. Something that affected others. Something that I could respect. I didn’t start out in the infirmary,” she added. “And I had my share of run-ins with Marcus, in my time.”

“How did you end up in the infirmary?”

“The infirmary was contemptibly run. It was both inefficient and, in my opinion, dangerously unorganized. Why does that amuse you?”

Kaylin shook her head. It was the first time since crossing Helen’s threshold that Moran had sounded like herself again; she couldn’t help but smile.

“It was work. It was work that I had never before seen or done. I didn’t...fit in, immediately. The Aerians were not particularly kind.”

“And they survived it?”

Moran laughed then. “They weren’t wrong, Kaylin. I wanted to be of use, but I had no real idea how to interact with people. I expected to be treated with the respect due my flight. I didn’t think this consciously,” she added, “but it’s true. I expected the others to treat me as I had always been treated by those outside my flight.

“They didn’t. I was a private. Many of them were corporals. They expected me to treat them with obsequious respect because they outranked me.” She shook her head. “I’m not at all sure you would have offered me shelter during my first two years with the Halls.

“Most of the Hawks expected me to quit. They expected that I would flounce out of the office, wings rigid. But I’d fought so hard to be allowed the right to join the Halls of Law that it would have been humiliating. I was,” she added, still smiling, “torn between two different humiliations. Being humiliated by strangers was the less terrifying of the two. So I stayed.