Still Jaded (Jaded #2)(71)

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. He'd robbed me of that ability, and I could only close it as I felt a sob rip out of me.

Tears dropped on my hand—I didn't know when I started to cry, but I bent over now, feeling my insides wrenched out. I felt like I was bleeding, like the tears were cutting me from the inside out.

Corrigan stood above me. "I always know what to say to you, but I don't right now. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of lying. You need to own up to some things. You have to start admitting to some stuff. I know it's in there. You have to start looking inside of yourself. You owe me that, at least."

I felt him leaving and reached out. Grabbing his leg, I tried to pull myself up. "Don't. Please don't leave. I can't—" I choked off. I couldn't say what I'd been about to say. Then I heard his words, more clearly this time. "Bryce isn't with that girl?"

I had been holding onto him, but in a flash Corrigan lifted me and shoved me against the other wall. I felt his ferocity and strength, but there was more. Closing my mouth, I waited for him to say what he wanted to say. I felt it. I knew it was there.

He took several breaths to calm down. And a moment later, he managed out, "You shut him out. In Spain, you put up a wall to him. Bryce left because you chose me. If I left a room, you were in a panic, but if Bryce left, you were relieved. You didn't want him to touch you, but all you could do was hold onto me."

I bit down on my lip. I wasn't sure I could handle this.

Corrigan continued, so softly, "It was little things in the beginning. Bryce asked if you wanted lunch, but you said you wanted to go on a walk with me. He'd call you during the day, but you silenced his calls. I knew it. He knew it. Neither of us ever said a word. You remember Valentine's Day? You had a big date planned with Bryce, but I was on a date and you crashed it. Bryce called you. You answered and told him about the hussy you were saving me from. Do you remember that? Maybe it didn't matter to you since you'd been on and off for so long, but I knew he cared about it. You knew he cared about it. He was planning something that night for you. You're not dumb, Sheldon. You're far from dumb, but the way you refuse to see reality sometimes makes me want to shake you. When are you going to wake up?"

I turned away. I didn't want to hear anymore, but Corrigan caught my shoulders. He pressed me back and held me paralyzed. "When you broke up, you were here for months before you even told me. I'm not stupid. I know why you didn't tell me. You were scared shitless of what would happen because something could happen. What do you think you do to me?"

"I can't—don't." I turned my head away. He pressed against me, but I was desperate. He was pushing something on me. I couldn't accept it. I couldn't handle it. "Don't!"

Suddenly, Corrigan ripped away from me. I fell from his sudden absence. He'd been holding me up, but I caught myself.

I would always catch myself.

Corrigan asked then, in a strained voice, "What do you want from me? You don't want to deal with us, but if I try to leave, you don't want that either. I can't say anything, but I can't leave. You want me here, but only a certain way. It doesn't work that way, Sheldon. You have to open your damn eyes, and you have to see what's in front of you."

"Stop," I whispered. I was broken. "Please. Stop. I can't…"

He caught me and lifted me up. His arms went around me as he carried me into the kitchen. When he placed me on the counter, with him between my legs, he hugged me tight. "I kissed you that night."

I closed my eyes. It didn't matter. Darkness against memory—I remembered that night perfectly. Bryce had called him and told him that I was home. It was early June. He had kissed me, and I had clung to him. I hadn't wanted to let go. Corrigan was my life preserver. He would always save me.

He continued, "I kissed you that night, and you need to be honest about it. What did you feel? What did you feel that night?"

He gripped my hair and made me look into his eyes. They were so forceful in the moonlight. Something fell away inside of me. I was unable to hide anymore. "I felt you!"

Corrigan shut his mouth, but his eyes promised so much, too much.

"I felt you, and I felt alive. I hadn't felt that since—" since Marcus. I closed my eyes. "I didn't love just him anymore."

He was right. He'd always been right. Bryce knew. Corrigan knew. I'd been the last to know. I loved Corrigan. I did. But then I closed my eyes and I whispered, "I love him too."

Corrigan smoothed my hair from my forehead. He rested his forehead against mine and whispered, "I know. He knows that too."

"I love him and I…love you."

It was ripped out of me.

Corrigan kissed my forehead and then tilted my head back. "You are going to kill me someday."

"Probably." A smile snuck out. "I do have a lot of people trying to kill me, and if you keep hanging out with me…"

He groaned, "You are not funny right now."

"I know. I'm never funny."

He took a deep breath and rested his forehead against mine again.

"I feel exhausted, Corrigan." I was more than exhausted. I wanted to curl in bed and hide for a lifetime.

"Tell me about it. Trying to get you to admit something is like running ten marathons back to back." Corrigan stepped back. I felt him. I knew he was still close.