The Sweetness of Salt(19)

What would happen if I reversed things? If I went up there and confronted her the way she’d confronted Mom and Dad all these years? She’d been there too, after all. Dad had said she’d seen everything. Why shouldn’t she be the one to tell me? What would happen if I went up to Poultney and asked her to tell me her side of the story? Would it help anything? Or just make it worse?



I pulled into a gas station on the way home and asked the attendant to fill up the tank. Then I had him check the oil level, which was low, and the tires and windshield wiper fluid too. I packed as soon as I got home, tucking three full outfits—underwear, shirts, matching pants—into my suitcase, along with an extra pair of sneakers, socks, my toothbrush, floss, and cell phone. I stayed in my room to avoid conversation with Mom, printing out a map and step-by-step directions from my computer instead. It was not until I heard the front door slam, followed by Dad’s “Hey! I’m home!” that I finally came downstairs, bag in hand.

“Hi,” Mom said, obviously startled by my appearance. She had circles under her eyes. “You hungry? Dinner’s almost ready.”

“No,” I said.

Dad was holding the mail. He glanced at my bag and raised his eyebrows.

“I’m leaving.” I talked loudly, hoping it would make me sound confident. “I’m going to Sophie’s for the weekend.”

Dad put the mail down slowly. “You’re going to Sophie’s? Right now?”

I nodded.

“Julia, it’s already five o’clock. Do you have any idea what a long drive it is?”

“I already printed out the directions. If I leave now and take some breaks, it won’t be too bad. Sophie’ll be up.”

“You can’t drive in the dark, Julia!” Mom said. “It’s too…”

“I’ll be okay,” I said. “I’ve driven in the dark before.”

They both stared at me for a few seconds, eyes wild. If I had the ability to look inside their heads, I thought briefly, I would see gears and cogs moving at the speed of light.

“You’re going up for a visit?” Dad asked finally.

“Yeah. I need same time away.” I shrugged.

Mom turned suddenly, wiping her hands on the edge of a dishcloth. “Well, let me at least pack you something to eat…”

“No, it’s okay,” I said. “I’ll just stop at a Burger King or something.”

Dad dug into his back pocket and extracted his wallet. He pulled out three twenty-dollar bills and held them out to me. “Take this too.”

“I’m fine, Dad. Really.”

He strode over to me and pushed the money into my hands. “I know you’re fine, Julia. But take the money anyway. You never know…” He left the sentence unfinished, hanging in the air between the three of us like a storm cloud.

I took the bills and shoved them into my pocket. “Thanks.”

“Be back on Sunday.” Dad said.

I nodded. “I’ll call before I leave.”

“Hit the road earlier rather than later,” Dad said. “You’ll want to be fresh for your internship on Monday.”

I pushed past him and headed for the door.

“Julia?”

“I know!” I turned, my hand on the doorknob. “I will be back for my internship, Dad. You don’t have to worry.”

He dropped his eyes. “Okay,” he said. “All right, then.”

Mom stepped forward, her hand on his arm. “Make sure to call us as soon as you get there safely. I mean it. As soon as you get there.”

“It’ll be late,” I protested.

“I don’t care what time it is.” Mom’s eyes flashed. “Just call me when you get there.”

“Okay.” I pushed the door open. “I’ll call you when I get there. Bye.”


I got into the car and shut the door. Mom and Dad stayed in the open doorway, watching as I inserted the key into the ignition and reversed the vehicle out of the driveway. I gave them a small wave as I put the car back into drive and surged forward.

At the stop sign, halfway down the street, I glanced briefly in the rearview mirror.

They were still there, watching from the doorway, Dad’s arm encircled around Mom’s thin shoulders, the tips of Mom’s fingers pressed against her lips. Sophie and I used to do this thing sometimes, just for fun, where we positioned objects at a distance in between our thumb and index finger. It was a trick of the eye, of course, an optical illusion, meant to make us feel bigger, I guess, than the things that actually were. And this was what I did now, fitting both of my parents—still reflected in the rearview mirror—in between my slightly parted fingers.

They were so small, I thought. Like dolls. Little kids, even.

I stepped hard on the gas and did not look back again.





part

two





chapter


13


Mom was right. Driving such a distance in the dark was probably not the smartest thing to do. As the light began to sink behind the hills and fade entirely from the sky, I tried not to let my nerves get the best of me. The good thing was that the majority of the trip was on the highway. A straight highway. In fact, the first hundred miles, along Route 84, was so boring that I had to turn the radio on loud so I wouldn’t fall asleep. Cyndi Lauper wailed in my ears as I pulled onto the New York Thruway and settled in for eighty more miles of silent road, but after a while, I turned the radio off. The silence, strangely enough, was comforting.