The Patron Saint of Butterflies(71)

“Veronica,” I say instantly.

Lillian nods. “Yes, Veronica. I don’t know if it was a jealousy thing or what. But she didn’t like the fact that Emmanuel thought I was talented. Or that he was showing me attention. I didn’t realize it at first, because she just never talked when I was around. But then one day when I was playing for the two of them, I caught a glimpse of her over my violin bow. She had this awful scowl on her face and her eyes were just blazing. I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like she was biding her time when it came to me, just waiting to pounce.”

“And did she?” I ask.

“Well, you know, the whole reason I came to Mount Blessing in the first place was because I had just found out I was pregnant. I was in my senior year of high school and while Ma and I got along okay, I didn’t want her to find out. She had big plans for me, you know? Wanted me to go to college, get my degree in architecture … Anyway, Leonard was calling me regularly by then, telling me that I should drive out to Connecticut to visit him and meet everyone at Mount Blessing. I always stalled and made excuses why I couldn’t go because, frankly, the whole idea of a commune sort of weirded me out. But all that changed when I found out I was pregnant. I figured it was my way out of having to tell Ma, or by the time I did, it would be too late for her to do anything about it. So I came to Mount Blessing. I was only two months pregnant, so it took a while before I began to show. After a while, of course, my belly started to pop out. I tried my best to hide it, especially since Emmanuel was calling me in at least four or five times a week by then to play for him. I wore those horrible blue robes for days at a time and tried to take as few showers as possible, in case anyone saw me. But pretty soon it just became impossible to hide. When Leonard found out the truth, he went ballistic. And then, a month before I gave birth, Veronica found out.”

I am holding my bottom lip so tightly between my teeth that it feels numb.

“It was just what she needed. She went straight to Emmanuel and told him.”

“And?” I ask, releasing my lip.

“It was as if I or my violin had never entered his life,” Lillian says softly. “He referred to me from then on as the harlot.”

My mouth tastes hot inside. “Harlot?” I repeat.

“Yes,” Lillian says. “And a few days after I had you, Leonard came into my room and said that I had to leave. Apparently Veronica had told Emmanuel that she wouldn’t tolerate my presence any longer, that I was an insult to the rest of the female Believers who were trying to live pure lives.”

I want to cry, scream, bite, kick, spit. I don’t know if I have ever hated anyone more than I hate Veronica right now.

“But that still doesn’t explain why you didn’t take me with you,” I press.

“I should have,” Lillian says. “I know that now. But Leonard convinced me to let you stay. Veronica had told him that harlots didn’t deserve to be mothers.”

I snort. “Ha! She should talk!”

Lillian nods sadly. “I didn’t want to do it. I told him no at first, that I couldn’t bear to leave you. But he promised me that he would look after you, that you would grow up in a comfortable, loving environment, and that your cousin Agnes, who had been born only a few weeks earlier, would become your soul mate.”

“But he didn’t!” I scream, leaping up from the couch. “He never looked after me! Agnes and I never knew we were related or that—” My voice breaks, thinking of it. “Or that Nana Pete was mine, too.”

“I was a fool to believe him,” Lillian says, searching my face. “I thought I was doing the right thing, but you were my responsibility, Honey, and I failed you.”


“You’re damn right you did,” I say bitterly. “Why didn’t you at least come to visit? Like Nana Pete did? Even if you weren’t allowed to say who you were?”

Lillian shakes her head. “I wasn’t allowed anywhere on the grounds. Emmanuel forbade it. And after I left Mount Blessing, I had a terrible time of it. I never touched the violin again. Ma and I lost contact and I began to drift around, in and out of work, struggling to get by. I was just massively depressed. I didn’t want to … ” Her voice drops to a whisper. “You know, go on anymore. I just didn’t see a way out.”

I have no time for her sob stories. “Well, you’re obviously still here.”

“Yes,” Lillian whispers. “And the thing that kept me going was all those pictures Ma took of you every summer and mailed to me at whatever address I was living at at the time. Then last year we started talking again, trying to rebuild things between us. Ma bought that restaurant for me so I could start over, and then, just a few days ago, everything happened with you telling Ma about that horrible room … ”

“The Regulation Room,” I say. “Did you ever see it when you lived there?”

Lillian shakes her head. “No,” she whispers. “He liked me at first, remember? And then … well, I guess there was no need for it later. I was as good as dead to him.”

“I hope I’m dead to him,” I say, and I mean it with my whole heart.

The room is silent except for the sound of Mr. Pibbs padding over the floor. I sit up suddenly as a cold dread, like a hand, wraps itself around my throat.

“We have to go back,” I say, standing up. “Right now. Agnes and Benny will never make it at Mount Blessing without us.”