Burning Glass (Burning Glass, #1)(41)
A giddy eagerness bubbled inside me. “What is it?”
“Marriage, Sonya. I’m going to propose to Madame Delphine Valois, the king’s favored niece.”
“That’s wonderful!” I replied, his enthusiasm contagious. I adored weddings.
“Soon the snows will melt, and the emissary can cross the mountains to Torchev so we can discuss the dowry, the politics, and all the arrangements. Delphine and I will marry in the spring.”
I sighed. I adored springtime.
Valko’s smile sobered. His hand moved to stroke a lock of my hair, which had fallen across his pillow. “You’re very beautiful, Sonya.”
My breath hitched. Caution danced around the edges of my mind.
“I hope I can say that without offending you,” he added.
His calm assuredness eased every nerve in my body. Any whisper of caution flitted away. “Of course.” I curled onto my side so I was nearer to him. I felt safe enough to fall asleep on these pillows. Some yearning within me made me inch even closer. He didn’t shun from the dark parts of me; he gravitated to them. He accepted all of me. The moments slid by as I let myself gaze at him. His eyes were twin pools of gray-blue water. They invited me. I could almost feel their cooling rush.
Another nudge forward, and our faces were almost touching. His breath was sweet, like currant tea. I pitied him that he must give over another portion of his life to his country by forming the alliance with Estengarde, especially since his heart didn’t seem to be in it.
He tentatively reached up to trace the skin beneath my lower lip. His face, bathed in warm candlelight, appeared so handsome, so open. It tore at my heart. If I kissed him, just once, it might be a kindness, a gift from one friend to another before he married.
The fragrance wafting from the fir cones made my lashes flutter. My aura pulsed with Valko’s in perfect synchronicity. I shared his aching desire, the urge to indulge in what we secretly wanted when so much of our feelings were restricted by our lives.
That longing within me—within him—built into a desperate need. It strung taut along my every muscle and pleaded for release. Unable to contain it a moment longer, I leaned into the emperor and closed the small distance to his mouth.
He shut his eyes and parted his lips. Our mouths pressed together. A gasp of pleasure escaped me. He kissed me with more fervor. I coiled my arms around him and worked my fingers up his neck. His hands slid inside the folds of my robe to encircle the waist of my nightgown. His aura flared to life in a shower of dark and wondrous feeling. My entire body shivered with it. I kissed him deeper, abandoning all thought, all restraint, making room for only this powerful craving within both of us. It was exhilarating to surrender to inhibition, to not be tormented by self-reproach and shame and propriety for the first time since the convent fire. I could lose myself completely to Valko. Escape the guilty remembrance of who I was. Or better yet, accept myself. For perhaps this uninhibited version of me was me—someone I’d suppressed for far too long.
Three knocks sounded in my mind. I cast them away, but they persisted, echoing back a pattern. Three knocks and a beat of silence. Three knocks and a beat of silence.
It was a signal. A signal I must give someone.
Why?
Valko’s kiss didn’t break. I didn’t want it to. Something in me might shatter. I feared for that to happen. I wouldn’t think of the destruction I always left in my wake when I unleashed the full throes of wildness within me. I refused to fight my true nature any longer.
Three knocks.
I cupped the back of Valko’s head and drew our bodies closer.
Rap, rap, rap.
He shifted abruptly and pulled me on top of him. The recklessness I succumbed to felt like freedom. From a life of hiding. From the empire itself.
Rap, rap, rap.
But Valko was the empire. He dictated the laws, laws that governed Auraseers, which made it legal to own us. Laws that caused my parents to give me up and made me lose everything I’d known so I might gain something better, some piece of myself no one else would be able to master.
A rushing hiss sounded and mingled with the shrill call of a whistle. My eyes flew open to see the samovar venting steam.
At once my nerves fired. My mind cleared. I pulled away from Valko, lips burning, gut twisting. Three knocks. Anton’s door. I felt sick inside.
I couldn’t lose myself to Valko, even now as the prospect of escaping my own dark reality dangled within reach and formed a temptation so fierce it stole my breath and made my body tremble with need. How could I lose myself when doing so had created my darkness to begin with? My unrestrained empathy for the peasants had led me to destroy a convent of Auraseers.
“Thank you, My Lord Emperor,” I said, carefully peeling myself away as I rose to my feet. His hair was on end, making him appear boyish. I ached to comfort that lonely boy. “I wish you happiness in your forthcoming marriage.”
He sat upright. “Don’t leave, Sonya.” His gaze adeptly searched the room and fell on the samovar. “Have a cup of tea with me.”
I shook my head and backed away. “I must rise early. I need my sleep to better serve you. I do not take my duty lightly.”
“Just one cup.”
“Good night.” I curtsied and rushed from the room, even after I heard him call, “Wait!”
I ran down the corridor and closed the panels of my robe. Tears pricked my eyes. I slowed, reaching my door, then tracked back to Anton’s. I pressed my forehead to the wood, my palms to the carvings. How long had he been waiting? How long had Valko held me in his embrace?