The Kiss: An Anthology About Love and Other Close Encounters(18)

“Poo poo bird!” she says loudly, then begins clapping.

Everyone laughs other than Kel and Kiersten, which really makes me nervous.

“Yes, poo poo bird is definitely a suck,” Gavin says. “What’s your sweet?”

“Poo poo Gabin!” She squeals and Gavin shakes his head, then gives her a squeeze.

“Well, my suck is that my daughter doesn’t call me Daddy anymore,” Gavin says. “My sweet is that she sleeps through the night and Eddie and I don’t have to walk around like zombies anymore.”

“Rub it in,” Will says.

“Speaking of sleeping babies, is she still on the dryer?” Layken asks. She stands up and walks toward the laundry room.

“Let her sleep,” Will calls after her.

Layken walks into the laundry room to check on her, even though we can all see her from the kitchen table. I forget what it’s like to be a brand new mom and always having to be within eye contact of your infant.

We’ll see how long that lasts.

“What’s yours, Caulder?” Gavin asks.

Caulder drops his eyes to the pizza on his plate. “My suck is that I actually thought I might want to be a chef when I graduate high school, but now we all know that’s not in the cards.”

I laugh, because at least he realized this early on.

“My sweet,” he says with a grin, “was kissing Ariele Simpson under the bleachers today after school.”

This gets Will’s attention. He snaps his gaze in Caulder’s direction and Caulder just smiles even wider. “With tongue,” he says. “It was awesome.”

Gavin stands up and reaches across the table to high five Caulder. Will intercepts and pushes Gavin’s hand away. “Don’t reward that,” he says. “He’s only fourteen!”

“Exactly!” Gavin says. “It’s about damn time he frenched a girl.”

Will looks horrified.

Caulder is still smiling.

“I can’t believe I’ve been missing out all this time,” Caulder says. “I want to do that again. Every day. Maybe even with a different girl every day. Do all girls kiss the same?”

“Make him stop,” Layken pleads to Will, covering her ears as she sits back down to the table.

“Stop,” Will pleads to Caulder.

Caulder shakes his head. “Dude, you’re my brother. You should be happy for me.”

Will drops his head in his hands. “Caulder, I’m also raising you. I’m not about to reward you for making out with a girl. I swear to God, if you make me an Uncle/Granddad before I’m even twenty-five, I’ll kill you.”

Caulder laughs, but Kel and Kiersten are still quiet, staring down at their plates.

“What’s your suck, Kel?” I ask him.

He doesn’t look up when he responds. “I don’t want to play tonight.”

I move my attention to Kiersten. “What about you, Kiersten?” I ask.

She shrugs. “I don’t want to play, either,” she says. “You guys go ahead.”

I can’t take it anymore.

I stand up and push my chair back. “You two,” I say to them. They both look up and I point down the hallway. “Follow me.” I head toward the hallway without giving them an opportunity to object.

I walk into Kel’s bedroom and wait for them. Kiersten walks in first with her arms folded tightly across her chest. She doesn’t even look at me. She marches over to Kel’s bed and sits. Kel walks in, but not far. He pauses in the doorway and stares at Kiersten, then looks over at me.

“What’s up with the two of you?” I demand.

Kiersten rolls her eyes and Kel stares hard at Kiersten, waiting for her to answer.

“Ask Kiersten,” Kel says. “Maybe she can enlighten us both.”

Kiersten stands quickly and turns toward Kel. “Are you serious?” she says loudly. “You’re gonna pretend you don’t know what’s wrong with me?”

Kel takes a step toward her and I back up a step, because two angry fourteen-year-olds is something I didn’t realize I was afraid of until now.

“Kiersten, everything was fine this morning. Then when I sat next to you at lunch, you give me the silent treatment like we’re kids.”

“You are kids,” I interject.

Both of them look at me and roll their eyes.

“Listen,” I say. “I think I know what the problem is.”

They both swing their eyes in my direction, so I continue. “There’s something both of you should know about men and women. Kiersten…men are idiots. You think they should know what you’re thinking or what happened to upset you, but believe me, they never do.” I face Kel. “And Kel, women are smarter than men. They always know what happened and they always know what you should be thinking, but you’re more than likely thinking about sports or cars or boobs.” I face both of them. “So the only way for a guy and a girl to get along is if the girl spells things out like a five-year-old to the guy, so that the guy knows exactly what’s going on at all times.” I face Kiersten again, but point at Kel. “So spell out whatever problem you have with him and give him the chance to fix it, because he’ll never guess what’s wrong with you. Men’s brains are like T-Rex brains. They’re very tiny.”