The Wives(25)
“First ramen, now Chinese takeout,” I say. “Next comes pizza...” It’s meant as a joke, but my voice is devoid of emotion. It sounded more like a threat, I think.
Seth laughs, dragging his bar stool closer to mine, reaching for the lo mein. “And shoes inside,” he says of my UGGs. “I like it.”
“To be fair, UGGs are practically slippers.” I’m flirting and I hate myself for it.
“I didn’t know you were capable of allowing yourself to breathe,” Seth says.
My toes curl in protest. I have the urge to yank my boots off the counter and grab proper plates from the cabinet, but I stubbornly stay where I am, staring squarely at my husband. Maybe I want to focus on knowing the man instead of impressing the man. Probably something I should have done in the first place. Instead, I’d been swoony, full of dreams and the belief that we had something.
I set the container of chicken on the counter and wipe my mouth with one of the flimsy napkins Seth hands me. For the first time, I notice that he’s wearing a T-shirt underneath a hoodie I’ve never seen before. When was the last time I saw my husband this casual, in a T-shirt? For the last year, Seth’s wardrobe has consisted of dress shirts and ties, distressed loafers and sports coats—work Seth, married Seth. He looks like an entirely different man in scuffed Chucks and a worn T-shirt. I feel something stir in my belly... Desire? Someone I’d like to hang out with, I think.
“You’re different tonight,” I say.
“So are you.”
“What?” I’m so lost in my thoughts, his voice alarms me.
“You’re different, too,” he notes.
I shrug; it feels terribly juvenile to do so, but what is there to say? I’ve found your wives and now that they have names and faces everything feels different? I don’t know who you are anymore? I don’t know who I am?
It’s difficult to put into words all the things I’ve been feeling, so I say the only thing I’ve actually worked out. “People change...”
I’m almost afraid of the casual way he’s looking at me, and then I remind myself that I’m trying to care less about what he thinks and to focus on what I think.
“You’re right.” He picks up his beer and holds it out to me. “To change,” he says.
I hesitate only for a moment before raising my bottle of water and tipping it toward his beer. His eyes hold steadily on to mine as we toast and sip our drinks.
“Let’s go for a walk,” he says, standing up and stretching his arms above his head. His T-shirt lifts to reveal a tanned, toned stomach.
I quickly look away, not wanting to be distracted. I am a sexual creature—he controls me with sex, and I control him with sex. It’s a merry-go-round of pleasure and servitude that I’ve always enjoyed. But being dick-whipped or pussy-whipped can sate you just enough to blind you. My mother once told me that a relationship could withstand almost any trial if the sex was good. It had sounded shallow and ridiculous at the time, but now I see that’s exactly what has happened with Seth and me. A lot happens in a relationship, probably a lot that you really need to pay attention to, but you’re too busy fucking to notice.
At the door, I shrug on my jacket and pull a beanie over my hair. I turn to the door and find Seth staring at me, a strange expression on his face.
“What?” I ask. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Nothing,” he says, a little sheepishly after being caught. “Just appreciating the view.”
He leans in and kisses me lightly on the tip of my nose before opening the door. I follow him into the elevator, my nose tingling. We ride to the lobby in silence, and when we step out, he grabs my hand. What’s gotten into him? Flirting, public displays of affection... It’s like he’s a different man. As we step out onto the sidewalk, a feeling lurks in the back of my mind, something I’ve forgotten. I push the thought away. Here and now, I tell myself. Be here and stop thinking about everything else.
Normally, Seth and I don’t venture out of the condo on the days he visits, part of the reason being we prefer to stay at home and just be together. The other part, of course, is being spotted by someone who knows him as Regina’s husband. In the beginning it bothered me; I’d try to get him to go out to a restaurant or the movies, but he insisted on staying home. It hadn’t seemed fair at the time—I was his legal wife, after all. Eventually I gave up, resigning our relationship to be one that stayed behind closed doors. And now here we are, stepping out into the wet streets of Seattle, my hand firmly gripped in his. Brava for me!
Seth glances at me and smiles, like this is as much of a treat for him as it is for me. My boots plow through puddles as we make our way to a cider stand on Pike. Seth unrolls dollars from his money clip, one after another. He leaves a generous tip and hands me a paper cup of liquid gold. The money clip was a gift from me a few Christmases ago. I’ve not seen him use it until now; he always carries a worn leather wallet in his back pocket.
We huddle underneath an awning with our drinks and listen to a street musician play a Lionel Ritchie song on his fiddle. As we sip, we glance almost shyly at each other, and it feels like it did on our first date—charged and unfamiliar. There is a change between us tonight, a new chemistry we’ve not tapped into before. I imagine we could have had this all along if there were two instead of four people in the marriage. Our bond would be strengthened instead of pulled thin.