Lineage(32)

“Breakfast,” she said as she turned and began to cross the kitchen back to the refuge of her coffee cup.

“Ellen, what’s wrong?” Lance asked, his voice low.

Ellen responded by snorting air out of her nose as she picked up her cup. God, he hated it when she did that.

“What’s wrong? Lance, if you really have to ask that, we have more problems than I thought.” Lance raised one eyebrow but remained silent. Sometimes silence answered questions that hadn’t yet been asked. “I heard you in the bathroom last night, throwing up. You had that nightmare again, didn’t you?”

Lance exhaled and stared down at his plate. The one egg and slice of turkey bacon seemed so pathetic and small that he nearly broke out into laughter, but instead tried to follow the well-worn track he had taken all the times before. “I had a dream. It was a bad one, yes, but just a dream.” Ellen rolled her eyes and sipped angrily at her coffee, as if it were the one holding things back. “It’s nothing, can’t we just have a nice breakfast together and figure out something fun to do today like we’d planned?”

“Yeah, that’s typical Lance. Just shove things aside and do something else. That’s how you function. Have you ever actually been to a therapist?”

The words drove down into his stomach and sent runners of guttural anger radiating outward. He breathed in, trying to calm the rage that bloomed in the back of his mind. “Yes, Ellen. I’ve been to a therapist. I told you that before. I also—”

“You told me just what you wanted to tell me, and nothing more. You’ve never told me anything about your past. Do you not think I’m worthy? Is that it?”

“No, that’s not it. I told you before, it’s a pretty sensitive thing with me and I’m just really not ready to open up about it yet.”

Ellen stood with her arms crossed, running her tongue over her front teeth, something she did when she was irritated. Lance had once watched her do it for an hour when their flight to Colorado had been delayed unexpectedly. He had wondered then if she would rub her teeth right out of existence.

“Andrew knows though, huh.”

“Yes, Andy knows. He’s also my oldest friend. Please don’t take offense to this. Can’t you just leave it alone until I’m ready to talk about it?”

“We’ve been together for over six months. We’ve been sleeping together for five. How long do you need to wait?”

“Why do you care so much?” Lance said, raising his voice several decibels. Ellen’s eyes narrowed, but he didn’t regret letting her know how he felt. He was through being badgered.

“I care about you,” she said, the tone of her voice saying anything but. “How am I supposed to understand when you won’t tell me anything?”

“You care about being in control, nothing more, nothing less. If you can’t have it, you rage against it,” Lance said, finally losing the battle in caging off the anger. Ellen’s eyes widened in surprise, and Lance knew then that he’d gone too far. Not by saying anything wrong, but by putting his finger directly on the truth.

She turned and dumped the remainder of her coffee into the sink and walked past him to the entry. Lance sat for a few seconds, not looking at her, not wanting to. Finally, he felt reason wade its way into the chest-deep fury of his thoughts and try to calm him.

“Ellen, wait.” He rose and walked over to where she stood, her hand already on the doorknob, the too-high heels strapped dangerously to her feet. “I’m sorry. I just can’t go through it all with you now; it’s not the right time. There’s so much. I can’t …” His words trailed off, and he hoped she would take the cue in this play they had rehearsed so many times before. Ellen turned her head just enough for him to see both of her eyes, her eyebrows drawn down in anger, with a hint of sadness.

“You’ll never let me in. I know that now. I won’t wait around for someone who can’t face his fears.”

“I’ve faced my fears!” Lance yelled. “I’ve seen things that would break you!” Ellen grimaced and closed her eyes as she turned away from him. For some reason he very much wanted to see her face, maybe to know if she’d opened her eyes or not. She kept her back to him when she spoke again.

“You faced your past, you just can’t bear to look at the future.” Without favoring him with another glance, Ellen turned the knob as if it were an emergency exit on an airplane and stormed out of the house, into the brightness of the summer day.